Au pair overnight guests & food

[Anonymous]

What’s the expectation for providing meals to au pair guests staying for mutiple days? Our au pair has a friend here for four days, and it seems the expectation is that au pair and the guest are welcome to raid the fridge and devour whatever they find, including leftovers that were supposed to be the main course for family dinner tonight (and would have been, had au pair’s guest not helped herself twice in the last 24 hours to at least a double portion each time of the leftovers). I don’t mind a guest staying with us, but I do mind having to make entire additional meals because of it. The au pair and guest are nowhere to be seen until they emerge, eat, rinse off half of what they dirtied, and leave. There has been zero effort to share family meal prep, just fridge raiding and goodbye.

Yes, I am frustrated right now. But I really do want to understand expectations here. They’re blowing up my meal planning (I seriously have to make a different family dinner now, on Sunday night) and I’m not super keen on watching huge volumes of food disappear into this guest, to the extent that I have to rethink what’s available for the next meals. I don’t want to be unreasonable but I DO want to be clear with expectations before the next guest arrives.

Advice welcome. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

If someone ate a portion at a meal, that’s a portion, not a “double portion.”

If we say our au pair can host a guest (and our au pairs have had many guests ranging from au pairs trying to rematch to random friends from home country to au pair’s nuclear family members) then we buy enough food for everyone. After all it’s a guest in my home.

You didn’t buy enough food to accommodate your household. Your bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If someone ate a portion at a meal, that’s a portion, not a “double portion.”

If we say our au pair can host a guest (and our au pairs have had many guests ranging from au pairs trying to rematch to random friends from home country to au pair’s nuclear family members) then we buy enough food for everyone. After all it’s a guest in my home.

You didn’t buy enough food to accommodate your household. Your bad.

To be clear, the guest single handledly ate about a pound of meat. I have teenage boys. The guest ate more than either of them, and she hit the same leftovers twice. They did not join us for prepared meals, so it’s not like I made five pork chops for six people. This is more like I made fifteen pork chops, five were consumed for meal one, and guest helped herself to seven of the remaining chops over the course of the next day. We have a well stocked pantry and freezer and even a well stocked refrigerator from which one might prepare themselves a meal. But I don’t have several pre-made family dinners just sitting there waiting for random consumption. If these girls chose to dine with us, fine. But the helping themselves to what is effectively everyone else’s dinner really bothers me. I think you would be surprised by how much this guest truly ate. With TWO HUNGRY TEEN BOYS plus a husband, I would have expected the leftovers to serve everyone for dinner plus have some leftover even beyond that. But I suppose if you fill your plate ONLY with the main course, and have none of the sides, that equation might change. Which is what the guest did - ate only the main course and nothing else, but now I have no main course for half my family.

[Anonymous]

Order pizza tonight and just order enough for your family. Au Pair and guest can have what's left of that or raid the fridge. I'd have a conversation with both, explain tonights dinner got eaten and from now on they can help themselves to sandwiches and fruit, ramen, whatever but that actual meal looking dishes need to be left alone.

[Anonymous]

What I'm going to say is really controversial and I am going to get flamed. But, some cultures are just not gracious guests and you have to set boundaries, which feels awful to do as a host. I find German guests to be particularly ill mannered as guests and need to warn you that I have found the only effective way to handle it is to call them out. We have many German relatives and hosted a couple German APs- consuming 5 meals worth of food is standard fare for a German guest. And God help you if you take them to a restaurant; you'll need a second mortgage to pay the bill and they will never offer to help pay. Lay down the law now while you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I'm going to say is really controversial and I am going to get flamed. But, some cultures are just not gracious guests and you have to set boundaries, which feels awful to do as a host. I find German guests to be particularly ill mannered as guests and need to warn you that I have found the only effective way to handle it is to call them out. We have many German relatives and hosted a couple German APs- consuming 5 meals worth of food is standard fare for a German guest. And God help you if you take them to a restaurant; you'll need a second mortgage to pay the bill and they will never offer to help pay. Lay down the law now while you can.

