Reply to Long time nanny great with baby but not with 4 year old. Anyone else deal with this and have advice?

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Reply to "Long time nanny great with baby but not with 4 year old. Anyone else deal with this and have advice?"

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[quote=Anonymous]A few things could be going on here:
1) Older child isn't being neglected, just isn't adjusting well to new sibling and is blaming nanny for some of these feelingS
2) Older child isn't being neglected but is somewhat spoiled by mom and dad and wants nanny to follow suit, nanny is more strict than parents
3) Nanny is neglecting older child because she is struggling with the amount of housework etc on top of new baby and is expecting older child to suddenly be more independent
4) Nanny is neglecting older child because nanny prefers babies generally and feels that older child's emotional neediness isn't age appropriate (even if it is).

I think the real problem here, OP is that your kid is going through a rough patch and you have a caregiver who can't or won't communicate with you effectively.  If you can't even tell whether she understands the problem when you present it, how on earth are you ever going to resolve anything?

I would probably do 3 things:
1) Take a long, clear look at your expectations.  How much housework?  What is it that you want a caregiver to do for your older child?  Try to be really self-aware about whether you are expecting a) a reasonable amount of work, and b) a reasonable level of catering to older DC.  Do you baby him/her?  If so, you may be setting DC1 up to have a combative relationship with his/her next nanny, too.  
2) Come up with a list of specific things you want nanny to change.  You can't just say, "You don't love my kid enough. Love her better."  Say, "I want you to find at least D number of minutes daily to do something that DC enjoys.  Here are some examples."  Figure out what it is you want.
3) Have a last-ditch conversation with your nanny.  Be as clear as possible aboutthe problem, what you want to see change and about the fact that this is a dealbreaker for you.

If you do all that and see no change, then she's no the nanny for you.[/quote]

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