Tips on how to help new au pair

[Anonymous]

New au pair seems overwhelmed. The biggest issue I see is that she doesn't know how to intervene effectively if there is a problem. Instead, she will just keep saying "no" or "don't do that." Then she starts getting frustrated that the kids are ignoring her (age 2 and 4). She is super sweet and really wants to do a good job, so I'm trying to coach her, but she doesn't seem to have a natural sense with children. Of course I would like my children to do things if an adult asks, but it is not age appropriate to expect a 2 year old to listen all the time. I'm trying to direct her to move them to a new activity or actively intervene if there is an issue rather than wait for them to obey, but she doesn't seem to get this. Any tips on how I can help her out? I really want this to work out -- we had our last au pair for 2 years and I really prefer not to rematch, and I feel like if I rematch b/c she isn't a natural with kids I could just get another one who isn't a natural with kids, so my best bet is to train her more. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anyone? Do people think this is a workable situation?

[Anonymous]

Hard ages.
Hard to know if fixable unless I knew her experience and background. Does she have experience with this age group?

I had an au pair that would not intervene when my kids acted out/up and they are 8 and 10. She would not step in but she was a bit meek and had to be coached to do so.

Is it coachable, maybe. But it will take a while and you will need to micromanage it. Have any parenting books? Maybe she would read them to get some advice.

Only you know her background. Have you sat down separately and talked about it? Outside of the situation? Tell her your concerns?

[Anonymous]

I would be very direct and give concrete examples instead of abstract ones.
Instead of saying "Try something else if they don't listen" say "When they don't listen to 'no', offer to read a book" or "When you feel they are listening take away their toy" etc.

Ours is pretty natural with kids but still needed a bit of encouragement with how to handle situations. I told her if they fight over a toy they get 1 warning. If they still fight she is to take the toy away and say 'because you couldn't share, you cannot play with this today". It took 2 times of me doing it but she does it now and the kids are much better as they know she will follow through. She feels more confident knowing it is consistent with what we do and the kids respond well.

[Anonymous]

My thought - probably not coachable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to direct her to move them to a new activity or actively intervene if there is an issue rather than wait for them to obey, but she doesn't seem to get this. Any tips on how I can help her out? I really want this to work out -- we had our last au pair for 2 years and I really prefer not to rematch, and I feel like if I rematch b/c she isn't a natural with kids I could just get another one who isn't a natural with kids, so my best bet is to train her more. Thanks.

Which tools have you provided her with? What do you usually do if there is an issue? How long do you redirect? Do you go through specific activities when redirecting? What do you (want her to) do if redirecting doesn't help?
What have you done so far in terms of helping/training her?

I think it might be coachable.
Some APs just seem to naturally fall in line with their HF's parenting / discipline style, some don't. Not necessarily because they don't want to but because they have learned differently due to different background. Also a newborn and a 2-year old are a huge difference to a 2 and a 4 year old. Your last AP had a chance to grow into it before the walking/talking/fighting started. Also, what type of situations are we talking about? Not playing together nicely, touching a hot stove or hitting your sibling on the head with a chair would surely necessitate different levels of intervention.

If you haven't yet done so, I would suggest sitting down together on the weekend (could be tonight, could be later... depending on your respecitve schedules). Without the kids!
Tell her you felt she was overwhelmed in certain situations and you saw that she was struggeling. No blaming, no mentioning of her not being a natural with the kids, no comparing with previous au pair, no nothing, just stating what you have seen. Offer support, tell her you understand it's difficult in the beginning, ask her how similar situations would have been handled in her home country. Try to talk her trough those situations. What would you suggest she does. What would you have done. What would other options have been. What works with your children. Use examples. Offer tools and resolutions.

Pick a situation where you felt she was overwhelmed.
Say, kids were fighting over a book on Monday, AP tried telling them no and telling them no didn't do the trick.
From there you have two options. a) You tell her what she should have done instead of saying no or b) you tell her what she could have done after saying no didn't work.
Do you want her not to tell the kids no and redirect (where?) immediately? Or is saying no as a first step okay? Just for the 4 year old?

Don't only say "redirect" or "actively intervene", tell her which activities she can move them to to ease the situation. Provide her with a plan of action (write it down while talking to her or have her write it down!).
What kind of behaviour do you think requires redirection? How often may she redirect?
What do you consider "actively intervening"? Would that include physically removing one of the children from the situation? Or taking whatever the kids may be fighting over away?
What is her last resort (time out/naughty corner, time in/soothing etc.) and when do you think that should be made use of? Does bad behaviour have consequences (no dessert, no tv)? What tools does she have that she can work with if redirecting doesn't work?

Does she go down on eye level when giving directions to the kids? If not, tell her to do so.
Is she otherwise involved with the kids? Does she get down to play with them? Active? Creative?
Model behaviour while you are responsible for the kids. Exaggerate a bit if need be.
If you think it might work personalitywise, try to role play with her.
Pack her tool box and teach her how to appropriately use the tools in her box.

Has she ever been alone with the kids? Some APs will be more self-reliant if they don't feel watched (and judged) by a parent. Some of course will sink and drown...