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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Our longtime nanny has been with us since our older child (now just turned 4) was an infant and has always been very good. She's dependable, very loving, and all around awesome for the older one. Additionally, she also has taken care of us during her free time. She does our laundry, picks up around the house during nap time, and is generally very flexible and available for us (we both have jobs that sometimes require last minute addition of hours. We've trusted her enough to even go away for a few days at a time alone and to stay with our older one. She is hardworking, loves our kids, is incredibly honest, and is a great presence in our home. Until recently.
However, things have gone downhill recently. It started gradually before the baby was born. We noticed she wasn't picking up and responding to the older child's emotional needs well (trouble with toilet training, instilling some ideas in her we didn't agree with), but since these were minor and DS was going to be in school about 20 hrs a week this year, we decided to keep her on. 
Since we've had the baby, nanny has been amazing with baby. He lights up when she enters the house and she is just awesome at caring for him the way she was when our older one was little.
But things have really gone downhill with her and our older DS. She sometimes openly acts like she prefers the baby, leaving our sensitive older one to somewhat pick up on this and not want to be alone with her. DS has told us nanny gets mad at her (I think its more just raising her voice but still this isn't a perception we want our 4 yo to have of an adult consistently)! She isn't really choosing age appropriate activities for him (taking him to baby events with kids that are much younger) and generally somewhat ignoring him.
We're having such a hard time deciding what to do because she has been so great for so many years and the things with older DS are hit or miss (some days are still really good but the 5-10 bad ones in the last month or so are really upsetting us). We've talked to her a few times now about this and it just doesn't seem like its getting through- I think partly due to language but [b]also because she just has a different philosophy about dealing with kids than we do at this older age[/b].
So my question is, have others been through this? How did they handle it? I've started interviewing other nannies halfheartedly but I'm skeptical there is anyone out there who is really great at infant care but can also engage our older one in an appropriate way. If we had infinite resources, I would just hire a college student to pick up the older one from school in the afternoon (around 1) but we don't and frankly, we pay our nanny well- probably about 55k gross, so don't have more money to throw at this. Does anyone have a nanny who is good for both age groups? We're totally willing to part with the whole housekeeping/laundry aspect of her job too. Its really just the flexibility thats important to us.
Thanks.
[/quote]

I wonder if this is actually your problem - you and nanny were on the same page when your older child was an infant (as you are for your younger child), but you have different philosophies about handling a pre-schooler.  I think that's actually one of the tougher nanny problems - the nanny can be wonderful and stellar and be doing everything right but the inconsistent approaches between caregivers will be extremely frustrating for your older child, especially at a time when your child is probably feeling pretty emotionally fragile and jealous because of the new baby.

I'd sit the nanny down and have a very honest open conversation about the situation.  I'd frame it in terms of what you observe your child is going through rather than what the nanny may or may not be doing.  It might be worth asking her to explain what she perceives is going on emotionally with your older child and how she is trying to address it.  If her approach is inconsistent with your own, be explicit about how you want her to handle it, including strategies for how she should handle bad behavior.  I'd also be more explicit about how she should schedule the day in terms of activities for both children and perhaps sign them up for some age appropriate activities for the older one after school.     Make very clear, if you haven't already, that you see (and hear) a lot of emotional insecurity in your older child's reports of the day and that the bottom line is that you want to address it as a team.

At the end of the day though, if things don't change, I think it's time to move on.  There are plenty of great nannies out there who can handle kids of different ages, and hopefully you can help your nanny find a job that she is better suited for as well.  I wouldn't let the status quo go just because she's been there a long time though - if it's taking a real emotional toll on your older child (which it sounds like it is), the best thing for your family long term will be to change the situation one way or the other.[/quote]

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