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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Summer Live-In Nanny (Martha's Vineyard Edgartown) 
Let me just start out by saying.. if you are looking for a 9 - 5 nanny position, are a primadona, have issues with respecting others, text and drive, text on the beach, takes selfies 24*7, read no further.

I have two wonderful girls who can be singing and dancing together one moment and in a wrestling match the next. My girls are messy, busy, bouncing off the walls, but mostly funny and wonderful. I am looking for someone from mid-May through 1st week in September.

My girls are super busy, sometimes they actually need to be in two places at one time,[/quote]
Then you need to have two people taking girls to different places, as a nanny can only be in one place at one time.
[quote] I need someone who can read my mind, [/quote]
Mindreading isn't something that nannies learn to do.  Anticipating needs can be expected if there's a consistent schedule.
[quote]know which one is more important and make that call. [/quote]
Which child is more important or which thought in the employer's head?  Either way, nope, not for nanny to decide which is more important!
[quote]The kids sail, swim, play tennis, hockey and dance, I need you to love every one of those activities. [/quote]
Swimming and dancing are normal.  Sailing, tennis and hockey are extras, just like knowing a second language is an extra.  Be prepared to compromise other things or let those go.

[quote]I can be a tad difficult to work for. I'm loud, always multi-tasking, completely disorganized, I work from home, so you the pleasure of being in my presence all day long and, you get to pretend to like me. [/quote]
I don't pretend to like anyone.  I won't be treated like a doormat.  If you are home all day, kids and I will be out all day.  If you are disorganized, you can clean up after yourself.

[quote]If you cannot multi-task, communicate clearly (you won't offend me), don't bother replying. [/quote]
Multi-tasking is easy.  Clear communication is fine, but given what you've said in this ad, I wouldn't say a word unless I was giving notice.
[quote]If you are the type who doesn't notice crumbs on the table, sand on the floor, wet suits in the car, skip to the next post, because these are deal breakers they put me over the edge. [/quote]
If any of those happened with me, they would be cleaned up.  However, I'm not responsible for cleaning up a mess that happened while you had the girls.

[quote]I have all sorts of theories on how to stack my dishwasher, fold laundry [/quote]
Then you need to do it yourself.
[quote]and if you are judgmental about Ritalin for ADHD, [/quote]
Ritalin is acceptable if needed, but teaching the child to manage behavior is better.
[quote]or ice cream before dinner, again, deal break city.[/quote]
Once in a while, ice cream (or other dessert) can be before dinner.  Everyday or even a few times a week and no, we wouldn't be a good fit.

[quote]This is a live-in situation if you do not have housing already. You do get a room and your own bathroom in our home. You will get the largest guest bedroom in the house. However, we do sometimes have family visit and I may need you to move to a smaller bedroom while they are here (at the most two weeks). If this upsets you, don't email me. [/quote]
Then put the nanny in the smaller room and leave her there.  Moving her back and forth to accommodate your guests is ridiculous.  Or have your guests use the smaller room.
[quote]We have central air, wifi, and cable, you will have your own tv and plenty of down-time.

If you can cook, all the better, otherwise, I will teach you all sorts of things about pasta. [/quote]
If your idea of cooking is just pasta, we aren't a good fit.
[quote]I need someone who can cook two different types of macaroni and cheese at exactly the same time and also be able to open a can of tuna and remember which pot it goes in.[/quote]
If there's a reason that there are two pots of mac and cheese (other than a child being picky), it's not a problem.  If you are catering to the child who is allowed to be picky, we aren't a good fit.

[quote]I am not looking for Super nanny, or anyone who wants this job because they will love my kids as if they are their own.[/quote]
Then advertise for a sitter, not a nanny.
[quote] I am looking for someone who will keep my children happy (though no child is ever always happy), keep them safe, get them to their summer activities, play with them on the beach.[/quote]
That would be the realm of a sitter, not a nanny.
[quote]Playing on the beach means actually playing with them, not posting selfies and updating Instagram while a shark is about to chew off their leg or my 9 year old is ingesting sand.[/quote]
Wow, exaggeration!  If there are sharks nearby, there's a warning and nobody should be in the water.  If your 9 year old eats sand, obviously your 9 year old has SN and that should be indicated in your ad.  Obviously you need a professional (ie. not a young kid who is more concerned with social media), but the issue is that a professional won't tolerate your attitude.
[quote] I need a team player. I need someone to back me up when it comes to remembering when the library books are due, whether we are running low on milk and dear lord, where is that second sneaker?? [/quote]
Taking care of library books, doing a grocery list and teaching kids to take care of their own shoes are within the realm of what a professional nanny would do.  Again, you need a professional, but you want a sitter.

[quote]I do expect that when the children are at camp or an activity that you will want to go get coffee or sit on the beach, that's fine. However, if there is a 3 hour gap, I need help, offer to throw a load of laundry in, put those dishes in the dishwasher, clean up those beach towels that have been sitting for three days. [/quote]
A professional would have everything done, provided that the dishes or towels were used during her shift.  If you and the girls used the dishes and towels, you need to do them or teach the girls to do them.

[quote]One a serious note:
-I need you to have a valid clean driver's license and record
- I need you to be able to swim, CPR certified is a big plus
- My hours vary so does your schedule, a typical day is 8 (8:30) -- 3:30 (4). Occasionally, I will need you to sit an evening or two. This will be communicated and scheduled at least 3 days in advance
- You may take a secondary job working evenings, if this interests you, I can help you find a job[/quote]
Professionals don't want or need help finding a job.  However, if you want the person you hire to be available with only 3 days notice, you will need to schedule around the other position.
[quote]- You will have access to a personal vehicle while caring for the girls. For after hour activities, you need your own car. 
- You will need to provide 3 credible references
- You like children
- We have a dog that we adore, we will hope that you adore her too!

Please know, I am relatively easy going, [/quote]
There is no way that you are easy-going.  This ad was written by someone very detail-oriented who will find fault with whoever is hired, no matter how well that person does their job.
[quote]however, I will not be walked over by someone who is coming here for a summer vacation. If you go out with your friends until 1 a.m., have at it. But you better be ready and up in the morning and look like you are ready to run a marathon. What you do on your own time is your business but don't let it affect mine. [/quote][/quote]

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