Would you (do you) gently correct your au pair's table manners?

[Anonymous]

We've hosted many au pairs over the years, and generally overlook the small stuff, but I'm really not enjoying dinner with our current au pair due to their table manners.

Typically, as we correct our children on their manners, our au pairs pick up on what's expected and things improve with time, but that is not happening here. We eat dinner together every night and I think at least my oldest sees that the au pair isn't held to the same standard that he is, but he has enough wherewithal to know better than to say anything in front of everyone.

I would certainly not say anything in front of the kids, and I would probably couch it under a "cultural information" conversation (i.e. this is what you may want to think about if you start dating anyone here), but I don't know if that's the right way to go about it or not.

[Anonymous]

What is she doing that bothers you exactly ?

[Anonymous]

What is it she’s doing?

[Anonymous]

Just what are we talking about here? If it's chewing with the mouth open, then yeah, I get why you're troubled. But most others would not be an issue.

We've hosted several APs from SE Asia, where it's customary to use a fork and spoon, instead of a fork and a knife. It's not an issue. Also, our family meals are relaxed and laid back, where we want the APs to feel comfortable.

[Anonymous]

OP here: AP is a he from Europe - he eats with his face in his plate of food and elbows spread wide; his forearms don't leave the table and his mouth goes down to his food. He also reaches across others to grab things from the table instead of asking for things to be passed. Those are the two things that bother me the most, the former more than the latter.

Our family meals are nothing fancy, but we make a point to eat together every night and are certainly trying to teach our children to sit up straight and bring their fork to their mouth.

[Anonymous]

Oof, I'd leave it alone. He's a grown adult. It's really tricky to teach an adult basic manners. If I were his family member I'd gently teach him, but not as his employer.

Some people are simply oblivious, while some resist being taught. My own mother absolutely refused to learn the correct way to use utensils and carried on talking with a mouth full, despite repeat reminders. I was not taught any table manners, but had to pick up cues as an adult by observing others. If he's receptive, he'd pick up the clues from your interaction with your kids. Otherwise he'd just not mind it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oof, I'd leave it alone. He's a grown adult. It's really tricky to teach an adult basic manners. If I were his family member I'd gently teach him, but not as his employer.

Some people are simply oblivious, while some resist being taught. My own mother absolutely refused to learn the correct way to use utensils and carried on talking with a mouth full, despite repeat reminders. I was not taught any table manners, but had to pick up cues as an adult by observing others. If he's receptive, he'd pick up the clues from your interaction with your kids. Otherwise he'd just not mind it.

+1. Just keep correcting your children and hopefully he catches on. If not, let it go.

[Anonymous]

You can fix the reaching across the table. Just comment the next time he does it: "BP, I'm happy to pass the dish over to you so you don't have to reach across the table. All you have to do is ask."

Repeat once a meal until he gets it.

The hunching over food, I'd leave alone and privately tell my kid that it doesn't look good, right? So, you shouldn't follow his example.

The elbows thing, I'd also leave alone... unless you're at Thanksgiving and have to pack more people around your table, then strategically put someone next to them that will politely comment: "Hey BP, you're elbowing me while eating. Please stop."

[Anonymous]

I have two teen boys. These are teen boy traits. Im hoping they clue in to the caveman like display they put on soon enough.
Tough. I don't mind correcting my kid, but I'm not sure I would outright correct an aupair.

[Anonymous]

OMG no I would not correct their table manners! Jesus Christ, you are nuts.