I think I want AP to leave, but for what reason?
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Anonymous
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I'm not sure what to do in this situation, or how to handle it, so I'd love some advice.
AP has been with us for 6 months. On a scale from 1 to 10, we'd give her a solid "5" in performance, because we feel very neutral about her. She gets her job done and she does what we ask. But she has never really bonded with us as a family, and she has not bonded enough with our children for me to give her a higher rating. Our kids seem to like her okay, but I constantly hear from them (they are 2 and 5) that they don't want AP around, they don't want AP to play with them, they don't like AP, etc. This past weekend, AP came to my daughter's birthday party, and my daughter (who was otherwise having the time of her life) kept whispering to me that she didn't want AP there, and asking me why I invited AP. She was visibly upset that AP attended her birthday party. My husband and I have noticed things like AP does not seem to pitch in or act like she is a part of the family during her time off. For instance, when she showed up to my daughter's party this weekend, she didn't offer to help me pass out cake, or load up the car with the gifts. She just stood around until we had break where she could ask to use the car for the rest of the day. When she comes on family trips with us and she's on her time off, she doesn't pitch in with family activities, such as she doesn't do her own dishes during family meal times, has us or my family wait on her, doesn't try to make any conversation, doesn't ask our kids any questions and so forth. During a normal weekend when she's off duty, she spends the entire weekend away from our house and spends the night with friends. Don't get me wrong- I don't want or expect her to be around all the time. But if we include in her special family events, or if she decides that she wants to hang around us during her time off, it just seems clear that there is a bond lacking with both our children and our family. Also of note, I recently quit my job, and I am also pregnant. I have been around the house a lot more lately, so I've had a lot more spare time to observe her. I know it must be really hard to do your job while your boss is around, so I have kept that in mind. But I would think with me being around, AP would try to step things up a bit. But what I'm noticing is that she rarely talks to my kids. She doesn't come up with anything interesting for them to do. Every day it's the same routine- an hour of TV, a few hours her watching the kids play, all while she just sits there and doesn't engage or talk to them. We have a baby monitor that she turns around to face the wall while she's in a room "playing" with my kids, so my guess is that she's sitting on her phone while the kids entertain themselves. Because even though I can't see, I can hear, and there is NO talking going on. No interaction whatsoever. We had a talk with AP last week, and I made a list of all of my concerns. I also asked her to tell me her concerns. I told her it hurts me when I hear my kids tell her that they don't like her to her face and tell her to go away. It hurts me for her because I know that must not make her feel bonded with the kids, and it must really hurt her feelings, especially living in a foreign country with people you don't know all that well. But I also told her it makes me hurt for my kids, because I don't know why they are saying those things to her, and I want to respect the feelings of my kids. When we asked her why she thought the kids were saying those kind of things to her, she said she just thinks it's the kids' personalities, and she doesn't take it personally. She said we are the best family she could have ever hoped for, and she is so lucky to have us. And she said she truly feels everything is fine. But this left an aching in my heart, because I know everything is not fine if my kids keep telling me they don't like her and don't want her around. I know something is off because, I too, feel uncomfortable around her. But what do you do when it's not working for you, but the AP thinks they are having an easy and fabulous experience? (I also talked to LCC about this, and LCC said AP says nothing but wonderful things about us and her experience here). I don't want to give the impression AP is a bad person or terrible. Again, she gets the very basics of her job done. She cleans up after herself. She's not in the way, she doesn't make huge messes or cause any extra trouble. We've had a couple of bumps that we've gotten resolved. But the bottom line is, she's just okay. I don't know how to get her to talk and engage more with my kids, because we've already told her to do this, and it's still not happening. I honestly think she might be a better fit for another family, because I think it is just a misfit for our family overall, but not enough where there's some glaring red light where I know for sure we should ask for her to be rematched. We have talked about this issue with other host families, as well as our families who were just here this weekend for our daughter's birthday. Sadly, the feedback we keep getting is that AP seems perfectly happy and content, but we are really indifferent to her and it could be SO much better, so we should either rematch or drop out of the AP program all together. Our families seem to think she's really aloof and all about herself, and they don't think she jives well with our family either. The grandparents also were very upset at our daughter's reaction to AP showing up at her party. So it boils down to: 1) Do we put up with her for another 6 months since the job is getting done and because she says that everything is going to well on her end? I feel so guilty because our experience is just so-so, but apparently her experience is wonderful; or 2) Do we start the conversation with our LCC that we want her to leave because she's just doing "okay"? Can we even ask her to leave because she's just doing "okay"? And do we ask the AP agency to rematch for these reasons; or 3) Do we take the nicer route and tell the LCC and AP that our family situation has changed, so we no longer need this level of help and ask to have AP placed with another family due these changed circumstances, with the promise to give AP a good reference; or 4) Do we lay is all down on the line and tell our LCC that AP is just "okay", has not bonded with the kids, that the kids don't like her, AND our family situation has changed, so we need to place her somewhere else. I am (obviously) not a confrontational person, and I don't like uncomfortable situations. So I am more inclined to go with option 3, unless anyone has compelling reasons to go with another options, or has some other tips. ALso, we are with Cultural Care Au Pair. If anyone has rematch experience with CCAP specifically (as to what to expect, are there fees for rematching, etc.) I would love to hear. |
Anonymous
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What did your older daughter have to say about why she didn't want the AP there? Why doesn't she like AP? How does your 2 yo respond to AP?
