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[quote=Anonymous]OP, you are the boss.  Don't focus on the emotions and the interpretation of gestures, focus on the job and the expectations.   Especially if you are paying top dollar and if you know that she is being compensated well above her prior positions.

You set the job.  Sit down w/ her and say something like:

Jane, I want to talk as I feel like we need to revisit our early conversations about this position and our expectations.  Here is how we envision this job...  (It would be good if you have a written job description to provide - that helps address misperceptions or lack of clarity.)  As we discussed, we want you engaging with Jack whenever he is not napping and we expect you to not use your phone while you are working (except for emergencies, communicating w/ us or very brief personal business if need be.)  We also want you reading to and engaging in the kinds of active play we've talked about.  (Etc...  be specific about what you want.)

I am concerned that what we see on the cameras doesn't match what we have requested, and that when I talk to you about this I sense resistance.  Are you uncomfortable with the job as outlined?  Do you disagree with our approach?

Then take it from there.  It's about the job.  You get to specify what the job is and what you're willing to pay.  she gets to decide if it's a position she wants and expectations she can and is willing to meet.

Get the emotion out of the discussion and it will go better.

FYI, I think perhaps you're a little over the top w/ your expectations about the extent and type of engagement you want, but that doesn't really matter - it's your child, your money, and your right to specify what kind of care you want provided.  That's pretty much the point of having a nanny!  So maybe there's some room for softening on your part, but there isn't room (IMO) for attitude or refusal from the nanny.[/quote]

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