Sharing Au Pair with Ex for 50/50 Custody: Anyone BTDT?

[Anonymous]

We have two kids age 2 and 5, both go to preschool during the day. Joint 50/50 custody and my relationship with ExH is amicable. We are considering getting an au pair who would stay with the kids, hence splitting her time 50/50 between two parents. Has anyone done something like that? Would such an unconventional setting be a turn off for good AP candidates? What kind of housing situation would be better if we are to get an AP - nesting (kids stay in the main house, parents rotate in/out) or dad's house/mom's house (kids take turn to stay at each parents house)?

[Anonymous]

I think the kids having the move every week for a week is awful personally. Benefits the parents but not the kids. But regarding an au pair, it would be better for her to stay in one house. Like have a room at your house. When your ex has the kids she goes there from 3-6 or whatever then when he gets home she comes back to your house. If your kids are in full time childcare already why do you need an au pair? If the parent with the khds needs an au pair til bedtime or something maybe they should be with the other parent.

[Anonymous]

I'm not positive, but I don't think an AP can be required to go back and forth. You can ask the LCC about nesting.

You might want to look into getting a live-in nanny instead.

[Anonymous]

I think the au pair is required to have one home address only. I think having her commute over to the other parent's house for work hours may be viable. One of my APs became an illegal nanny after she was my AP, and she worked for a family with this arrangement and found it super difficult. I think it's a tough situation to put someone in, answering to two different bosses with different household rules, schedules, and expectations. One of my AP's friends had her host parents get divorced while she was there, and they ended up living in different units in the same building and getting her a studio in the same building. Technically the AP is supposed to be living under the same roof with the family, but this worked out for them for a while. One thing that would make me uncomfortable is that having your AP live with your 2 year old full time while you're only around half the time may position her to be the "primary caregiver" and #1 person in your child's eyes.

[Anonymous]

Good luck finding an au pair who'd be amenable to that, or keeping a good one once she's lived through it.

PPs have raised valid concerns. The biggest one from the outset is having two bosses and two set of house rules. that inevitably creates tension. It saves money for you and your ex, but what's the upside for the ap?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't have an AP stay with Dad as you risk allegations. Maybe have her live with mom and get a car to go back and forth during the week kids are with Dad if close enough.

[Anonymous]

I have seen this discussed before (probably on this forum, so try to search), and the consensus was that this is against the program rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I wouldn't have an AP stay with Dad as you risk allegations

. Maybe have her live with mom and get a car to go back and forth during the week kids are with Dad if close enough.

NP. I certainly understand the concern here. But just curious how do all the single/divorced fathers with 50/50 custody handle child care with no extra help? It seems on DCUM many single/divorced mothers hire APs, even when they share custody with their ExDH. Sure some dads would find stepmothers for their kids, or get help from grandparents. But still given 50/50 is the norm in DMV area now, wouldn't there be nearly as much demand for AP from single/divorced dads as the demand from single/divorced moms?

[Anonymous]

I knew an AP who worked with and lived with a divorced dad. The kids were on a week on week off schedule, so for the week off weeks, the AP didn’t have to do anything. Seemed like a sweet gig (assuming the dad is a decent guy). If I recall he was a doctor so that’s why he needed the au pair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I wouldn't have an AP stay with Dad as you risk allegations

. Maybe have her live with mom and get a car to go back and forth during the week kids are with Dad if close enough.

NP. I certainly understand the concern here. But just curious how do all the single/divorced fathers with 50/50 custody handle child care with no extra help? It seems on DCUM many single/divorced mothers hire APs, even when they share custody with their ExDH. Sure some dads would find stepmothers for their kids, or get help from grandparents. But still given 50/50 is the norm in DMV area now, wouldn't there be nearly as much demand for AP from single/divorced dads as the demand from single/divorced moms?

Some mom's replace the Dad's with their new husband too. Dad's handle it the same way Mom's do. Flexible schedules, day care, nanny, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I wouldn't have an AP stay with Dad as you risk allegations

. Maybe have her live with mom and get a car to go back and forth during the week kids are with Dad if close enough.

NP. I certainly understand the concern here. But just curious how do all the single/divorced fathers with 50/50 custody handle child care with no extra help? It seems on DCUM many single/divorced mothers hire APs, even when they share custody with their ExDH. Sure some dads would find stepmothers for their kids, or get help from grandparents. But still given 50/50 is the norm in DMV area now, wouldn't there be nearly as much demand for AP from single/divorced dads as the demand from single/divorced moms?

Many have nannies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I wouldn't have an AP stay with Dad as you risk allegations

. Maybe have her live with mom and get a car to go back and forth during the week kids are with Dad if close enough.

NP. I certainly understand the concern here. But just curious how do all the single/divorced fathers with 50/50 custody handle child care with no extra help? It seems on DCUM many single/divorced mothers hire APs, even when they share custody with their ExDH. Sure some dads would find stepmothers for their kids, or get help from grandparents. But still given 50/50 is the norm in DMV area now, wouldn't there be nearly as much demand for AP from single/divorced dads as the demand from single/divorced moms?

Yes and like PP said some au pairs travel to the other parents’ house to watch the kids but only live in one parent’s house. No switching off. Also some au pairs only work half time, when one parent needs an au pair and the other has a flexible schedule or different solutions.

[Anonymous]

I know some aps automatically rule out single dad households. It's one thing to live with mom and drive to dad's for the day; it's another for the ap to live under the same roof as just dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't have an AP stay with Dad as you risk allegations. Maybe have her live with mom and get a car to go back and forth during the week kids are with Dad if close enough.

Incredibly sexist, but typical DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Friend did this. AP stayed with her but shuttled kids back and forth. Babysat at dads but then came home. It worked well for everyone. My friend especially liked not having to see her ex.