To me, that's the most important factor here in how you should proceed, because either you've got a case of a child being disrespectful with a so-so- but not bad - AP or you've got an AP who has earned the dislike of your children and I think you need to listen to that. There are bad childcare providers out there in the world - your children won't tell you the details of why they dislike your AP unless you make it clear that you want to know and you'll believe them when they tell you. Perhaps AP has done nothing egregious, but just doesn't have the personality to work with your kids - or perhaps, the AP has done and is doing something that your 5 yo is right in finding distasteful. Or, perhaps, your child is just being disrespectful because she'd rather have you there instead of AP. You have to find out what you're dealing with. |
Anonymous
| OP here: I have wondered if it's merely a preference of having me there versus the AP, but that wouldn't account for how my daughter reacted to AP attending her birthday. When I asked my daughter why she didn't want AP there, I get short answers like "AP's is mean". My sense is that my daughter does not like her because AP sits in silence watching my daughter play without really engaging. |
Anonymous
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Op, it is a major red flag that your children are voicing these feelings. Kids are very resilient and IMO love everyone unless there is a really good reason not to. Think of all the bad AP experiences that many people convey on this board, but most do say that their kids really like the AP.
Just my two cents. I actually have the opposite problem. My AP doesn't get her child care tasks done and doesn't like to discipline, but she plays endlessly with my kids and seems to enjoy it (like she is a kid too). |
Anonymous
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Hi OP - Thought it might help to hear some advice from someone who pushed through a full year with an AP that sounded very similar to your situation. From an outside perspective, what you're doing here is choosing your AP's feelings and your preference for avoiding conflict over your children's happiness and needs. Been there done that. Your children are not happy, they are repeatedly expressing that you are leaving them with someone who obviously doesn't like them. The very fact that she turns around the monitor is reason enough for me that she is not doing her job and knows it.
Please do not continue this year. I know it's easier to just go along with it and be miserable for six months, but it will have long-lasting implications, trust me. You will be miserable, your children will be spending a significant portion of their lives with someone who obviously would rather do anything other than engage with them. My marriage even suffered because we were all so miserable. You are not happy. Your kids aren't happy. Doesn't sound like your AP is that happy either. Just end it. Don't be swayed. Give her a fine review so that she can hopefully continue out her year elsewhere. You will feel like a giant weight has lifted when she leaves your home. I promise. I still feel like I have PTSD from that year. |
Anonymous
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I agree with all of the above. If your kids are otherwise well behaved and get along pretty much with everyone, there's a reason why they don't like your ap. I would also not stand for her turning the baby monitor around.
Move on, OP. This ap is bringing no joy to your life and, in fact, is bringing negativity. |
Anonymous
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OP, I read this posting this morning, but didn't have time to respond until now. 17:21 and the others pretty much summed up what I was going to write. Please don't choose your own comfort at avoiding confrontation over your children's happiness and well-being. If your child had said no to AP when it meant you were leaving her, that would be one thing, but no to AP when you're there? That is her voting her disapproval. You don't like AP and don't think Ap is doing a good job. Your children don't like AP and don't think she is doing a good job. Why do you care whether she likes you? This is the last thing you should be worried about given your own concerns and your children's voiced concerns. I'm a longtime HM, and I would not be tolerating an AP who just SAT THERE and didn't engage my children for more than a day or two.
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Anonymous
| OP here: Thanks everyone. I think you all are correct- I need to make a move for the benefit of my kids. What type of financial ramifications am I looking at to rematch or leave the program? My husband is very upset is like to rematch or not have an AP at all, since we paid the $8k fee upfront. |
Anonymous
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In your situation I would do number 3 if your proposed options. She is not a bad AP, just not a fit
for your family, especially given your 5 yo's concerns. Just tell any prospective hfs she is solid but don't go crazy singing her praises. She sounds like she could be functional-to-good (maybe not a rockstar, though) in another family. Parting ways can be a good thing for all of you and is NOT failure. |
Anonymous
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Tell your LCC you haven't managed to bond with AP, AP hasn't managed to bond with the children and you don't think it's a good fit. That should be a good enough reason for rematch.
