Can two introvert parents successfully tolerate au pair?

[Anonymous]

We are at a point where an au pair makes a lot of sense for our family, but my spouse and
I are both at least somewhat introverted. Husband needs time alone to decompress. I also need time and space to just relax once kids are in bed. Could we survive an au pair? I'd love to host someone who is extremely independent, but think I'd lose my mind if we had to do a lot of hand holding. Is there any hope for two introverted adults and an au pair?

How do couples manage to have alone time to hang out and talk when an au pair is around?

I really think an au pair would be great for lots of reasons, but I'm nervous about having another person to deal with in the house.

[Anonymous]

Don't get an AP. She doesn't cease to exist when she's off the clock. You are responsible for providing her with a cultural experience. If you're doing this solely for childcare, you're going to have a bad time.

[Anonymous]

No. This is a bad idea and not a good fit for your personalities. Don't do it, you'll all be miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't get an AP. She doesn't cease to exist when she's off the clock. You are responsible for providing her with a cultural experience. If you're doing this solely for childcare, you're going to have a bad time.

Child care plus exposing kids to another culture. Happy to take her out and about to things we do (which are mostly kid centric). Can't tolerate idea of having to handhold like crazy. I need to know if there is still room for personal space or if it's like having a clingy girlfriend with you all the time. That sounds terrible but I don't mean to be a jerk about it. I'm just curious if there is hope for an engaged but independent au pair who isn't looking to be extensively mothered during her stay.

[Anonymous]

You really shouldn't get an au pair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really shouldn't get an au pair.

A little analysis would be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't get an AP. She doesn't cease to exist when she's off the clock. You are responsible for providing her with a cultural experience. If you're doing this solely for childcare, you're going to have a bad time.

Child care plus exposing kids to another culture. Happy to take her out and about to things we do (which are mostly kid centric). Can't tolerate idea of having to handhold like crazy. I need to know if there is still room for personal space or if it's like having a clingy girlfriend with you all the time. That sounds terrible but I don't mean to be a jerk about it. I'm just curious if there is hope for an engaged but independent au pair who isn't looking to be extensively mothered during her stay.

There's always the chance you may have to handhold. You just don't know. You are welcoming a young adult into your home. There is a certain level of "handholding" and guidance involved in this type of relationship. You should consider another arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't get an AP. She doesn't cease to exist when she's off the clock. You are responsible for providing her with a cultural experience. If you're doing this solely for childcare, you're going to have a bad time.

Child care plus exposing kids to another culture. Happy to take her out and about to things we do (which are mostly kid centric). Can't tolerate idea of having to handhold like crazy. I need to know if there is still room for personal space or if it's like having a clingy girlfriend with you all the time. That sounds terrible but I don't mean to be a jerk about it. I'm just curious if there is hope for an engaged but independent au pair who isn't looking to be extensively mothered during her stay.

I meant that you have to participate in providing her with a cultural experience, not just your kids. This is about the AP too. Don't get an AP.

[Anonymous]

If your entering the program and using the word "tolerate" as your thoughts on a best possible relationship with your au pair you should not be host parents. Host parents are more than employers they are what the term implies .....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could we survive an au pair? I'd love to host someone who is extremely independent, but think I'd lose my mind if we had to do a lot of hand holding. Is there any hope for two introverted adults and an au pair?
How do couples manage to have alone time to hang out and talk when an au pair is around?

exAP here

I aupaired in Norway after my time in the US, where "intoverted" is part of the culture, or so it seems
From the AP side - yes, APs can live with 'introverted' host parents. Introverted APs will also need their me-time to recharge their batteries just as you do. Extroverted APs will not usually expect their HPs to join them for activities but will build their own circle of friends and be out and about in their free time.

However, every AP will need a bit of hand holding, especially in the beginning.
Your AP will need support with getting everything set up in the first week or so (bank account, driving license, social security, college). Your AP will need support in finding her way around your area. Somebody will need to spend time with her to train her for the job. Unless you can outsource that (to grandma or next door neighbour or nanny) she will be somewhat stuck to your hip for the first few days or weeks. Depending on where you are and how many APs there are in your area she might need a bit of time to find friends, as long as she hasn't set up a social life you can expect her to hang around the house more.

