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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Long-time nanny here.  The problem is that when your role all day is taking care of the kids, they don't just automatically shut off and only go to the parents once the parents are there.  They still whine, complain, ask for attention, act up, etc. to you, the nanny or AP.  Basically, MB and DB get home, you are supposedly "off", but you really just become a 3rd parent.  Everyone is then dealing with the kids.  Or one/two are dealing with the kids while the other one/two make dinner or clean up.  The point is, it is work for everyone.  No matter how much you love the family you work for, it is still work.  I have stayed for dinners with my nanny family, and it felt like work.  As much as I adored them, it just did.  Work I wasn't paid for after a long, hard day.  Sorry, it is true.  Same with parties at their house, or outings with them that I was invited to as a guest, like a football game.  Same for trips with them.  It is just the nature of it.  [/quote]

I totally understand this as a host mom, and that is why I would never be insulted by an AP who chose to have dinner on her own, though I would feel badly if she NEVER wanted to join us.  (And would feel taken advantage of if she came and grabbed dinner that I or DH worked hard to cook, and then just took it to her room and brought the dish back, and never chose to eat WITH us.)  But I do think that with the right relationship and expectations, it does not have to be the way you are describing.  We have very young children, and we have always been able to explain to them when it is an AP's "private time" or "quiet time".  Our children learn that when an AP joins us for dinner, or for breakfast on the weekend, or any other time when mama and daddy are "on duty," they are not to bother the AP to help them with eating, going to the bathroom, or even playing games.  Even if our APs affirmatively reach out to help with the kids during these times, or to play with the kids - we insist that they stop (obviously not creating awkward situations; some of our APs have been happy to play a little extra game with the kids at times, and seem insulted if we insist too hard that they stop).[/quote]

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