Breaking curfew ?

[Anonymous]

We have a curfew that says you need to be home 7 hours before your shift if it starts in the morning (eg by 1am if you start work at 8am) and our au pair has broken it a few times recently. Otherwise, no curfew of course. There’s nothing really I can do or take away in terms of repercussion so I’m seeking advice on next steps. We have a great relationship, explained why we have the rule, and she says it won’t happen again, but then it does.

[Anonymous]

That's a tough situation. Is this happening on weekends or weekdays or both? I.e. does she regularly have to work on weekend mornings? Is she arriving a few minutes late or a few hours late? Maybe you could broach the subject by saying you know she understands it's important to be well-rested to safely watch the kids, and asking if there are any logistical issues keeping her from arriving back home on time (hard to find ubers, issues with public transportation or whatever). Maybe she could let you know in advance if she plans on being out late one night in particular, if it's possible for her to start later in the AM (reasonable if it's a Friday or Sat night, less reasonable if it's a random weekday and you need her to drive your kids to school the next morning). If you approach it from the standpoint that there is a disconnect on communication rather than reprimanding her for breaking the rules (even though she is), she might be less defensive and open to changing her behavior. Otherwise you might have to get the LCC involved but I'm sure you don't want to go there if you otherwise have a good relationship. You could also say you worry about her when she isn't home on time (I think APs appreciate knowing that the host parents care about them and their safety...) Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Is she ready and in a good mood when it's time for her to start her shift? If so, I wouldn't stress. If she starts becoming late or grumpy, I'd definitely start taking an issue with it.

[Anonymous]

Good lord an adult with a curfew. Are you paying her 24/7 if not then you don’t have a say. If she is on time to work than what is the issue?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good lord an adult with a curfew. Are you paying her 24/7 if not then you don’t have a say. If she is on time to work than what is the issue?!

Obviously the issue is that you don’t want someone taking care of your kids, especially driving them, if they are completely sleep deprived. It’s not safe. As a host parent I don’t care if my AP stays out all night partying, as long as she’s not responsible for my children the next morning.

[Anonymous]

Is the issue that you want her to be fresh in the morning? Or that she disrupts your sleep when she returns?

If the latter, I think I'll pull myself out of bed right when she wakes me up, and go and gently say something at that time-- it would her disruption very salient-- she may not realize the trouble she has been causing.

If the latter, then I think I'd assess whether she actually seems overly tired. She may be taking naps, etc. so the problem you're imagining isn't happening.

I also think (if the latter), then I'd kind of continue as you have been. That is, mention breaking curfew gently but not take any stricter action. She'll continue to break it sometimes, but the conversations will hold her in check so it's not very frequent. On the other hand, if you completely let go of the curfew, it will get a lot worse. If you come down hard, it will hurt your relationship.

[Anonymous]

We had the same rule and said that we would be flexible about it for a special occasion (like a concert or friend's birthday party, etc.) so that we could potentially flex her start time the next day. We didn't want our AP to be overtired or hungover and we didn't want her waking us up getting home at 3 am. They had no curfew if they didn't have to work the next day but we did ask them to generally let us know via text when they thought they'd be home (and to come in as quietly as possible!!)

All of our APs were 100% fine with this rule except one who probably broke the rule half a dozen times but she came in completely quietly and was up and chipper and ready to work on time so it didn't really matter. If it affected us I would have laid down the law and/or rematched.

[Anonymous]

I have hosted 10 au pairs - I used to have this rule, but I don't anymore.

If I have an au pair that is too tired in the morning to deal with my rowdy kids, I deal with that issue. If I have an au pair that oversleeps more than once in a great while, I deal with that issue. And so on.

Honestly, its one less thing to monitor and take up mental energy on my part, so that's a win in and of itself. Also, it is easier to recruit au pairs if you can say you don't have a curfew. Treat them like the adults that they are and you'll have a better relationship in the long run.