Even when she has found friends and has started taking classes, your AP will be around in the evenings. You are inviting her to live in your home so your home also becomes her home. Would it be a problem for you if she was home two evenings a week? Either in her room or sitting on your living room couch, watching a movie with you? You won't have to entertain her constantly, but you have to expect her to just be around.

Will you be able to pretend to be more than tolerating while she is getting settled and finds her new normal? Can you be welcoming and still find your time to unwind?

Where does your tolerance for hand holding end?
My grandma died when I was in the US. I did need a bit of hand holding (or maybe rather a bit of compassion) after that. I did spend quite a bit more time with my host family for a couple of weeks after that because I was grieving and didn't feel like going out as much as I did before.
When my best friend, whom I had previously spent most of my time with, went back home in my 7th months, I did spend a bit more time at home in the evenings before I managed to rebuild my social life. It's not that I didn't have other friends but they had different schedules and we had to rearrange things that had previously just fallen in place.
Would you already consider having your AP around for family activities, even if they are kid centric, hand holding? Would you mind if she joined you to the zoo on Saturday? Would you mind if she came to softball practice with you? If she came to church with you? If she wanted to tag along when you go grocery shopping? Would you mind having her around, just being there?
Can you make polite conversation at the dinner table when she is joining you for dinner? Would you be willing to accept that she might be around for dinner every single night of her stay (unlikely... but possible)?

Would you be willing to offer a bit of extra hand holding in the beginning to get her out of the house?
Sign her up for evening ESL classes (even if they don't count towards her credits)? Sign her up for evening classes at the gym? Clubs? Church? Choir? Introduce her to your next door neighbor's college age daughter? Will you offer a car or access to public transportation (and pay for said transportation) so that your AP can be out and about?

Would you be willing to change your habits?
If you say you need time and space to relax and alone time to decompress, could you move your "space" to your bedroom from the living room? Can you (or DH) decompress in front of the computer in your office instead of reading at the kitchen table? If you hang out in a "shared space" (kitchen, family room, living room) it's very likely that your AP will talk to you when she is around but it's very unlikely that she will start following you into the master bedroom if you take a bath to relax. I am quite introverted and married to an extrovert... we have made arrangements so that this works out for both of us. This arrangement includes me hiding in the bedroom playing candy crush for half an hour after coming home from work because that is what my introversion needs to make me more fun to be around the rest of the evening. And though I am introverted and have always been, I was still out and about at least five nights a week in the US (classes, movies, dinner with friends, going to the library, shopping, weekend trips, birthday parties etc.). If I was home, my HP's would have barely noticed as I would mostly have been quitely sitting in a corner reading or might have been in the playroom together with the kids, watching a movie. I might have hung out in the living room together with my HP's maybe once a month or so.

Would you mind if she was away every night? Would you mind if she came home late? She might wake you, just by opening and closing doors or by taking a shower at 1 am... would you mind that?

22:36 is right, an AP doesn't cease to exist after work. And yes, you are responsible for providing her with a culturaly experience. However, your AP is still an adult with their own social life. She will not (or: should not) be around 24/7, expecting you to entertain her - if you screen and match accordingly. She would still expect you to invite her for family activities - your 1st grader's dance recital, your 3rd grader's soft ball game, Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas, kids' birthdays, weekend trips to the amusement park, a local MLB game if you take the kids. And you could (or should) not ignore things like her birthday. Can you treat her as you want a HF to treat your child?

Maybe, as a try out period, see if any agency offers an extension AP that wants to stay in your area? She'd already be set up with friends and a social life... so possibly less hand holding. (Of course if she has a boyfriend in the area that might come with a whole new set of hand holding if they broke up...) Or start with a rematch AP (if any are available that suit your needs and requirements) for 3 or 6 or 8 months?

