Reply to Anyone lese think this Nanny Forum message board has gotten absolutely ridiculous?!

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It's commonly known as:
"The Love Hate Triangle"

My kid loves the nanny.
I love what she does.
But I hate that it's not me doing it.

[/quote]

So you don't think there is any hope for rational discussions and meaningful sharing of advice between nannies and mother-employers?  While I can see that the basis of the nanny-mother relationship is fraught with possible landmines, I cannot see why we can't overcome it on an faceless, nameless message board.  [/quote]

There is the tension fraught nanny-mother dynamic that we each personally deal with, but I think this forum is also a sea of hostility because of the class and race issues, as well as the power dynamic that is much more apparent in this forum than any other. I honestly believe that a lot of MBs think they are inherently better than me, and it colors my perception of everything they say, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. MBs have some perceptions of nannies, that I'm sure colors their own perceptions, and its part of why we can't get along. Someone is always ready to pull the trigger.

It steams me to read posts in the main forum about how it is literally unthinkable to live in this area on less than some ridiculous 6 figure income, then come here and see them call me entitled and crazy to ask for $20/hour, even though I have a degree, lot of experience, and a fabulous work history. I'm just not sure how the two thoughts can reconcile in their mind (its impossible to live on less than $200k/year, but a nanny is crazy to think she should earn more than $40k) without dehumanizing us in their mind. They have rules and standards for themselves, but they go out the window for us, and yes, I take issue with that and can't respect them because of it. We are mothers and wives too. We're doing the best we can for our families too.

There is more to our lives than meeting the needs of your family, and I really think some of you forget that. Sometimes we have to quit for the better paying job. Sometimes we need to move on for a better fit. Sometimes it makes me mad to come into work, find out your kid has strep/lice/a stomach flu, and know that You've put my family and my kid at risk, without even a thought of them, only yourself. It makes me mad when you ask me to drive into work on snowy black ice covered roads, so that you can "tele"work in your pjs, and you didn't even bother to shovel the walk. It makes me mad to know that if I broke my ankle climbing your stairs, you'd probably replace me, even though its your fault.  [/quote]

It's posts like this that are the problem. You assume just because some employers are like this therefore all or the majority of them are. I don't make 6 figures and I pay the nanny what she asked for. The only time I've asked her to come in when it's snowing is when I also have to drive to work. I've offered the nannies we've interviewed the opportunity to speak with our previous nanny and if they wanted to do a background check on us I would have no problem with it. But if I ask a legitimate question like where to get a background check done the very 1st post doesn't bother to answer the question but questions me instead (FYI I'm not actually the OP of that thread but I easily could be-just using it as an example).

To be clear I think there are many MBs on here who are just as bad as some of the nannies but I don't think all the nannies are bad either. I know there are some wonderful nannies here as well as wonderful employers. I just don't understand why no one (nannies AND employers) can ask legitimate questions without being jumped on. Why can't we just ignore the crazy people with the crazy questions and be nice and helpful to those that truly just need advice?[/quote]

I wasn't saying that all employers are like that, nor was i saying that its right to lump you all in the same box. I'm saying that seeing posts like that constantly colors your perception. So because I see nannies get railed on for wanting a raise, I'm already on the defensive when an MB comes on asking advice for giving/forgoing a raise. MBs are defensive when nannies make statements that everyone makes about their bosses. Bosses often suck. Its usually not a personal attack on all employers when someone complains about their boss, but on here, if we don't pretend that MB walks on water and shits roses, we're an entitled ungrateful stupid lazy nanny. My post intended to illustrate that we all have our reasons, good or bad, for being a little bitter and defensive here and I think that is simply going to be the nature of this forum. Its bound to happen with the imbalance of power and resources we see here. Couple that with the emotional tension of a woman leaving her child to be cared for by another woman, and seeing said woman grow to love and be loved by your child. Of course you kind of hate her, and have to convince yourself that you're better than her. This place is a constantly ticking time bomb, and that's exactly what Jeff envisioned on inception. He makes money on the drama. [/quote]

Your posts are very eloquent and well reasoned.  I understand your position perfectly and, as a nanny, I agree with you that our general perceptions are colored by our experiences.  But that doesn't mean we cannot change the way we discuss issues or handle questions.  We do not have to go for the high-drama at every turn and neither do the mother-employers.

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