OP here. They are German! They returned to the kitchen to clear out all of the cookies in our pantry.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, I feel you, I will be really annoyed as well! The guest should eat diner with you guys and leave left over alone. Just tell them that and tell them they are welcome to cook something else if needed as precooked meals are there for a reason.

[Anonymous]

I am a former AP.

All of this is not OK at all. You need to have a talk with your AP.
Ask her to buy extra food when she has company.

Just tell her that you had planned to use the leftovers for your Sunday night dinner and that you had to order pizza because they had eaten everything ...

Do it now or it'll get worse.

I don't think they realize it is a problem for you, just tell her and then you can move on

[Anonymous]

You don't have to supply food for the guests AT ALL. Over our years of hosting, we had several sisters and moms visit and none of them abused our hospitality. They also had to share the AP's room because we don't have a guest room. I think mostly they bought and cooked their own food or went out. All were German, by the way.

[Anonymous]

The problem here is that you didnt discuss your expectations with your AP before her guest arrived. We just hosted our AP's sister and friend and I told her in advance that I would cook for them one night and expect her/them to cook for the family one night and go out for one night of their three night stay with us. Everyone was happy. If you rely on leftovers for subsequent meals (which is great, no criticism), you should tell your AP and maybe put a stick note that says "Please don't eat" on the tupperware.

I am always surprised by HPs who come to this forum to vent when they havent communicated their expectations to their AP. APs arent mind readers!

[Anonymous]

I am clear from the beginning that we need to agree before AP can host a guest in our home. I am very specific when I say AP is hosting. This does not mean the host family is hosting. Therefore, it is up to the AP to host which means AP can provide food, amenities, whatever the guest needs to stay as HER guest, not our guests.

A lot of the misunderstandings and tensions come from not addressing at the point of agreeing or not agreeing to let AP have a guest over.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a college roommate problem. Frustrating, but minor.

Let it go. Don’t be petty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a college roommate problem. Frustrating, but minor.

Let it go. Don’t be petty.

This. I know you are frustrated right now, OP. But it's not a big deal. Ultimately, there was not enough food for the guest. So, try to do something very simple tonight: pizza or rotisserie chicken with a salad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I'm going to say is really controversial and I am going to get flamed. But, some cultures are just not gracious guests and you have to set boundaries, which feels awful to do as a host. I find German guests to be particularly ill mannered as guests and need to warn you that I have found the only effective way to handle it is to call them out. We have many German relatives and hosted a couple German APs- consuming 5 meals worth of food is standard fare for a German guest. And God help you if you take them to a restaurant; you'll need a second mortgage to pay the bill and they will never offer to help pay. Lay down the law now while you can.

Firstly, They are not OPs guests! AP is supposed to be another adult and family member and friend is APs guest and should be behaving in a considerate and respectful way. She is already saving the cost of a hotel. They should be helping with shopping, cooking and cleaning. Thats wahat all of my APs and their friends have been doing.

Second of all. I‘m German. This behaviour is not culturally excusable. German curtesy and manners require this (at least in a conservative household): head of household sits at the top of the table, maybe even serves and gives out proportionate shares of main and sides, growing children and teenagers would be favoured and served first.
Outside the dinner table a guest always asks for anything and never opens fridge or cupboards. If you are told by your host to help yourself to anything, you won’t except tap water or toilet paper at midnight.

Upon an invitation to a restaurant you would wait for the person paying the bill to place their order and then always order something that does not exceed the cost of that dish. If they are skipping pre-course and desert, so will the guest. Also, splitting the bill and offering to pay ones share is very common. Unless you have been told beforehand that the bill is on the host, you will never assume differently.
Actually the German- Turkish community uses the term „Deutsch bezahlen“ (paying the German way) as an expression for split bills.

Finally, heres the appropiate quote for your AP and her so-called guest in German
Besuch ist wie Fisch - nach 3 Tagen stinkt er.

Her friend needs to leave!

[Anonymous]

Talk to them and ask them to either cook their own meals or help you to cook a family meal.