Speaking native language too much?

[Anonymous]

Our AP is from South America and only speaks English to us (is actually quite good, all of our kids understand her). The problem is that she speaks Portuguese all other times, on the phone, when friends are over etc. She has about 5-6 close friends who speak Portuguese and they sit with us at the table or at an event (soccer, baseball etc) and only speak their language. In the car (us driving) she will be chatting away on her phone in Portuguese.
I love that my kids are exposed to another language but she has only been here 2 months so they don't know any of it yet.
I asked my son (8) if she speaks English to them during the day and he said yes. Am i over reacting in wanting her to speak with us in a language we understand or around us?

TL/DR: Our AP can speak wonderful English and will when watching the kids. All other times it is Portuguese. Is this a problem.

[Anonymous]

I don't think this is a problem as long as she speaks English to your children. But you should advise her that if she really came to America to better her English skills she should try to hang out more with Americans and speak English more. Just your 2 cents

[Anonymous]

It might be a problem for her in terms of developing her English language skills, but as long as she's speaking English with your family it's not a problem for you.

[Anonymous]

It would not bother me, but it maybe worth understanding why it bothers you. I see two scenarios:
(1) You are bothered when she is speaking a language you do not understand.
(2) You feel like she is not getting the most out of her time here in the US.

For (1), you could say something casually when her friends are over or when you are taking them to soccer, etc: "Hey, your conversation sounds really exciting! We want to participate." Hopefully, they will get it as a clue. However, I think that South Americans are worse than other countries. I have a bunch of colleagues from South America and they ALWAYS speak Spanish when there is a big gathering. Even though half of us do not understand it.

For (2), I would let it go. They get a lot out of being in the states for a year, even if they don't speak English all the time.

[Anonymous]

We are very clear in matching, handbook, and training that we expect APs to speak English with their friends in front of us. The only exception is when a friend (or family member) comes to visit and doesn't speak English. If a friend is an AP, then we expect both of them to speak English in front of us and the children. No one wants to feel like an outsider in their own home or car by not understanding the discussion.

No one has had a problem with this. Our APs can have friends over as much as they want, so this is a small price to pay.

[Anonymous]

Bilingualism is a thing, so if your kids can understand her, she's not speaking her native language "too much". There is, however, etiquette to multilingual situations, and she doesn't seem to be aware of norms. When we speak with our kids around family in their first language (not English) we do a quick run-down in English for the other people in the room.
She should not have Brazilian friends over and carry on conversations entirely in Portuguese in your family room with you around, anymore than she should be on her phone the entire time. If you're all cooking dinner together, it's fine for her to say a line or two to a friend without a translation, but not to be exclusive.

[Anonymous]

I've had many au pairs and I think on the phone it's a probate convo and they can speak what they want. At dinner or around you, it's a litttl weird. I've usually seen a mix...like if they are quickly asking if they want something it may be in their language but rest of the time in English. I'd prob let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are very clear in matching, handbook, and training that we expect APs to speak English with their friends in front of us. The only exception is when a friend (or family member) comes to visit and doesn't speak English. If a friend is an AP, then we expect both of them to speak English in front of us and the children. No one wants to feel like an outsider in their own home or car by not understanding the discussion.

No one has had a problem with this. Our APs can have friends over as much as they want, so this is a small price to pay.

omg lol wait what really

i guess since i speak german it bothers me less but i don't expect people to speak my language just because i'm also present

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are very clear in matching, handbook, and training that we expect APs to speak English with their friends in front of us. The only exception is when a friend (or family member) comes to visit and doesn't speak English. If a friend is an AP, then we expect both of them to speak English in front of us and the children. No one wants to feel like an outsider in their own home or car by not understanding the discussion.

No one has had a problem with this. Our APs can have friends over as much as they want, so this is a small price to pay.

omg lol wait what really

i guess since i speak german it bothers me less but i don't expect people to speak my language just because i'm also present

Thats called being polite not excluding people from conversation when visiting someone's home. Its one thing if the other person doesn't know English but to intentionally speak another language is rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are very clear in matching, handbook, and training that we expect APs to speak English with their friends in front of us. The only exception is when a friend (or family member) comes to visit and doesn't speak English. If a friend is an AP, then we expect both of them to speak English in front of us and the children. No one wants to feel like an outsider in their own home or car by not understanding the discussion.

No one has had a problem with this. Our APs can have friends over as much as they want, so this is a small price to pay.

omg lol wait what really

i guess since i speak german it bothers me less but i don't expect people to speak my language just because i'm also present

Thats called being polite not excluding people from conversation when visiting someone's home. Its one thing if the other person doesn't know English but to intentionally speak another language is rude.

Is it rude to speak English in a Mexican or Vietnamese restaurant

It's definitely an asshole move to ban an entire language from your home

Seriously you just suck as a human. Not as a host mom, not as a MB, as a member of the human race

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are very clear in matching, handbook, and training that we expect APs to speak English with their friends in front of us. The only exception is when a friend (or family member) comes to visit and doesn't speak English. If a friend is an AP, then we expect both of them to speak English in front of us and the children. No one wants to feel like an outsider in their own home or car by not understanding the discussion.

