Reply to S/O "Do as I say,not as I do"

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[quote=Anonymous]I don't understand why you're not just talking straight up to her - like a quasi family member/caregiver.  Seriously, Here's how I would handle your situation:

Our au pair has only been here 2 1/2 months but she became quite comfortable quite quickly. Within a week, when our children would 'act up', she would speak to them in the same irritated tone and with the same 'idioms' or 'phraseology' as my husband does when he is irritated with them.

Hey, AP, please don't use that tone/phrase with the kids, we try to avoid it.

When my son came in and asked me a question, she cut him off and answered for me..."no, you can't because..."

"Hey AP, I'll handle this.  thanks."

During her down time she lies down on the sofa with a pillow under her head her feet up on the arm (just like my dh) and her laptop on her lap, skyping in the family room. (leaving the loveseat for me and the 2 other kids to share). When my husband suggested she would have more privacy in her room, she laughed and told him it didn't matter b/c he didn't speak French!

"Hey AP, can you give us some room to sit?  We want to watch TV now.  Thanks."

She pretty much follows what my husband does: if he helps clear the table, she makes a modest effort. [b]If he gets up and goes to watch tv, so does she[/b].   I'm not sure I know what the problem is with this one, unless you want her to do chores or something she's contractually obligated to do.  Otherwise, what's wrong with her getting up when DH does?

When he took out his phone at the dinner table (drives me NUTS) soon, she did, too. When she doesn't feel like doing something the kids ask her to do, I have heard her give the same answers (excuses) he would.

Again, you just say "AP, please don't ________.  We don't like doing _____ at the table/around the kids"

If she questions it, Like "I'm sorry, it's just that DH does it, so I thought it was okay."  I would tell her that you're working on changing it, but even though he does it, we'd prefer others not to.

Also, I agree that I think it's pretty natural for her to be looking to you both to see how things are done.  I think it's admirable of her to mimic the parents' behavior with the kids to show you that she'll do things your way.  But rather than being so passive about it, just be straightforward and tell her.

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