"Parents don't support being an AP" - red flag?
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Anonymous
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About to match with our 3rd AP. when we asked the standard question of "how does your family feel about you becoming an AP?" We got the answer "I'm doing this on my own. My parents don't want me stopping college." She declined to have us meet her family over Skype as well.
Personally, this doesn't bother me but I am wondering if I'm missing a red flag. Our 2 other APs have had supportive families and we even had a warm relationship with AP #1 mom. Am I missing something critical? |
Anonymous
| Don't blame her because her family is unsupportive. Good for her moving forward with the Au Pair experience. |
Anonymous
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I no longer speak with the families while interviewing, partly because I want to see that ap is independent and driving this process without too much influence from the parents. I also don't want to give the impression that we will become friends with the extended family. I did speak with the parent of AP1 and 2 but stopped afterwards once I realized that the warmer you get with the extended family, the relationship expectations seem to increase (communications, gifts, visits from abroad), which become demanding to manage as you get more and more au pairs (we had 8).
That said, I would be concerned about the lack of support from her family. She is clearly going against their wishes. Is she escaping anything? I'd want to prove more about the relationship... |
Anonymous
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I would be weary too. If she has a close relationship with her parents - and they don't agree. She could get convinced to come home early. Our first au pair left after 3 months because she was homesick, and her parents told her just to come home. We literally got 2 days notice - because they booked her on the next available flight - which I'm guessing was not cheap!
Our current au pair's family supports her being an au pair - even though they completely miss her. but when she has ever felt down - like when her grandmother died - they encourage her to stick it out, and keep her commitment to our family. which i'm totally grateful for because it could have gone the opposite direction. the thing we're struggling with now in matching with our next au pair - is the question of boyfriends. Anyone have any thoughts on that? I'm inclined not to match with a girl who has a boyfriend - because being an au pair is complicated enough with the added pressure of a boyfriend back home. |
Anonymous
Why not support her in going to the funeral? |
Anonymous
| Serious red flag. There are plenty out there whose family is supportive. |
Anonymous
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Why not support her in going to the funeral? I completely supported her going - but both she and her mom were worried that if she went back, she wouldn't want to come back. |
Anonymous
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Red flag for me.
But I had an au pair who's dad did not support her year here. Not good. |
Anonymous
Yes, in an AP with a close relationship with her parents, I'd be weary too. But not every AP is amazingly close to their parents. When I became an AP at 19, the relationship with my mom was strained (and that is putting it mild) and she didn't even know I had applied to the program. She knew I wanted to take a gap year after school and had looked at a couple of options (Action Reconciliation Service for Peace, Up with people, Voluntary social year) but she didn't know I applied to be an AP or had the interview. I didn't tell my father (my parents are divorced) until I had matched with a HF. But even if the AP's parents are supportive or the AP says they are supportive doesn't mean the won't splash out for a next day ticked if their little princess is unhappy where she is. I met a girl at my departure airport who had obviously grown up very sheltered. She was back home after a month, courtesy of mommy and daddy paying for her plane ticket, because she was unhappy (bad match) and homesick. Mom couldn't wait to have her little girl back. My mother would have told me to shove it and remember that I made a commitment. Both my mother and my father ended up being supportive of my decision. Morally and emotionally at least.
My grandma unexpectedly died four months into my year. My mother would have supported my flying home for the funeral as would my HF have. Still didn't do it. She was dead. There was nothing I could have done. Now if I could have flown home to say good bye that might have been different but as it was? I grieved and learned that adulting means you can grieve and work and keep a commitment you made.
