Parents feel differently about new nanny

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have a totally different view of how things are going with our son's new nanny. She's been on the job for two months. I think she's great, attentive, gentle, flexible, open to suggestion, etc. He thinks she's aloof, doesn't listen carefully, isn't assertive enough (lets our son get away with stuff like eating on the sofa) and doesn't engage our son enough. It's almost as if we're talking about two different people. We have agreed to start giving her some more regular feedback (e.g. weekly) and see if things improve, but I'm really struggling with the fact that we have such different perceptions of what's going on.

Other important points:

1) She communicates better in French than in English, and she speaks French to our son; I speak French and my husband does not; so there could be quite a lot "lost in translation."

2) My husband works from home frequently so he sees more of her than I do (but I feel like I see her enough/daily to see how she interacts with our son and to talk with her a bit).

3) Our son is 3 and in morning preschool; nanny comes afterwards (while I'm at work) and leaves when I come home (around 7pm). The transition from dad to nanny is around lunchtime when he is hungry, so sometimes it doesn't go very well. On the days when there is no preschool, she comes earlier and I do the transition, which goes perfectly fine.

Any advice from the nannies or parents out there who have been in this situation?

[Anonymous]

Did you have a previous nanny? What did each of you like and dislike about the previous nanny?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you have a previous nanny? What did each of you like and dislike about the previous nanny?

We were on the same page with the previous nanny, we both liked her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have a totally different view of how things are going with our son's new nanny. She's been on the job for two months. I think she's great, attentive, gentle, flexible, open to suggestion, etc. He thinks she's aloof, doesn't listen carefully, isn't assertive enough (lets our son get away with stuff like eating on the sofa) and doesn't engage our son enough. It's almost as if we're talking about two different people. We have agreed to start giving her some more regular feedback (e.g. weekly) and see if things improve, but I'm really struggling with the fact that we have such different perceptions of what's going on.

Other important points:

1) She communicates better in French than in English, and she speaks French to our son; I speak French and my husband does not; so there could be quite a lot "lost in translation."

2) My husband works from home frequently so he sees more of her than I do (but I feel like I see her enough/daily to see how she interacts with our son and to talk with her a bit).

3) Our son is 3 and in morning preschool; nanny comes afterwards (while I'm at work) and leaves when I come home (around 7pm). The transition from dad to nanny is around lunchtime when he is hungry, so sometimes it doesn't go very well. On the days when there is no preschool, she comes earlier and I do the transition, which goes perfectly fine.

Any advice from the nannies or parents out there who have been in this situation?

Seems like it's a language problem. But since your husband is there more during working hours, I would not discount his view. Did the previous nanny also only speak French with the child and have limited English.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you have a previous nanny? What did each of you like and dislike about the previous nanny?

We were on the same page with the previous nanny, we both liked her.

But WHAT did each of you like? For example, I might like apples because they are sweet and someone else likes them because they are healthy, so if we swtch from apples to ice cream I am thrilled but they are pissed.

You probably never really talked about WHY you both liked old nanny; you each assumed the other liked the same things about her that you did. Have that conversation now to give your current predicament some context.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, PP.
The other nanny spoke better English for sure (also spoke French).

Actually, in my view, the previous and current nanny have a lot in common - attentiveness, love for our son, flexibility (the new one is actually more flexible), etc.

I also think the difference is primarily cultural/language related, but what can I do about it? I don't want to let go a perfectly lovely nanny without trying in earnest to get us all to a better place...

[Anonymous]

It’s hard to work around a stay-at-home parent, especially one who you sense doesn’t understand or like you. Your husband’s feedback is likely to make her unhappy and leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to work around a stay-at-home parent, especially one who you sense doesn’t understand or like you. Your husband’s feedback is likely to make her unhappy and leave.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to work around a stay-at-home parent, especially one who you sense doesn’t understand or like you. Your husband’s feedback is likely to make her unhappy and leave.

+1

OP here, struggling to figure out what part of this is your advice.