How to handle Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

First AP joined us 2 weeks ago and I am trying to figure out how to handle Thanksgiving. My 2 kids and I typically go to my mom's house for the holiday weekend (about 2 hours away). The holiday is very low key, we just do the turkey dinner, but not much else. My mom is older and not very active so we just kind of hang out all weekend, lots of tv time (sigh). My kids and I all cram into the one tiny spare bedroom there, me in a full size bed and kids in twin bunk beds. There are no extra bedrooms - super small ranch house, 1 bathroom, and generally everyone is on top of each other.

While I would love for AP to experience an American Thanksgiving dinner, if she does, I will either need all of us to stay in a hotel (and then she needs her own room, correct?) or I will have to get a hotel room just for her. In either scenario, she will not have her own car, so she will either sit and hang out with my mother and brother and kids while we all watch tv or hang out at the hotel (in which case she will probably feel stranded, as it is a rural-ish area with nothing walkable from the hotel).

Should I just explain all this to AP and let her choose whether she wants to come? I don't want her to her to feel obligated to come but I also don't want her to feel like we are leaving her out. We just have a small family and don't do big things for the holidays.

FWIW AP's actions so far indicate that she is independent and isn't really looking for a warm and fuzzy family experience... She has spent all of her free time with her new friends and none of it (even weekend meals) with my kids and I (she even declined coming pumpkin picking with us this past weekend, which we had spoken about doing together even before she arrived, to do something w/her friends).

[Anonymous]

I would just talk to her and lay it out like you've laid it out here. My guess is that she'd rather hang out with her friends. Just give her the choice and it will be fine.

[Anonymous]

I would explain it like it is, and let her know she is welcome to join but she should know that aside from the food and relaxation, there is not much planned for your Thanksgiving. If she is as you describe, she will likely want to join you anyway.

It actually sort of sounds like our Thanksgiving, although there are more people involved in our case. We travel 3hrs to my SIL and they have 3 grown kids (our are teens). We plan one activity together for the Friday (museum for example), and bring a couple of movies to watch together. We eat a lot and nap and it is not that exciting for AP but all have enjoyed traveling to another state and living 'Thanksgiving' with us.

We have similar issues with lodging. We typically rent a hotel room for some members of the family (either AP + 1DC, or parents + 1 DC). We have also done one home swap using homeexchange.com (highly recommend if you are looking for low cost). Once we basically just hunkered down and all slept at SIL.

It's not ideal, and it always makes me a bit nervous to bring AP, but it always went well. I ask AP to make one side dish from her home country, and they usually love to.

[Anonymous]

I agree, lay it out the way you did here, emphasize the NO CAR thing (though in theory if she's in the hotel, she COULD leave you all at your relatives and take the car to the hotel - how many places would you be going anyway?? - BUT that would involve an amount of trust that might not be there yet).

Leave it up to her.

[Anonymous]

We host Thanksgiving at our house, and several times have had an AP left in town join us for T-day dinner. I would not stress this. Easily she has an AP friend who will invite her.

[Anonymous]

We are having thanksgiving at our cabin 2hrs away. We have an AP car and i pray to God she only wants to drive down for the day and then take the rest of the time off.It's also low key and dont really feel like being in the presence of someone staring at their phone for hours on end.