When AP is not invited

[Anonymous]

We were invited to a campfire at a friends house with our kids. The family is a great family that we are happy to be becoming good friends with. Have an AP tag along is fine but once in a while we just want our family to be together and I kinda feel weird asking this family if she can come.

We are on AP1 -- how do you get away for friends/family time without hurting the AP's feelings by not extending an invite?

[Anonymous]

You don't invite her. I tell AP we are going out with friends and to feel free to make her own plans including inviting a friend over to our house while we are gone. I don't give details of where we are going, make excuses, offer explanations, lie, etc. It is what it is. Your friends and extended family are not obligated to invite AP to everything. And you aren't obligated to invite AP to everything. You would never expect AP to invite you along to a party, dinner, movie, etc that AP is going to with her friends.

With that said, when we go just as family somewhere I invite AP most of the time. If we have a party at home, we include AP and tell her she can invite a friend or two. We always host a Thanksgiving with extended family and AP had always taken us up on the offer to invite a friend.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a great question. I have only extended invitations to our au pairs when we were invited in the first few weeks after the au pairs arrived.

It's actually a bit more uncomfortable asking our friends in some cases... but usually we are close enough that it's not too weird. Our kids are a bit older so AP needs to feel comfortable hanging out with the adults.

After the first few weeks, I just let her know that we have plans. It's no big deal. If she is a normal, social au pair, she will have her own plans too anyway.

[Anonymous]

You don't invite her. It's not your event. Just tell her you have plans with friends. Yes, your kids don't really have a choice not to go, but the AP is NOT equivalent of your kids. This is an awkward third wheel sort of situation. It's rude to ask your friends if she can tag along AND it's rude of her to come as a tag along.

The trolls will possibly come out, but your au pair will NOT be inviting you to events with her friends (unless she wants you to pay her way). You're allowed your own plans too.

For example, there's a great post on aupairmom about what treating an au pair as "family" means and most of the responses are reasonable (ie no trolls so far compared to the AP and nanny trolls here).

[Anonymous]

We do say no to invitations the first weekend and spend it with AP. But after that, we resume social plans that may or may not involve AP. She should be having fun on weekends with other young adults. Not hanging with kids and parents 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Great responses!

[Anonymous]

Agree with all of the above. You can't expect your friends to extend invites to your AP. Just like your AP can't expect her friends to invite you! You should plan some family outings throughout the year with AP but this is completely different than you bringing AP along to your personal social events. Here is the difference for me: When we go out to eat on the weekends as a family, we invite AP. If we host a BBQ or something at our house, we include AP. If we at invited by friends, we do not include AP unless friends specifically ask (our neighbors always ask)

[Anonymous]

This is so strange. We had an AuPair that is like a daughter. She comes back to visit 2xs a year and is here right now for her birthday. I never invited her to something like what the OP is describing. She stayed with us at age 19 and is now 23. Zero interest in hanging out with middle aged people at their friends house. We simply tell her we are going out with friends, have a great night!

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I would also find it very strange for an AP to want to go to these family events...a bunch of 30-40 somethings and kids. Why not grab another AP or 2 and go do something fun??