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[quote=Anonymous]We also spell out in our handbook that breakfast and lunch are on her own. When we hosted our first au pair, we cooked and ate dinner together since that's what families do.  However, she made us feel like we were a restaurant and her personal cooks.  She never helped with food prep.  She would wait in her room with door closed.  We had to walk over to her room and let her know that dinner was on the table before she would come out of her room and join us at the dinner table.  She sat at dinner and ate with us but was on her phone a lot which was rude.  She always finished first and got up from the table while we were still eating.  After she was finished with her meal, she would take her plates and put them in the sink.  She did not even bother to put them in the dishwasher.  Then, she would go back to her room for the rest of the night.  No thank you's.  This went on for weeks and made us feel terrible and resentful.  Since she was a so-so au pair, giving her a home cooked meal every night and receiving no gratitude in return got under our skin.  Like many situations, if the au pair is a rock star, we happily let things slide because of how great she is - but not when she is only so-so.  We eventually went into rematch, but for other reasons.

After this au pair experience, we were very clear about meals in the handbook.  We decided that we would talk the week before about "what's for dinner" next week so we can plan the grocery list as well as who does cooking on which day.  All the adults in the household, host parents and au pair, alternate cooking if we want to have dinner together.  We have nights when it is fend for yourself, too.  We also spelled out in the handbook that if we have dinner together, everyone must either help with prep or clean up.  This arrangement had cut down on the feeling that we are the au pair's personal cooks since as a family, we all now share in all aspects of the meal from prep, cook, to clean up and benefit from each other's cooking, when we have meals together.

As a family, each person should contribute and share in both the labor and reward.  We also specifically mention during matching that we were looking for a 3rd adult in the family.  This means we would all chip in on chores around the house that benefits everyone like cooking dinner, taking out the garbage, load/unloading the dishwasher etc.  Our kids are only 2 but if they were older, they would be expected to chip in, too, to the best of their ability so we expect the same from the au pair.  Being "part of the family" goes both ways - sharing in family chores and receiving family benefits.[/quote]

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