No one has had a problem with this. Our APs can have friends over as much as they want, so this is a small price to pay.

omg lol wait what really

i guess since i speak german it bothers me less but i don't expect people to speak my language just because i'm also present

Thats called being polite not excluding people from conversation when visiting someone's home. Its one thing if the other person doesn't know English but to intentionally speak another language is rude.

Is it rude to speak English in a Mexican or Vietnamese restaurant

It's definitely an asshole move to ban an entire language from your home

Seriously you just suck as a human. Not as a host mom, not as a MB, as a member of the human race

What are you even talking about? No one is banning any language from being spoken. We are simply asking that when an AP has friends over and she is hanging out with us - in the kitchen with us, in the car with us - that they speak English so that all who are present are included. This is simply called good manners. She can chat away in her home language all she wants in any other room in the house and any other time she wants, but when she has a friend over and is with one of her host children, it can make the child feel left out not to understand the conversation going on around her.

Please save the drama about people sucking as humans. Save that for Assad and others. Asking people to have manners isn't sucking as a human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are very clear in matching, handbook, and training that we expect APs to speak English with their friends in front of us. The only exception is when a friend (or family member) comes to visit and doesn't speak English. If a friend is an AP, then we expect both of them to speak English in front of us and the children. No one wants to feel like an outsider in their own home or car by not understanding the discussion.

No one has had a problem with this. Our APs can have friends over as much as they want, so this is a small price to pay.

omg lol wait what really

i guess since i speak german it bothers me less but i don't expect people to speak my language just because i'm also present

Thats called being polite not excluding people from conversation when visiting someone's home. Its one thing if the other person doesn't know English but to intentionally speak another language is rude.

Is it rude to speak English in a Mexican or Vietnamese restaurant

It's definitely an asshole move to ban an entire language from your home

Seriously you just suck as a human. Not as a host mom, not as a MB, as a member of the human race

What are you even talking about? No one is banning any language from being spoken. We are simply asking that when an AP has friends over and she is hanging out with us - in the kitchen with us, in the car with us - that they speak English so that all who are present are included. This is simply called good manners. She can chat away in her home language all she wants in any other room in the house and any other time she wants, but when she has a friend over and is with one of her host children, it can make the child feel left out not to understand the conversation going on around her.

Please save the drama about people sucking as humans. Save that for Assad and others. Asking people to have manners isn't sucking as a human.

I am bilingual (and poorly speak two other languages) and it doesn't bother me very much when people speak another language around me. But my husband, who speaks mostly only English, sometimes reminds me that it's rude when I speak my native language (French) with my kids and other people are around (like my kids' friends for example). I also had to change the way I interacted with my kids when we ended up with a Brazilian AP out of rematch. I quickly realized she would probably feel somewhat excluded if I continuously spoke French to my children in front of her. I suspect it has to do with the environment in which one was raised and comfort level with not understanding what is being spoken around you. Regardless, since my husband has brought it up, I am a lot more careful about this. Perhaps bilingual German-speaking host mom is like I was, not as conscious that is can be offensive to others because it is not that offensive to her. Still doesn't mean other people suck as humans, good lord...

[Anonymous]

I am the HM who apparently "sucks as a human." I speak English, French, and German. Just as APs get find it rude and often ask for rematch when their HFs speak a language they don't understand in front of them (note how many APs come through rematch who complain that their HFs speak Chinese or Hebrew in front of them when they don't speak those languages), I consider it impolite for our APs to chat away in their native language without regard to others when they are WITH US and have a friend there. And I am clear about that in matching, so anyone who thinks that this means I "suck as a human" can choose another family (hasn't ever happened in ten years of hosting).

I speak German so I can understand most of what our APs are saying when they speak to their friends in German, but this is still exclusionary to others in my family and also is outside the spirit of the program WHEN THEY ARE SPENDING TIME WITH US. I could not care less what they speak when they are with their friends in any other room of the house or anywhere else, but in OUR KITCHEN WITH US and in OUR CAR WITH US, they should speak the language our family all speaks. That's called manners. It's called perspective-taking. It's called being a person who is acting like a member of the family, when the family happens to speak English.

Good Lord, the hyperbole. If I "suck as a member of the human race" because I ask for basic good manners, what language do you use for people who actually harm or kill people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it rude to speak English in a Mexican or Vietnamese restaurant

It's definitely an asshole move to ban an entire language from your home

Seriously you just suck as a human. Not as a host mom, not as a MB, as a member of the human race

You sound like a dramatic teenager. Chill out- do something useful with your youthful angst.

[Anonymous]

There are "trolls" on this forum who get a kick out of insulting and bullying other posters. Don't give them the time of day.

I work with people who are bilingual/trilingual. I don't mind when they switch to their native languages for a few sentences, which usually only happens when they are clarifying, translating, or explaining something with greater detail. It lasts less than a minute.
However, I would feel differently if I were living with/hosting someone who carried on long conversations with other guests in our home, in a language that not everyone understood. It separates and isolates those from conversation who speak/don't speak the language, and it isn't a behavior I would condone in front of our children. Our guests, our APs and her friends, should be mindful of everyone at the dinner table, or at a social event. If they are that clueless about those they are excluding, they are probably also conversing about things that they otherwise wouldn't be or shouldn't be talking about if everyone at the dinner table understood them.
Children in particular can be surprisingly adept at deciphering languages, and they might even infer a criticism towards them or their family in a foreign language.