I didn't have a boyfriend when I matched but did have a boyfriend on departure (we met a month before I left). I never thought about leaving for or because of him. We eventually broke up in college because the distance (three hours) proved to much long term. Five years later I became an AP again (not US, I studied languages and au pairing in the country of my target language was the cheapest option) and again, I would never have considered breaking the commitment I made to the family because of the boyfriend I had then. It really depends on the AP and her personality. And with some families matching earlier and earlier, it doesn't mean that the applicant you pick doesn't find a significant other in the ten or six or three months until her departure. Then what? Would you break the match if the AP told you she had found herself a boyfriend? Would you prefer an applicant to lie about having a boyfriend? On the other hand, if your AP is in a commited relationship in her home country, you won't have to worry about her finding a boyfriend in the US, spending more time with him than you(r children), getting pregnant, running off to get married, dating to find a guy to marry for a GC... or even if she has a boyfriend when you match, who says they will still be dating when she leaves? Things can happen, especially at 18/19/20 (and still at 23 or 26 or even 63 as I am just learning from a coworker). Maybe the supportive boyfriend suddenly isn't so supportive any more after his girlfriend has matched with a HF and it all becomes 'real'. Maybe the relationship she is in is less stable than it should be and becoming an AP is her way to walk away from it. Same as with supportive parents. You won't know until it's too late. |
Anonymous
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Deal breaker for me. My 1 rematch (out of 4) was with a girl whose mom didn't want her to go. Mom skyped her daily telling her she missed her. When AP got homesick and had a hard time in the beginning, mom swooped in to save her, saying you can come home at any time. Gave AP an easy out. AP didn't even last 2 months with us.
Now, I ask to talk to APs parents on skype, even for a minute, to introduce my self. Parents are very happy to meet me to get comfortable with where their daughter is going. One dad asked me to give a quick look at my kitchen and backyard- just wanted to make sure his daughter was going to a nice place. This helped because this AP was the most homesick of all, but she stuck with it and really grew during the year. It truly helps if all parties are committed on making the year work. |
Anonymous
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All but 1 of our (4) APs had boyfriends at home. Not one of them lasted past 3 months with the long distance relationship. I would not worry about it. Drama for a week or two but not bad.
In my experience, if i could i would ask and am more concerned about if they are on the pill and do they plan on bringing a year long supply with them. We had 2 go off it cold turkey when they ran out (and them trying to get a new Rx for it here is tough/not the same brand/levels/etc) and that was a TOTAL nightmare for a month or two as their hormones were totally out of whack and a lot of drama as their bodies adjusted. |
Anonymous
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I've had 8 au pairs, and our best have always had close, healthy (but not "dependent") relationships with their parents. The two who we rematched from both had strained relationships with their parents.
I don't think this is a coincidence. At best, the candidate is someone who has terrible/unreasonable parents who have told her they don't support her, but yet she is still a balanced, reasonable individual. Even in that rare case, isn't her perspective on home/family life likely to be skewed by her experiences? At a minimum, its deserving of a follow up question: "Why don't they support you, and how did you deal with/work through your differences?" |
Anonymous
Yep. I had six au pairs - four were successful and two returned home miserably homesick after a month. The two that returned home had overbearing and unsupportive parents that did not want them to be au pairs and who repeatedly assured them they could just come home whenever they wanted when it was hard and then paid for their plane tickets as soon as they said the word. Of the four that were successful, two had long-term boyfriends, but the boyfriends were supportive of their choices and encouraged them to have a great year. All four had supportive parents who weren't there to bail them out when it got hard. In fact, one of them came to us as a rematch from an awful family, and she wanted to come home, and her mom coached her through it - encouraging her to stick it out and try to find a better family. She did  and she was one of our best au pairs.
I would never ever choose someone who had unsupportive relationships at home. This is a really hard program. Having someone calling all the time begging them to come home will not end well. |
Anonymous
| God no. We extended with one of our au pairs whose mom didn't not support her staying for a second year, unbeknownst to us. Her Mom came to visit, spent a week at our house, told our au pair she was going to stop sending cash and paying for her degree if she didn't come home. Our au pair then quit 2 weeks before Christmas while my DH was working in a different city, and we were in the midst of moving. What was once a great relationship quickly soured as I pieced together childcare day-to-day so I could wrap up at work. I still cringe when I "cheerfully" set up Skype between her and my kids so they can keep in touch. On the upside, we wound up getting our best au pair ever to replace her. |