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[quote=Anonymous]I didn't say you were stupid.  But I didn't say anything close to "eating dinner with the host family every night is every AP's dream."  Here's the post of yours I was responding to:

"Family dinner sounds nice yes. How does dinner with your boss sound after a long day at work? How does dinner with your boss and your "work" sound? How does dinner with your boss doing work at your place of business and having to "help" cleanup after, when what everyone wants to do after work is throw their shoes off and sit in peace and quiet for a moment before worrying about dinner, kids, or more work. Its not about bitterness, its just trying to get some of these host families wearing rose colored glasses that the situation isn't as lovely as you think it is. Your AP may enjoy the occasional dinner with your family, heck she may enjoy eating with you every night, but not every AP would and I don't think that makes them a bad employee. I was the oldest girl in my family. That meant my mom or I cooked dinner, and after everyone went about their merry way while I scrubbed dishes, out away the food, and cleared the table. But if you ask my family they all "pitched in"  I'm sorry, I think it'd be really easy to slowly transfer after dinner responsibilities to your employee and it just doesn't sound fun for the AP."

In this post, you insinuated that all host parents treat their au pairs like employees who they can slowly shirk inappropriate work onto and then pretend it's under the guise of "being part of the family."  And I strongly disagree that that's what all host families want to do.

I get frustrated because I work so hard to make sure to treat my au pair fairly.  I cook dinner for her every night, I pay for all her expenses.  All three of my au pairs have really enjoyed their year (or two) with our family in this program.  This board is very helpful in getting responses and thoughts from other host parents and au pairs.  And then I come on, and frequently hear from people who weren't even au pairs or host parents insinuating that we're all mistreating and overworking our poor au pairs.  It's extremely frustrating.

I agree with you that some au pairs might not want to have dinner with their host parents.  I agree with you that it's not ok to require your au pair to stick around after her shift to make dinner for the family and clean up after them.  It's OK if an au pair doesn't want to eat dinner with her host family, but she needs to make sure she finds a host family that isn't going to be expecting that.

Being a live-in nanny is very different in many ways from being an au pair, even if you were the same age.  The starting assumption when you are an au pair is that you are going to be "part of the family."  You can be clear that you want to go against that assumption when you match (either as a host family or as an au pair), but the assumption remains that the au pair/host family relationship is going to be more like a family one than a boss/employer.  As a live-in nanny, I would say the assumption leans the other way.  It's a different starting place.

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