[Anonymous]

Yes, it is possible for you to successfully host an AP. Don’t let people tell you you are a bad host for understand your own personalities and wanted to make sure you have a compatible arrangement. DH and I are not introverted by any means, but we work really long days and appreciate some peace when we come home. I think with the right set up/planning you can make it work. Here are a few considerations:

1. Your physical arrangement. Your AP room should be private. If you find yourself sharing a bath (or even sharing a floor), it might be too close for comfort for you. Also, how is your house set up for entertainment? We have a TV in our bedroom, where I retire after dinner for a little peace and quiet. So AP can hang out in the family room and watch TV or use the computer and we still both have our privacy. Alternatively, you may want to set up a tv in AP’s room.
2. Your schedule. We personally have AP work during dinner so we can spend time together with AP as a family. But once dinner is over, we retire upstairs, I feel like it gives us both time together and alone. Depending on how old your kids are, you may want to have a similar approach, or have AP prepare and feed the kids before you come home. Some families also relieve AP as soon as they arrive so she is free to do what she wants at this time. Depending on the kind of AP you fall on, you may end up eating alone with DH. Also consider if you will need hours on the weekends. The more time off on weekend, the more likely your AP will be away from home. Most of our APs took advantage of consecutive days off to go on longer outings, and often sleep away on weekend. It offered us time to refresh away from one another, which is always good for the relationship.
3. AP’s personality. I would be careful about finding the right fit. And don’t think that because you are introvert, you should get an introvert. From my personal experience, the introverted APs are the ones who go out less and spend more time at home. In your case, you may want to find a more social and extraverted AP who will quickly make friends and spend more time out of the house.

Despite all this, I agree with some of the comments posted above. Once you set up your space and schedule to establish a relationship that will work for you, it is also essential to make time to build a relationship with AP. For us, it’s primarily during dinners, but also some weekend activities when our schedule sync up. Don’t put the exchange part of the program by the wayside…

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised by the responses you're getting. I'm rather introverted, and once I get the kids down for bed, I am not up for late night socializing with AP and it is not an issue at all. Both of our APs have wanted their own time to do things - call family & friends back home, go to the gym, meet up with friends, study for class, apply for whatever programs they're hoping to get into back home after the year is over, etc etc etc.

Here's a typical week for us:
M-Th, AP works 10 hrs/day. When I get home and do the hand off, we quickly check in on plans for the evening. Most nights, AP will be home & eat with us. Some nights she'll have plans. Then she goes off to her room and either joins us for dinner to proceeds with her evening.

On Fridays, AP usually sleeps half the day, might join us for one meal.

Saturday & Sunday - AP tends to join us half the meals over the weekend, might join us for grocery shopping, and will definitely join us for a trip into town and any weekend road trips. If she doesn't have any social plans, she's likely to sit & chat with us for an hour at some point over the weekend. With one of the APs, I used to invite her to join me for manicures because I enjoyed her company and we had similar interests. New AP isn't into that stuff and has more of her own friends, so she's out & about, not around often enough for me to invite her to the salon.

As you can see, the total amount of time spent socializing with AP is not huge. She's part of the family in the sense that she's welcome to join in any family activities, but she's also free to opt out, which she does for at least half the time. There's very little one-on-one hand-holding once you get settled in. There will be a lot of errands in the beginning - getting her a bank account, SSN, registered at the local community college, a local DL, and showing her around the neighborhood, but that's just the beginning - it's not for the whole year.

[Anonymous]

One thought might be to look for an extension au pair - NOT a rematch - an extension would have already been in the US for a year with a different host family. Rematches can be great too, but I wouldn't take a rematch as a FIRST au pair.

There would be less handholding because she can "hit the ground running" and has already been here a year. But I do agree with the points the former au pair made above.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks PPs who posted the thoughtful and thorough responses. We are seriously considering this option and I want to be comfortable that we wouldn't be setting everyone up for a year of misery.

Random question: say we had a family vacation planned well ahead of au pair arrival or signing up for program, and to accomodate au pair would be close to doubling cost of trip (careful planning, lots of effort to get costs down). Would we have to either double our trip cost or just not go, or could we let au pair have the week off but not take her given that it would be a huge change in costs and plans?

[Anonymous]

I am an introvert and had trouble hosting AP's, but for different reasons than you expect. As an introvert, I like to have close relationships with a few people, and I don't have a lot of tolerance for small talk. I absolutely expected my AP to become one of those people. I was looking forward to dinner conversations where we talked about what had happened with my children , what she thought about America, her own family, etc. it simply was not like that. Instead, our conversations were filled with things like politics or the weather and some logistics. I found it all extremely painful.
My suggestion to you is to screen carefully, find someone who speaks English well, and find someone you "click" with. Living in the same household with someone I do not have a personal and meaningful relationship with was very difficult.