Possible to find a nanny that matches our style?
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Anonymous
| We are looking for someone who practices positive parenting techniques and I'm very sensitive to language in particular. I don't expect perfection but I hat phrases like "shake it off, you're ok". I am fine not rushing over and "babying" if the child doesn't seem hurt but I firmly believe that if the child cries that it's important to offer a hug and a kiss and then ask, "are you okay?". I'm afraid that I'm going to see one thing during an interview and the many will do another in practice. We are very laid back about so many things in our life, but not when it comes to these things. For instance, ds pulled all the tissues out of a box and the sitter just sat there and let him. I told the sitter to please not let him do it to another box but it's not a big deal and moved on. So we aren't crazy by any stretch but when it comes to language (and actions of course) I feel it's important in shaping a child. Will I be perceived as difficult? We just want to find the best match. Any advice appreciated. |
Anonymous
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Yes, it will be difficult to find another "you" in a nanny.
Ask pointed interview questions and be willing to let go of the small things - like the tissue box. Pulling tissues out of a $1.59 box is a great sensory exercise. |
Anonymous
I guess I was using the tissue box to illustrate that we are laid back about stuff. I suppose it came out the wrong way. |
Anonymous
| I say those 2 phrases throughout the day. Make sure you let candidates know this upfront. For me it would be a deal breaker. |
Anonymous
| Were you there during the tissue box incident? It is very difficult for a nanny/sitter to know, when the parents are right there, whether they aren't saying anything because the child is allowed to do something, or if they are waiting for the nanny to take care of it. |
Anonymous
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You can look for a candidate whose philosophy is the same as yours - yes. But no one will be the exact replica of you - even if they try.
Our nanny believes in the importance of narration and does not believe in sleep training or ever allowing a baby to cry-it-out -- as do we. We learned that in the interview. She is more firm with DC than DH or I are but that hasn't been an issue for us and is probably good for him. On a lot of issues where we disagree, she always cheerfully says that she will do as we ask (after she respectfully gives her opinion). She does call him by a nickname that I don't care for and gives him more praise than I am comfortable with -- but nothing that I think is harmful or disrespects our general wishes. Choose the hill you wish to die on carefully, OP. You do not want to lose a great nanny for things that are unimportant like protecting a second box of tissues. |
Anonymous
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MB here. Yes, you can find a nanny whose style you like, or who is willing to work within the parenting approach you prefer. The important thing is to think very carefully about exactly what you want and mean when you articulate your approach. So much is subjective. The more clear you are, the more specific you are, and the more thinking you have done about what are your absolutes, your preferreds, and your less important issues the better positioned you will be to interview, hire, and manage a nanny successfully.
Also, 10:16 is right in cautioning you that you cannot find a replica of yourself. No one will be perfect (including your husband, your mother, your best friend, yourself, etc...) So you need to accept imperfection before you choose anyone, and go from there. If you interview based on these kinds of things it will probably weed out people who think you're too picky - and that's ok. You only need one person whose basic philosophy is inline with yours for it to be a good fit. You'll want a pretty experienced, self-aware nanny who is really listening to you in the interview, and whose responses indicate that she genuinely agrees with you - not that she's just saying what she needs to say to get the job. You probably also must require true fluency in English in order to communicate nuanced parenting/supervision approaches effectively. You should also be prepared to pay at the higher end of the norm for this level of selection and specificity. Once you've selected a nanny I would also suggest putting some of these basic parameters in the the contract as well as a household manual kind of document. We have language in our contract specifically prohibiting physical discipline and requiring that the nanny supervise and manage our kids in the way we outline. And we have a section in our household manual on positive parenting - what that means to us, what we prefer, suggestions on how to manage tantrums in public places, etc... We also tried hard not to be too pedantic about that. Our current nanny doesn't do everything exactly the way I want. But she never loses her temper, she is never physical, and she has a consistently positive approach with our kids. Her general temperament seemed in line with what we wanted when we interviewed her, and we carefully talked w/ her references to make sure the positivity and calm we saw was genuine and part of her nature. Lastly, once you have done all of this, get out of the nanny's way. Trust that you did your job in hiring well, remind yourself regularly that no one will be perfect, focus on whether your absolute non-negotiables (safety, honesty, reliability, etc...) are being met, and then get out of her way. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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OP it is good that you are defining what your values are and will help you in finding a good nanny match. It is good advice that some have giving you that you will not find another you but you can look for matches that have a philosophy like yours, even if they do not think your way a good nanny will learn your way. Remember when you are giving your nanny feedback on what you want that you do this away from your child. When you interview be specific in your questions and what will work and what will not, communication is your friend here in finding your match.
The answer to your question is YES you can find a nanny that can match your style. |
Anonymous
I hate "shake it off" and "man up." There is a big difference between being a helicopter parent/nanny and ignoring a crying child; it sounds to me like you have the right balance. I'm extremely picky about the positions I accept, even for a trial period, because I know that my philosophies have to be similar to the parents' or it will never work. I would suggest looking for a nanny who is asking questions, even in the initial contact. See if she asks what discipline you use and if she's going to use the same (some parents want the nanny to do something different; weird...), pose a situation and see what she says she would do, but be careful not to let her know what you want done until after you hear her thoughts. On one hand, many nannies can fit their childcare style to the parents' preferences, but it's so much better if the nanny and parents agree from the start, and unfortunately, many nannies will BS to get a very good position. |
Anonymous
Exactly I am nanny and have same issues what to say when the parents are there because my charge doesn't listen ,eat etc when the parents are home. |
Anonymous
| Yes. I would be very upfront and clear with potential candidates that you practice positive parenting and what that means to you and how you would like this to implemented with your nanny/child. I too, practice positive parenting techniques and Montessori/REI practices and its a deal breaker to me with families I choose not work with. In fact, I've had issues with parents insisting I use timeout as a form of discipline. |
Anonymous
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Nanny here- I feel that it is my responsibility to provide the child with an environment that is consistent with the environment provided to them by their parents.
The only time I would have a problem with inconsistency is if the parents say one thing and then do not enforce it. I would absolutely be okay with what you are requesting. That being said, kids can pick these phrases up very easily in school or around other children/caregivers so it's hard to completely filter what they hear or perceive as normal. The nanny's responsibility is to care for and discipline the child how the parents do and if they do not agree with the parents' philosophy, then they should not accept the job. Make your opinions clear in the interviews. What you're asking is not unreasonable and I am sure you can find a nanny who would feel the same way. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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Thank you all for your input. It is so helpful and exactly what I was hoping to hear.
10:30 - I know this is a long shot but any chance you would be willing to share some more through email if I posted my address? I'm looking for exactly what you described but this is all new to me and I'm very nervous about it. Also, about payment. I'm willing to pay well, but what does that mean? We're in Bethesda. |
nannydebsays
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You can absolutely find someone, as long as you are very specific in your ad about what you want. For example, I would suggest you say something like:
Our ideal nanny is familiar with the Positive Discipline approach that Jane Nelson writes about, and is willing to work with us to continue to implement that childcare philosophy. And yes, it may extend your search and cost you a little more, but if this is your top requirement, you can find your ideal nanny. |
Anonymous
10:30 - Sure - happy to chat if you want to put up a generic email or something. I'm in lower MoCo also. |