Reply to How can I help these emotionally and verbally abused children?

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[quote=Anonymous]In order to survive in an orphanage system for that many years, kids usually learn to lie. Everyone around them lies, including the adults. No one tells them the truth about anything and they learn that no one is trustworthy. Reality and fantasy blend. Add to this the fact that kids in orphanages in the former USSR have seen and/or experienced physical and verbal abuse for years. It's part of the culture. Attachment parenting styles have not yet made it into the orphanage system in these countries, needless to say. Caregivers often use force to control the behavior of their many charges.

I would be very careful about assigning behavioral and emotional issues to recent events like the cousin's death. These kids most likely came with these issues, and then had terrible parenting here in the US. It has been a continuum of poor care for their entire lives. Neglect and abuse cause serious emotional and behavioral issues.They have had the extra disruption of being placed in foster care here in the US by adoptive parents who could not cope. They have experienced the death of the cousin. In their minds, nothing lasts. Without intensive therapy, they may not be able to attach. Their attachment to you may be superficial and is a learned response to survival. Just know that, so that you are not surprised down the road.

I'd just be careful not to think of the parents as the ones who caused these issues initially, even if they have now added to them. And I would be very certain that your charges are not lying. Even their journals may be full of lies, or distortions. It's not their fault, but it is their default, if that makes sense. They can't help it, but it is their go-to version of events. They can become very adept at creating a version of events that works for them. This skill helped them to survive in the orphanage. Not every child survives orphanage life, but the survivors do know how to get what they need any way they can.

Tread carefully, whatever you decide. These are big issues.

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