Deciding To quit AP program

[Anonymous]

1st HM here. We are at the point when extensions/next year AP is coming up. We have only 1 kid. We have a decent AP, loves DC, does very little with kid even when activities are scheduled, bad driving, is an ok roommate, very sweet. I go above and beyond for AP; AP has no real rules or restrictions, very predictable schedule with no nights or weekends etc. --not sure it's appreciated - did get a comment about "not going to Hawaii on vacation or having a suite" like her friends (I haven't been on vacation in 4 years, so no not going on a fancy one now when money is tighter; AP has private room/bathroom).

I can honestly say it's been really hard on us hosting. We just don't think another year of being parents to toddler and a teen is doable.

Not 100% sure we should quit program or if it's just this AP?

Pros: no daycare drop off; DC rarely gets sick; DC/AP love each other dearly; safety (when not driving), weekly pay is manageable

Cons: less hours than really needed (an extra hour would be so helpful); ancillary expenses are insane; limited social interaction with other kids; privacy; driving; constantly leaving work due to AP commitments; my house looks like a bomb went off; strain in marriage (DH isn't a fan)

Quit or try new AP?

[Anonymous]

I think there are two problems here: first, you don't have a great AP (safe driving is an absolute necessity, and she also isn't doing her job if she's not cleaning up after your child) and second, you haven't done a good job of setting rules and expectations.

I think some of your cons are more than legitimate reasons to leave the program if it's just not for you. If you do decide to stay with the program, you need to do a better job of screening next time (prioritize driving!) and making sure when she gets here that she actually has the skills you screened for (driving!).

You also need to do a better job of setting rules, restrictions, and hours. For example, if you're not using all 45 hours -- then set a schedule that uses them. You should not be leaving work early to enable your AP to go out -- you should be setting the hours you need for work and then AP can work around those hours to make her evening and weekend plans. If you're already at your 45 hours, then unfortunately you need to go outside the program to have an occasional babysitter (or maybe a house cleaning service if you can afford it?) but the first step is to make sure you're scheduling the AP for her 45 hours. You need to make sure you set up rules and expectations about what the house should look like -- the AP shouldn't be doing housecleaning but she should absolutely be responsible for cleaning up (and teaching your dc to clean up) from playtime, kid's meal time, etc.

It's also not too late for this year to sit down and have a reset conversation about what you need her to do on her working hours such as the cleaning up kid messes. And if you're not using all her hours, then sit down, revise the schedule, and use them.

If taking those steps wouldn't solve your overall issues with having an AP, then it's time to look into alternate care arrangements, but if you think some of the issues are fixable, then try fixing them.

[Anonymous]

Is this your first? I'm guess it is.

I set VERY VERY clear expectations up front. When I first reach out to a prospect, I send a 2 page list of COMPREHENSIVE duties both working and as a housemate. It includes hours and responsibilities and the checklists I require the AP to hit on a daily or weekly basis. I sent this before we even speak a word. If we are not a good family for the AP, then I'm happy to have them pass up front.

I then send another document that outline what "kind" of person would fit into our family and what to expect. I'm CRYSTAL clear that if the AP intends to travel that it is best that they make their own travel plans. I tell them that I'm looking for someone independent who will make travel buddies. I tell them that our jobs are busy, and time off is limited and when we do travel the travel is centered around what a 7&10yr old want to do. It involves places and activities that will enrich our school aged children and that any prospective AP might be bored. I also state verbatim that I am not the APs personal travel guide or entertainer.

I learned this the hard way after our first AP. Now we are all on the same page. Once the AP arrives, I go over these documents line by line, in person.

I've been told by our LCC that we are the most straight forward house family she has ever had and that if everyone did what we did, there would be many fewer conflicts or rematches. I adhere to the I Dare You To Match With Us philosophy.

About Hawaii, I'd probably say something exactly like this: "you seem to be interested in living with a family who will take you on extravagant vacations. We are not that family, and I wish you had told me up front that you wanted to live with that sort of family. If you are interested in rematch, please let me know now. I think you are a great AP and I think that any family would be lucky to have you. However, I need someone who is committed out our family and who makes their own travel plans. If you are not committed and not willing to make your own travel dreams come true, then we can work together to find you a new family and I can find someone who is happy with this set up. I don't want you to be unhappy because I think you are a great AuPair with a lot of wonderful qualities. Thoughts?"

I had to have a similar conversation with our first AP and she made a 180. It scared the shit out of her. WE ended up having a great year and she is coming to visit this August.

[Anonymous]

We have had this discussion many times. Our youngest will go into kindergarten in 2017, oldest will be in 2nd grade and we are debating if this our last AP (she arrives next month). We are locked in for 1 more year.
Average AP or good AP (we have had 3, going on 4th - none have been a Marry Poppins situation) it is a lot of work and big commitment. Our AP has her own car, she flies with us on vacations (Disney/Mexico), etc. Regardless of what you do for them, it has been our experience it is normally not enough.

If it were for one child nanny share or daycare is probably what I would do.

We have a large home, cleaned every week by a service - and adding that extra person who is average at best at maintaining the home with our two children has bomb like result about 30 minutes after the cleaning crew finishes. You are not experiencing anything abnormal.

That being said, having care for sick days, snow days, after thanksgiving dinner and stuff like that is pretty valuable.

[Anonymous]

Choose an older au pair. Not a guarantee of course but helps. All of my au pairs have been very mature.

Don't advertise your cushy job and low hours.

