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[quote=Anonymous]So this is our third year in the program to take care of a 5 yo DS and 3 yo DD. The first two au pairs were amazing and really became part of the family (the first one even coming back to visit last year and again this year). The third was also great but had a medical emergency that meant she had to go leave the program to go home for urgent medical treatment and long rehab. When AP # 3 was going back, we went into rematch, since it was still under 3 months and found a decent, pleasant enough young woman who had a horrible HF and was looking to move. We did our due diligence (and really with no better options, since the other rematch options were horrible) we welcomed her to our family. The experience has been mixed, since then, and I'd be curious to hear what other HPs have done in similar situations.

On the positive side, AP # 4 is always smiling, and is very enthusiastic about the US, current affairs, and spending time with our family. The last bit is probably where some of our adjustment issues started. We became very close to our past APs, eating meals together every night, going on trips and family events together, and always having a good amount of tears at the airport. Through all of that one thing we failed to appreciate about them was how independent they were (having their own social lives, etc) and how much space they gave us a family for private time with ourselves (both of us work and have limited time to just talk among ourselves) or with the kids. AP # 4 really, really, really likes to spend time with us, and will just hang out with us all the time, all day, every day. Even on weekends. We have tried to encourage her to go out and make friends with the very active au pair group in her agency, and what not, but she just wants to talk to us and hang out with us. This struck us a little strange at first, but has recently started getting a bit weird, especially when she misses some obvious social cues that would suggest we need to concentrate on something else and can't talk. (e.g. I was saying goodbye to the kids before a business trip, taxi is waiting, kids are crying their eyes out, and she was asking me about time zones!) We recognize that this is probably a personality issue that we just need to come to terms with for the next 8 months or so.

However, her obliviousness has started to become an issue in her taking care of the kids as well. She just seems to miss some obvious things that one (at least we) would expect from an adult taking care of a young child. Three examples to illustrate what I mean. 
1) She took our kids to DS' end-of-preschool picnic, but got her own food and started eating before settling the kids down first. DW who happened to also be there had to take care of it herself even though we've emphasized that we will stay hands-off when AP is on duty to make a clear distinction to the kids about who is in charge. 
2) DW took the AP and kids to a semi-formal dinner party at a cousin's house. AP was not on duty, but in the past when we've taken the previous Au Pairs to family get togethers, they've done the normal  thing that family members do and kept an eye on kids while one of us goes to the bathroom or to get food, etc. In this case, DW sat down the kids with food next to AP 4, goes to get her own food, and sees DD playing by the pool by herself. DW ended up coming back from the party without eating. 
3) (And this is the one that upset me the most) DS had kiddie soccer last Monday, when it was 92 degrees outside. That night, our son in tears, complains to DW about how AP 4 made him where long track pants to play, even though he wanted to wear shorts. When we asked her about it, she said that she only found a pair of shorts that were "too nice" for him to wear for sports, and so she opted for the long track pants in 92 degree weather at noon. She admitted that he didn't want to wear them, and was crying, but made him anyway. She didn't even tell us all of this, and we had to hear it from the kid, through tears, at the end of the night.

We honestly don't know what to make of this. We don't have the APs do anything that isn't childcare related, and have very modest expectations for what the AP needs to do: essentially just getting them to/from activities/school, and keeping them safe. I never, ever would have thought I'd hear that our AP would do something to make my kid cry out of physical discomfort. Could she really be so clueless? I just can't/don't believe she'd do it with a malevolent intent. But, I'm starting to freak out now about whether her lack of attention could become a safety issue for the kids (92 degrees and track pants at soccer?!?!). She also doesn't seem to have realized how stupid this was, so we are planning to discuss this with her again at our weekly recap meeting. We don't want to involve the agency's local coordinator and the formal conflict resolution system at this point, since we'd like to try talking it out and to give her some opportunities to change.

What I would like to know from the community is if anybody thinks we're blowing this out or proportion or alternatively, if we're being too relaxed about this. Any advice or suggestions?  We're committed to trying to get through the year (despite how uncomfortable it is at home), but in my mind I've decided that if something like this soccer pants bs happens again, she'll have to go, and I'm okay with losing out the matching fees or whatever with the agency. 
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