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[quote=Anonymous]MB here.

She cannot tell you not to use the letter of reference.  I would "ghost" her at this point.

If you were interviewing with me and I wanted your references you could tell me which employers you've listed and why.  If I ask about that 3 year position you could tell me that you left on good terms, and provide me with the reference letter.  If I wanted to talk w/ her then you can explain more - appropriately and carefully of course.  You could also say that you left the position because you believe in positive, collaborative working relationships between parents and nannies and you were never able to fully achieve that in that position.

If I were otherwise impressed w/ you and you have ample other strong references, not being able to speak w/ that one employer would be ok.  If I pushed you on it and you told me that you just couldn't build the working relationship you wanted, despite trying for three years, and that recently you were contacted by that mother who was angry that you hadn't maintained contact w/ the kids, I would see the crazy factor at work and not hold it against you.

Don't lie.  Do use the reference letter if necessary but don't provide contact info.  Don't be afraid to tell an employer (who seems like the kind of person you want to work with) that the fit w/ a prior position just wasn't right but that's why you're so interested in working with me - now you know how to recognize what does work well for you, etc...  And don't be afraid to tell a careful version of the truth - that the mother tried to rescind the recommendation recently because she felt you should have worked to maintain a relationship - which is a mercurial change of emotion and unprofessional attitude that speaks to the reason that position wasn't a longer term fit for you.

Don't overthink it OP.

You can reply to the former employer and say something brief like "I received your email and understand that you no longer wish to serve as a reference for me.  I will not give your contact information to any future employers.  All best to you and little dick, jane and fido."

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