Bottom line, I think it is too soon to give up on the AP program. Learn from your Mistakes and choose wiser.

Good luck. There are some good AP candidates right now.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Adding that having your house a mess is crazy. Put your foot down. She needs to do all childcare tasks.

And stop scheduling your life around your APs schedule.

Manage manage manage. I find that APs really respond to good and FAIR management, just like other young adults in the workforce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can honestly say it's been really hard on us hosting. We just don't think another year of being parents to toddler and a teen is doable.

Then don't. Be a parent to a toddler and an employer to a teen.
The au pair should be working for you and not you for her - also, your current au pair is not decent. She is mediocre at best. If loving your baby and being sweet is all you can come up with on the plus side that is not enough.

I pretty much agree with PPs in that you have been approaching this wrong.

loves DC

which should be a minimum requirement...

does very little with kid even when activities are scheduled [...] limited social interaction with other kids

she should, it's her job, if she doesn't, you make her, if she still won't she isn't fulfilling her duties and needs to rematch. actually doing activities with your child would also improve the limited social interaction your child is getting.

bad driving [...] safety (when not driving)

not a big deal if you don't need her to drive, if driving is part of her job she needs to improve (practice, take classes) or rematch. especially if her driving is so bad that you worry about their safety when driving

is an ok roommate[...] my house looks like a bomb went off

being an "okay" roommate, again, should be a minimum requirement BUT if your house looks like a bomb went off, she is NOT and ok roommate. ok roommates pick up after themselves (and your child if that is part of their job)

very sweet

which is a plus? although it seems by being very sweet she has managed to twist you around her finger...

AP has no real rules or restrictions

which was a mistake; with sensible rules and restrictions you might have ended up in a situation that actually helps you and not stresses you out more

very predictable schedule with no nights or weekends etc. --not sure it's appreciated - did get a comment about "not going to Hawaii on vacation or having a suite" like her friends

predictable schedule is great! ...but no, she doesn't appreciate it, to her this is the standard, not a plus. if she wants to go to Hawaii she has two weeks of vacation and a travel month. it is not your responsibility to take your ap on expensive vacations especially not if you are not going on any yourself.

constantly leaving work due to AP commitments

no. nonono. your ap should have commitments outside of your (and her) working hours, especially if she is on a predictable schedule! caring for your baby is her job. unless it's an emergency you do not schedule "commitments" during working hours.

I am sorry but from what you are telling, you simply have a bad au pair. And you probably ended up with a bad au pair because you were inexperienced when you matched and matched for "sweet" rather than "good au pair."
She can't drive, she doesn't clean up behind herself, she doesn't clean up behind your child, she doesn't attend scheduled activities, she doesn't provide your child with social interactions, she complains about what she has and she doesn't take the job aspect of the gig seriously. You have been to lax and she has been abusing the privileges she has.

Put your foot down now.
Set clear expectations and stricter rules - she has to do her job. That means she has to take your child to scheduled activities. She cannot schedule commitments during her predictable (!) working hours. She has to pick up after herself and the child as part of her job and as part of being a decent roommate. Are you scared she will run off and leave you without childcare if you make her do her job? If you feel you can't set your expectations alone, get your LCC involved. As for a mediation meeting. Write a list on what is working out well (if you can come up with more than "sweet" and "loves dc") and what is not. Make sure that what you are requesting is within the program regulations (working hours, time off etc.). And ask her to do her job! She is not on a 12-months vacation.

This will not solve "less hours than really needed (an extra hour would be so helpful)" (if you are already scheduling 10 hrs/day or 45 hrs/week this cannot be changed if you don't... do!), "ancillary expenses are insane" or "privacy." Also think about if DH is not a fan because he doesn't like your current AP (which really? from what you are telling I understand) or the concept of having an AP (lack of privacy) in general. I think you might want to give it another try but you should really work on the situation you have now. Especially if it's putting strain on you and your marriage.

[Anonymous]

I don't think its worth it if you only have one kid.

[Anonymous]

definitely not financially worth it for one kid IMHO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:definitely not financially worth it for one kid IMHO

But still much cheaper if the alternative is a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:definitely not financially worth it for one kid IMHO

But still much cheaper if the alternative is a nanny.

Agreed (I'm the parent of a school aged only child). Plus flexibility is much greater with an AP than with a nanny (or other options), which is true whether you have one child or 5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:definitely not financially worth it for one kid IMHO

Not everyone makes childcare decisions based on cost.

I have an AP who works 20hrs a week in the school year and 15-45hrs in thr summer. I could find much cheaper options. Price is low in the decision making process.

Many people who have APS are even SAHMs.

[Anonymous]

This is definitely not a good AP. Once you've had a good AP, you'll look back and wonder why you ever put up with this for any length of time.

You can definitely interview for a strong driver - there are great suggestions on earlier threads here and on aupairmom.com for specific questions to assess this.

We are a family who usually takes our APs to one great destination, along the lines of Hawaii, and I can promise you that all HFs are not taking their APs to Hawaii. She's feeding you a line. It's much more common for HFs to either encourage APs to make their own plans or to take them on more modest vacations.

With your concerns, and given the fact that your DH doesn't care for the program, a nanny might be a better choice. It's more expensive, but if you're only going to have one child then perhaps you can get a nanny just until kindergarten. Then you're done.

[Anonymous]

You have a shitty AP. A better AP would be a world of difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a shitty AP. A better AP would be a world of difference.

This.