Split shift and night owl

[Anonymous]

We have early mornings in our house for both parents, then both kids are in school, one finishes at 1:00 and the other at 3:00. School is about a 10 minute walk. One parent gets home about 5:00, the other about 6:30.

We had wanted an au pair to help with mornings as they are chaotic and the kids don't need to be up and out the door as early as we are. The plan was OP would help with mornings, take them to school, pick them up at 1:00 and 3:00 and help with the kids while parent gets dinner ready and then be off duty.

Turns out OP is not a morning person at all. She is like a moody teen in the morning, half awake and just in a fog. She is a night owl and swears she goes to bed earlier but can't sleep. Her help in the mornings actually became more of a burden then a help and we ended up doing everything anyways as she is just too sleepy to move the kids along. She started staying in bed longer and longer. Eventually I just left her there as she really wasn't helping anyways and it was just more stressful. NO amount of meetings or conversations seemed to help as she feels she is just biologically programmed this way. It has now gotten to the point that I just drop the kids off at school on my way out the door as she is usually still schlepping around in her pajamas with her eyes half shut buttering the same English muffin for 5 minutes and it annoys me so much I just take the kids and get out of the house. By afternoon, she is awake and fine - not fantastic but fine. No issues with the rest of the day.

The other day, she didn't even get up and we just went through our routine just like we did before the AP. In some ways it was almost easier and less stressful as i wasn't irritated that she was doing so little and since I was doing everything anyways, it wasn't anymore work.

Yet at the same time, the person I am paying to help is sleeping at a time when her help (if it was actual help) would be part of the reason why we got an AP. Should I just leave it or is it worth the battle?

[Anonymous]

What are the morning hours she is expected to work? You said last parent gets home at 6:30. How long does it take to get dinner ready? Was she aware of the split shift? I really don’t think it’s worth it since she doesnt even try. She knows she’s there to work yet stayed in bed? Not cool

[Anonymous]

I’d rematch if the au pair wasn’t capable of performing part of her JOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d rematch if the au pair wasn’t capable of performing part of her JOB.

Why would you even keep her around? Just go into rematch because it would barely be different anyway

[Anonymous]

What are the morning hours? Assuming you discussed the schedule with her before you matched, and she knew this going in (did you ask about her "night owl" make-up?), I agree that her inability to do her job at the hours needed makes her unsuitable for the job with your family.

[Anonymous]

Rematch.

[Anonymous]

Either rematch or leave the house and let her sink or swim.

[Anonymous]

You will only get angrier and more resentful if you allow this to continue. If she can't handle the morning shift, you need to rematch.

[Anonymous]

I should also have added that the fact that she is simply staying in bed later and later is unacceptable. She needs to have a start time (which was hopefully communicated to her during matching) and that is the time she needs to be up and "on duty" dealing with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Oh hell no. We had this and put up with it for way too long. She would get up at her start time but literally roll into the kitchen directly from bed, unwashed and unready to start the day. Rematch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either rematch or leave the house and let her sink or swim.

The kids pay the price. Give your AP the boot.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all. Morning hours are 6:30 until she drops the kids off at school at 8:30. I can leave as late as 8:00 but it means doing work in the evening so I prefer to go in earlier and not have to work in the evening.

Then she is off from 8:30 - 12:45 when she heads back to pick up the younger one. She is then on until I get home at 5:00. From 5:00 - 6:30, we are both on - helping with homework, older one has an activity twice a week, getting dinner ready, taking kids to the park etc. She doesn't cook but sometimes if she is staying home while I am out with the older one, or with the kids at the park, I will ask her to watch and make sure it doesn't burn or to take something out of the oven or off the stove at x time. Usually she opts to stay home and watch the stove versus going to the park with the kids and I like taking them so it works. We eat at 6:30 and she usually joins us for dinner.

She is fine from 12:30 - 6:30. Not amazing, but adequate.

She said the reason she didn't get up as she had taken cold medicine and slept through her alarm. I think the later and later was because I was staying home and doing it anyways so she figured she wasn't really needed. She just looks so bleary eyed, half asleep, and lethargic when she is up in the morning that I just stay to keep things moving. I could just leave and let her deal.

[Anonymous]

You should just leave and let her deal. I'm not a morning person either and look like hell in the morning. As long as she does what needs to be done, just let her be. Who cares if she's not all bright eyed and bushy tailed. As long as the kids are fed, have what they need for school and are on time, what does it matter?

[Anonymous]

If she's taking heavy duty cold medicine, she might not be safe to drive. But how long can a cold last?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she's taking heavy duty cold medicine, she might not be safe to drive. But how long can a cold last?

Or she's using it to try to adjust her night owl schedule. If it's been more than a few days of this kind of use, I'd get concerned about how she tries to take shortcuts and easy fixes.