Reply to S/O "Do as I say,not as I do"

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[quote=Anonymous]Our au pair does not seem to have a good handle on her...I'm not sure how to describe it...position in the family?  That sounds so snotty but it comes closest to describing what is making me uncomfortable.

Our au pair has only been here 2 1/2 months but she became quite comfortable quite quickly.  Within a week, when our children would 'act up', she would speak to them in the same irritated tone and with the same 'idioms' or 'phraseology' as my husband does when he is irritated with them.  When my son came in and asked me a question, she cut him off and answered for me..."no, you can't because..." During her down time she lies down on the sofa with a pillow under her head her feet up on the arm (just like my dh) and her laptop on her lap, skyping in the family room. (leaving the loveseat for me and the 2 other kids to share).   When my husband suggested she would have more privacy in her room, she laughed and told him it didn't matter b/c he didn't speak French!  She pretty much follows what my husband does: if he helps clear the table, she makes a modest effort.  If he gets up and goes to watch tv, so does she.  When he took out his phone at the dinner table (drives me NUTS) soon, she did, too.  When she doesn't feel like doing something the kids ask her to do, I have heard her give the same answers (excuses) he would.

Recently I was out of town for most of the weekend and, predictably, he let the kids watch tv pretty much the whole time.  Now I have had to remind her to turn off the tv when she is with the children, but she doesn't take me seriously. She saw him eat in the car, then she ate in the car (and left her trash behind, like he does). She has started leaving her soda cans and dishes around the house.  My husband, of course, can eat wherever he likes and his messes are his (our) problem. But we do not let the children (and we have never had a problem with our previous au pair) eating anywhere but the kitchen, except for maybe a few chips or some candy in the her (the au pair's) room, which I never minded...but now we are talking about heavy snacks and meals..lots of dirty dishes left there).  Obviously, my dh is not setting the best example, but the rules are different for au pairs and host dads. WE are allowed to look at our phones all we want...she is not.  We can hop on and off the computer in the family room all day...she can not.  We can talk to our friends on the phone while we are supervising our children...she can not.  We can watch tv in the kitchen while we fix breakfast...but she can not watch tv while she fixes lunch for the baby.  We may stand on the porch talking to a neighbor friend and pop our heads in to check on the toddler periodically...she can't do something similar with her friend on the porch.

How do I get our very young, 18 year old au pair with very limited child care experience, to understand that while she may be "like" a member of the family, she is, in fact, NOT a member of the family (especially after only 2 months..and this started a month ago!) and that even if she WERE, she would still not have the right to do and say things like we do.  I have pointed out to my dh that she is not getting the best role modeling from him but he only gets annoyed and says that he isn't going to pussyfoot around some damn 18 year old girl and be made to feel like a guest in his own house. (I know...clearly there are other issues here w/ DH, but, I also see his point...) He sees our au pair much more like an employee and thinks she just needs to be put in her place and told what she is allowed to do and not do...tough cookies if it hurts her feelings or she feels 'second class'.    I need advice...there are SO many little issues like this that I fear completely demoralizing her and discouraging her if I point out everything all at once.  And I'm not sure how to do it nicely..  I'm just really bad at confrontation.  DH has offered to 'talk' to her, but I fear she may leave that conversation in tears as he is not the most sensitive guy in the world.    Advice?   [/quote]

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