Reply to Nanny is great with baby, but not great with 3 year old. Will she get better?

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[quote=Anonymous]We've had our new part-time nanny for a month. She's wonderful with our infant, she's sweet and loving, very responsible, always on time, and she takes the initiative to help out around the house, like doing the girls' laundry and tidying up the kitchen and family rooms.  She has baby on a great schedule, and she understands her moods, her cries, her cues.  If she were only taking care of the baby, we would love her.  But, my 3 year old DD is home from preschool for 3 hours in the afternoons and nanny seems to struggle with her. She's too passive and doesn't control DD well.  For example, we had her babysit last Saturday night and we came home at 11 PM to find the 3 year old DD still awake and playing, not even in her pajamas, because she told nanny she wasn't tired and didn't want to go to bed.  During the day, I work from home and nanny doesn't keep DD from interrupting me in my study if DD says she wants to see Mommy, etc.  It's like she doesn't recognize that 3 year olds need structure and guidance, even more than an infant does.  Also, nanny seems overwhelmed when she has to deal with both kids at once.  Tomorrow, for example, I told nanny that DD would be home all day and she made a little worried, frowny face and said something like, "oh, what will we do all day?"  DD's school will be closed for the summer so I feel like we need to get this under control soon before she's home with both girls full time every day.

Nanny has been receptive to some constructive criticism, like when I've suggested how she can play with DD to build a rapport.  But I'm still concerned that she doesn't "control" her well and that she doesn't feel comfortable or enjoy taking care of DD.  Is this something she can learn?  If so, how do I teach her?  She's so literal with my advice, though.  I have to suggest specific activities they can do together (you can take out the play doh, you can walk to the neighborhood park, you need to give her xyz for snack every afternoon).  She doesn't seem to have the instinct to come up with activities or a good schedule for DD and she doesn't know how to guide her to behave, but instead lets DD do whatever she wants.  She also lets her watch more TV than necessary, probably because it keeps her quiet and occupied so nanny doesn't have to deal with her.  DH and I are a bit worried that nanny may be one of those people who is wonderful and intuitive in infants, but just doesn't have the ability to work with a preschooler.

Even though nanny is wonderful in many ways, this situation is giving me such anxiety. I want 3 year old DD to be happy and well cared for.  Objectively, DD is a really sweet, well-behaved 3 year old so it's not like nanny has to deal with an extremely difficult or rambunctious child.   It breaks my heart that the nanny seems to think she is hard to deal with.  Nanny obviously has such a great bond and is so loving with the baby, DD is starting to develop a jealousy for the first time since baby was born.  I'm so sad that she feels somewhat ignored by nanny.

Can this be learned?  What should I say to nanny? How can I teach her how to improve?   Unfortunately, I'm afraid we'll have to let her go if she doesn't get the hang of dealing with both girls at once, but I really love everything else about her so I'd be sorry to see her go.  I'd really appreciate any advice.  [/quote]

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