She might be a better fit in another family, maybe with older children where she doesn't have to entertain but can get through as a "taxi driver"... I'd second 21:07 in that she might be a functional-to-good AP in another family. |
Anonymous
Hi OP, I think there's a missing word or two here about your husband's concern - what was that? In general, if you leave the AP program all together, you're forfeiting the program fee. For that reason alone, I think it's worth looking at the rematch pool and seeing if anyone looks promising. I know you've had this awful experience and you're hesitant to begin all over again, but I promise you not all AP's are like this. In fact, most aren't. Your odds of having a better experience with a new AP are good. I wouldn't completely rule it out before even seeing who's in the pool. In terms of financial ramifications while in rematch - the simplest and cheapest scenario is that you have your current AP work while in rematch and you luck out to find a new AP who can come within a week or so of your old AP taking off. But the reality is that it can take longer to find a new rematch AP, or you may simply choose to wait for a new AP from out of country to join you, in which case you'll need to find several weeks of short-term care. How expensive that is depends on things like - does your work or your husband's include back-up care options? Does the 5 yo attend a school with aftercare that you can opt into for a couple weeks without signing up for the year? If the answer to all that is no, then you're hiring a short-term nanny, which we've done before at the low end of the pay scale and even that was $700/week. A lot of employers do actually offer back-up care but don't widely advertise it. I get 15 subsidized days per year, plus unlimited non-subsidized days (ie - I can still access the placement agency that will send a short-term nanny to my house). My husband's work has a back-up daycare center at his work and has 20 subsidized days per year. My older child's school allows us to pay for aftercare by the week, so we could utilize the daycare center for the younger one & aftercare for the older one. That, plus spring break is coming up and there are plenty of spring break "camps" that we could utilize to patch a childcare gap if we needed - just a thought OP. Maybe spring break is a good time to break it off? |
Anonymous
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OP, you can also freeze your participation in the program and come back after your baby is born and you're ready to go back to work. That is another option. Given that you're pregnant, if the baby is due anytime soon, you might have trouble finding a rematch AP, because the pool for IQ rematches is pretty small (and in my experience, the pool for IQ rematches who can also drive is basically non-existent). We also got a dud in our first year. We ended up freezing our participation at five months, when we rematched, and came back six months later. We got the most amazing AP from out of country who was BRILLIANT at caring for my two children (then 4 and 2) and also also a lovely housemate. We keep in close touch with her to this day - she lives near us as she married an American - and she is a now a teacher at a very well-regarded Montessori school. We were so lucky to get her as our AP.
TO confirm what PP said, there is no penalty to rematch provided you stay in the program. If you do, then you freeze where you are (i.e. the number of weeks you have used) and just apply the remaining weeks to your next AP. This could mean a credit, if you pick a rematch who has less time on her contract than your AP did or it could mean you pay a bit more if the AP you pick from rematch has more time left. If you leave the program all together, there are penalties that rise the longer you've been in the program. I believe at 6 months you lose everything. You can ask your regional director for a breakdown - they are very precise in our experience (we rematched twice two years ago, once when our AP tore his ACL and had to go home and the second time when our rematch crashed the car twice in one week). Good luck with your decision - I really think you got a dud AP and as I wrote above, your AP wouldn't have lasted with our family more than a couple of days in her current state of non-engagement. |
Anonymous
Absolutely agree. I too should have re-matched with a former AP who did not bond with my child. My child is a bit older than yours, and I had my head in the sand for too long about just how much they didn't bond -- my daughter didn't tell me until near the end of the year that she always felt like the AP didn't like her. Standing back and thinking objectively after that, I could see exactly why she thought that, and frankly, after opening my eyes about the whole thing I believed that the AP actually did not like my daughter. When I realized that I had subjected my child to a year of that, It broke my heart. The next AP was amazing but the first few months, my daughter had resistance/hesitance to warm up (since I think she had developed some low self esteem and anxiety about the whole AP thing thanks to the non-bonding AP). After the wall came down, I could see a change in my daughter. She was her normal happy bubbly self again. When working from home, you should be hearing laughter and playfulness coming from downstairs. Not silence. Your kids need interaction and stimulation. They are getting a cold shoulder and they know it. For the sake of your kids, rematch. Be honest about the reasons (the agency will likely sugarcoat it of course) and perhaps suggest that she might be better with older kids who need less interaction. Also, I would venture to say that of course she's happy with you. From the sounds of it, she's spending her day on the phone texting with friends instead of working and engaging her host kids. She's coasting and she probably knows it. |
Anonymous
I'm the one who first said I'd gone through an au pair like this for a year and regretted it and just wanted to say this poster did a fabulous job of articulating exactly why you should rematch. I particularly like the last paragraph. I've had four great au pairs, and the "laughter and playfulness coming from downstairs" is exactly what you should expect - at a minimum. Complete silence and turning the monitor around is harming your children. Harming them. I don't mean to be alarmist, but sometimes putting it in those simple harsh words needs to happen. Do not let that continue. |
Anonymous
THis 1000 times! When my kids were this age, there were screams of laughter and the thumping of piggyback rides and impromptu dance parties coming from downstairs. That's what your kids need and that's why you need a new AP. She's not a 5, she's a 2 at best. |