Communication issues with new nanny family

[Anonymous]

I have been working with this family since the twin girls were born 4 1/2 months ago. Mom and I get along really well, both personally and in terms of professional communication. Well the dad I think likes me and is appreciative of the job that I do for his family, I find that communicating with him really stresses me out. He is definitely very type a detail oriented, and we often have situations in which I feel like he wants me to agree with him, but also wants to show respect for my opinion, which is sometimes legitimately different.


We are on the same page about all of the big stuff, so these are all conversations where I would be absolutely fine just capitulating and doing whatever it is that he wants me to do. But he asks me for my opinion, I explain it the best way that I can, he then asks me lots of follow-up questions in what I feel is a very aggressive tone and I tend to feel sort of cornered. At that point, I usually say something along the lines of "if you don't feel that my approach is right, then I am happy to do something different. Just tell me what you want me to do." He always replies that he doesn't want to overfill me because he respects my opinion and my experience and that he wants my guidance, and then we go back through him asking lots and lots of questions that I'm not sure exactly how to answer. I think maybe he is just one of those people who likes to process things verbally by talking through all of the options, but I find the whole process anxiety inducing, and I'm not sure what I could say or do that is helping the process, but in the meantime is stressing me out.


First, has anyone had a situation like this with a parent, or if you are a parent do you ever find yourself communicating this way, and second any tips on how to break out of this cycle? What we are doing now is really not working.

[Anonymous]

I don't see the problem here. he likes to ask questions about your opinion and more often than not, goes with what you think is right. it's his right to ask questions and to fully understand why you do what you do. it's his child...

[Anonymous]

He sounds a little ASD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see the problem here. he likes to ask questions about your opinion and more often than not, goes with what you think is right. it's his right to ask questions and to fully understand why you do what you do. it's his child...

Okay, well the problem is that these conversations are stressful to me and end up going in circles until one of us has to leave, leaving the topic ultimately unresolved. As I stated, I am happy to do whatever he wishes, so it's not that I don't like being questioned, but I find his style of questions both unproductive and stressful.

[Anonymous]

Don't get stressed out. Different people have different ways of communicating and it sounds like this is his style as opposed to him not having faith in you. Keep doing as you are and don't worry about it. If it really becomes a problem do you feel comfortable sitting down and expressing your feelings to him as you have done here?

[Anonymous]

Honestly it sounds like you get defensive easily and are taking his questions personally even though you know he doesn't mean them like that. He probably speaks quickly too right? Is he a lawyer? I'm a lawyer and get this feedback sometimes - you may be able to tell him light heartedly that you feel cross examined - my husband sometimes does that to me. If he's a lawyer it is literally his job to communicate like this and sometimes he doesn't know how to turn it off.

He could probably do a better job but so can you in managing your anxiety. Don't hesitate to say something like "hmmm let me think about that one" and take a deep breath - don't let him rush you - you could even go so far as to say something like "I'd actually like to think on that one overnight, can we finish this up tomorrow?"

[Anonymous]

He is a lawyer. Yes, feeling cross-examined is a very good explanation. I will try to be more aware of how ai am playing into this and figure out a better way to respond.

[Anonymous]

I knew he was a lawyer before PP even mentioned that because he sounds just like my older brother! You get peppered with questions about the most mundane things. I'm a nanny and I'll get peppered about the NF dad's job for example. (Like I know anything about what he does other than he's a neuro-surgeon.) But that's just how he gets information. Don't let it stress you out, don't be afraid to say I don't know, or just because or whatever. Also, don't be afraid to just be honest and say I feel uncomfortable with all the questions, what is the main thing you're trying to understand?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is a lawyer. Yes, feeling cross-examined is a very good explanation. I will try to be more aware of how ai am playing into this and figure out a better way to respond.

Do you feel like you can ask him to slow down, let you talk to him about it later?