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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, the PP with the three-point program sounds like a truly amazing host mom and I commend her for sticking with it and coming up with and executing such a great and successful plan.

But I do want to say, that it sounds like for me anyway, something like that effort would take an inordinate amount of time, thought, and effort and although I strive to be the best host mom I can be, there comes a point when a young adult who has chosen to come to my house and who I pay about $23,000 a year for the privilege of living with needs to take some responsibility on herself.

I think you can put forth your best effort - it might be the extensive personality shaping effort that the PP pulled off or it might just be talking to her, making sure she knows you're there for her, and then telling her if she's not going to be content then you need to pull the plug on it. You do not have to feel guilty for not going through Herculean efforts to pull a young adult through her year.

Do the best you can, but know that it just might not work out, and that's ok. [/quote]

I'm the PP with the three-point plan, and I completely agree with this poster, not that I'm an amazing host mom, but that it does take an inordinate amount of time, thought, and effort, and if you're not up for that, it's OK and don't beat yourself up.  I haven't always been up for putting this much work into an AP, and indeed, our LCC thought I was putting in too much effort and worried I'd get burned out and leave the program all together after this one was still taking such intensive effort even at Thanksgiving (thank God AP really turned around about that same time).

Two things made this one worth fighting for, and only OP can assess if these also apply to her situation: 1) Once the AP decided to make a go of it, and I saw glimpses of her willingness to try and to want to learn how to be a good AP and be an independent person, I really believed in her and felt she could do it.  I'm a college professor, so I work with this age group a lot professionally, and I saw in the AP a spark of wanting to be the person she said in her interviews that she was.  And this is exactly what she became, so in this case, the investment of time and effort was well worth it.  She grew into this incredible young woman, and it's amazing to me that a person could grow and change so much in a year.  I should say that I haven't always been lucky, though, and I can remember a few years back putting a ton of time and effort into an AP who didn't have the same raw material as this one, only to have her give up and go home at Christmas anyway.  A lot of effort for very little gain in that case, which of course depletes the giver without providing the reward that this AP ended up doing for us.

The second thing that was going for the AP (and us) in this circumstance was that we really, really wanted this match to work out for our own reasons.  Our family had just undergone a lot of change - a major move to a new city that none of us wanted, the death of a beloved parent/grandparent - and I had no stomach for anymore change.  So I was willing to put in a lot of effort to keep myself from having to explain our family to yet another new person when we were already doing so much of that just by being in a new place, kids in new schools, etc.

In the end, it worked out really well for us, but I didn't mean to imply that anyone who has a tough start with an AP has to do what we did to make it work.  OP, if your AP is trying, really trying, and if you see a great attitude beneath the depression and homesickness, then it may well be worth the effort.  But if not, I agree with this PP: do what you can, do what you feel comfortable with, but don't be afraid to call uncle if you're not getting anything back.

Good luck.[/quote]

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