When to know whether to rematch

[Anonymous]

Our au pair has been with us for 3.5 months. I hesitated about matching with her because her English is pretty limited but she’s our first overseas AP so I figured there was a learning curve and that it’s something I could live with. Needless to say, communication has been challenging even though my husband speaks her native language and I’ve tried to communicate in writing (so she could translate) whenever possible. She has been our most subpar au pair by far. She does the absolute bare minimum. Even though she has a pretty easy schedule (25 hours a week), weekends off etc it seems like she’s constantly trying to get off of work early. She regularly dismisses herself, puts the kids in front of the tv so she can go shower, and then pressures my husband to let her get off so she can go out and socialize (as early as 5/530). My husband doesn’t like to say no so he allows her but what this means is that it feels like she’s mostly a glorified Uber service. I’ve made my expectations clear but she’s either not getting it or ignoring me. I’ve been thinking about rematching because we’ve had several reset conversations and she doesn’t seem to be getting it / it’s not a great personality match but I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m hesitating to rematch because I’m worried that the pool won’t be good this time of the year and that the APs in rematch will be even worse. We haven’t had a major safety issue with her, so I’m just wondering if a general dissatisfaction with an AP is a good enough reason to rematch. I should mention that I think part of the issue is she’s made minimal effort to get to know us or spend time with us outside of her working hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our au pair has been with us for 3.5 months. I hesitated about matching with her because her English is pretty limited but she’s our first overseas AP so I figured there was a learning curve and that it’s something I could live with. Needless to say, communication has been challenging even though my husband speaks her native language and I’ve tried to communicate in writing (so she could translate) whenever possible. She has been our most subpar au pair by far. She does the absolute bare minimum. Even though she has a pretty easy schedule (25 hours a week), weekends off etc it seems like she’s constantly trying to get off of work early. She regularly dismisses herself, puts the kids in front of the tv so she can go shower, and then pressures my husband to let her get off so she can go out and socialize (as early as 5/530). My husband doesn’t like to say no so he allows her but what this means is that it feels like she’s mostly a glorified Uber service. I’ve made my expectations clear but she’s either not getting it or ignoring me. I’ve been thinking about rematching because we’ve had several reset conversations and she doesn’t seem to be getting it / it’s not a great personality match but I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m hesitating to rematch because I’m worried that the pool won’t be good this time of the year and that the APs in rematch will be even worse. We haven’t had a major safety issue with her, so I’m just wondering if a general dissatisfaction with an AP is a good enough reason to rematch. I should mention that I think part of the issue is she’s made minimal effort to get to know us or spend time with us outside of her working hours.

You are all over the place with your post. You made your "expectations clear" but she "pressures your husband to get off early and he does not like to say no." Does your husband know your expectations for the au pair? It sounds like you and your husband are not on the same page and or a "good cop/bad cop" situation. Is your husband such a wimp that this young woman pressures him to do something that you don't approve of or is there a pay off for him (for example the "feeling of being liked."

Maybe she needs to work more than 25 hours a week in order to get things done. What is she taking a shower while she is scheduled to provide care? This is the answer: because she is allowed to do so. If you have have reset conversations and things have not improved you should either accept the way things are or rematch. Its going to be a loooooooong year. You probably should have a reset conversation with your husband too. The both of you should have shared expectations and the AP should come to you with requests and concerns since it its important to your husband to be the nice guy.

[Anonymous]

I am guessing she is assuming if your husband is at home and your kids are not tiny babies that he wants to be with his kids and she is not needed. If she is just hanging around she probably feels like she could be off?

Not saying this is righy but most nannies/au pairs get resentful working when a parent is home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am guessing she is assuming if your husband is at home and your kids are not tiny babies that he wants to be with his kids and she is not needed. If she is just hanging around she probably feels like she could be off?

Not saying this is righy but most nannies/au pairs get resentful working when a parent is home.

Maybe but my husband often works from home so him being home definitely doesn’t mean she’s off (and that’s been made clear). It doesn’t seem like an unreasonable expectation for her to play with the kids, do art, read books, take walks, whatever it is while my husband is cooking or working instead of letting herself off after 2-3 hours working the whole day to go out and socialize at 530 pm. I’ve made it clear that we need help between when the kids get out of school and when we have dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am guessing she is assuming if your husband is at home and your kids are not tiny babies that he wants to be with his kids and she is not needed. If she is just hanging around she probably feels like she could be off?

Not saying this is righy but most nannies/au pairs get resentful working when a parent is home.

Maybe but my husband often works from home so him being home definitely doesn’t mean she’s off (and that’s been made clear). It doesn’t seem like an unreasonable expectation for her to play with the kids, do art, read books, take walks, whatever it is while my husband is cooking or working instead of letting herself off after 2-3 hours working the whole day to go out and socialize at 530 pm. I’ve made it clear that we need help between when the kids get out of school and when we have dinner.

You ought to focus on the fact that your husband is allowing this. He needs to address the behaviors with her. You have "made it clear." YOU and YOUR husband need to make is clear and be united in addressing the behaviors with her. I agree with the other poster about you and your husband need to have SHARED expectations.

[Anonymous]

Whatever the case is whether the husband allows this or not, I do think this is a rematch situation. 3.5 months in and she's not great. time to move on. This time of year you'll find great candidates from latin america

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever the case is whether the husband allows this or not, I do think this is a rematch situation. 3.5 months in and she's not great. time to move on. This time of year you'll find great candidates from latin america

+1, just rematch. I understand the husband situation, lot of people don't know how to say No. I WFH a lot and I tell my AP to act like I am not there. I disappear to the office and pop in/out and she gets that. Either your husband steps up or you rematch. Tbh it doesn't seem like she is a great AP. My AP works 45 hours/week and doesn't try to abuse the situation. Also did your rest included the LLC? if you haven't done so, that might be something to try but I think it won't go anywhere because you AP doesn't respect you or your DH and will just do whatever!

[Anonymous]

You don’t have an au pair problem you have a husband problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have an au pair problem you have a husband problem.

No you have an au pair problem. She does the bare minimum, dismisses herself, ignores you and is a bad personality match? Not even a question. Rematch. This situation seems like it's only going to get worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have an au pair problem you have a husband problem.

+1

She seems focused on the AP. The AP is doing what she is allowed to do.

[Anonymous]

She's lazy and not doing her job. You know this because it's not your first experience. With this work ethic, what's going to happen when summer comes and she has to put in more hours?

Rematch and maybe try NOT to match with someone who is always going to speak with your husband first because he speaks in her native language.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's lazy and not doing her job. You know this because it's not your first experience. With this work ethic, what's going to happen when summer comes and she has to put in more hours?

Rematch and maybe try NOT to match with someone who is always going to speak with your husband first because he speaks in her native language.

+100, DH speaking AP's language is not helping with this particular AP.

[Anonymous]

Husband lets her get out early. Husband is not involved in aP plopping kids in front of the tv so she can shower. In our manual, we say that she must shower and be dressed and ready to go before work. THis is not excusable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have an au pair problem you have a husband problem.

No you have an au pair problem. She does the bare minimum, dismisses herself, ignores you and is a bad personality match? Not even a question. Rematch. This situation seems like it's only going to get worse.

+1. You need an au pair that doesn't try to take advantage of your husband's desire to be a flexible and accommodating host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have an au pair problem you have a husband problem.

No you have an au pair problem. She does the bare minimum, dismisses herself, ignores you and is a bad personality match? Not even a question. Rematch. This situation seems like it's only going to get worse.

+1. You need an au pair that doesn't try to take advantage of your husband's desire to be a flexible and accommodating host.

+1000