Limitations on food and drink?

[Anonymous]

I know we are supposed to provide food and beverages for our au pairs. But how much is too much when it comes to the au pair feeding herself? My au pair regularly helps herself to our beer, wine, and liquor. She is also drinking us out of house and home by drinking 6+ sodas a day and all of our Gatorade. Last night, she polished off a platter of brownies that I bought is a special treat for some houseguests. I'm having to grocery shop 1 to 2 times a week now to replenish food and drink. Do I just let her go to town and eat and drink whatever she wants to, or is there a better way to separate matters on how much food and drink she can have? She's gained 20 pounds in four months....which is fine, but I'm having a hard time keeping up with all the groceries.

[Anonymous]

I think you can definitely set rules. Food is one thing, alcohol is another. If she is old enough to drink, she can buy her own booze (and it's also fine to set limits on when/where she can drink, especially if your car is involved).

I would have a conversation with her about the soda and Gatorade. We don't buy either, but I see those as a treat and not a necessity of life. Whatever limits you set for your kids -- those would be reasonable limits to put on her and she can buy her own above and beyond that.

You should also tell her that she has to ask to eat treats like brownies -- because you had plans for those, they weren't just freely available.

Get a pad of sticky notes and start using notes to put on stuff like the brownie platter to make it clear that those have a special purpose.

That's no different than I would do with my own kids -- I would either tell them directly not to touch the brownies, those are for my guests, and if I couldn't tell them directly, I'd leave a note on the platter.

I wouldn't bring up the weight gain -- but as long as you have plenty of healthy options available, you don't have to subsidize her treats. If she wants treats over and above the limits for the kids, she can use her stipend to buy her own.

[Anonymous]

There is a bigger problem than the food and the weight here. AP is being disrespectful. No one in their right mind would eat an entire platter of brownies without asking unless they made them themselves. She sounds like a terrible roommate (the kind that never goes to the supermarket, yet eats all your food). And the booze is simply unacceptable. I have a (small) cellar and I keep bottles for many years. If AP thought it was ok to grab a bottle, I would lose my top. So I show my cellar to AP as part of our home tour and I let her know this if off limits. We also have in our handbook that when we have wine for dinner, we will offer AP a glass, but when she wants to drink in her spare time or with friends, she needs to buy her own.

I think this deserves a sit down. 1) Start labeling what should be saved for special occasions, 2) Give her a soda/gatorade allowance and ask her to keep it in her room (or keep it somewhere else- like if it's only for wokring out, I'd keep it in my room) 3) Booze of OFF LIMITS, period. Tell her to buy her own.

I don't mean the be debbie downer here, but if this is how she behaves in your home, I suspect other issues will creep up really soon. Unless she is really clueless about proper roommate etiquette, I suspect this lack of respect might soon extend to other house rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can definitely set rules. Food is one thing, alcohol is another. If she is old enough to drink, she can buy her own booze (and it's also fine to set limits on when/where she can drink, especially if your car is involved).

I would have a conversation with her about the soda and Gatorade. We don't buy either, but I see those as a treat and not a necessity of life. Whatever limits you set for your kids -- those would be reasonable limits to put on her and she can buy her own above and beyond that.

You should also tell her that she has to ask to eat treats like brownies -- because you had plans for those, they weren't just freely available.

Get a pad of sticky notes and start using notes to put on stuff like the brownie platter to make it clear that those have a special purpose.

That's no different than I would do with my own kids -- I would either tell them directly not to touch the brownies, those are for my guests, and if I couldn't tell them directly, I'd leave a note on the platter.

I wouldn't bring up the weight gain -- but as long as you have plenty of healthy options available, you don't have to subsidize her treats. If she wants treats over and above the limits for the kids, she can use her stipend to buy her own.

You can also set limits if drinking is impacting care for your children. If she's not old enough to drink under US law, rematch is also an option, otherwise you are liable because it's your house.

[Anonymous]

The alcohol should not be part of the "room and board" other than what might be typical at a dinner table or a glass of wine after dinner if she's of legal age and that is typical in your household with the adults.

The soda and gatorade is tricky because in some households this is *the* hydration supply - soda, gatorade, juices, etc. That could be a difference that's not cultural but different from household to household even in the US. I know at friends' houses they have a full kitchen of drinks like that, although at ours we don't. I'd suggest buying 2 liter bottles of the soda and it shouldn't impact your food budget as much.

Special treats and ingredients in the fridge that are waiting for a particular day is always tricky - I have stuck a postit on something, or mentioned it to the AP that "this is the chicken for tomorrow's crockpot meal I'm making" but I generally don't stress too much about this stuff. The treats you will have to re-make is tough and I'd be pretty concerned that the platter is gone.

I think when young people go off to college, to AP, or live on their own it's hard for them to regulate having access to food and drink provided sometimes! So maybe she needs some gentle guidance about healthy eating but you don't want to say it in a way that could be insulting. I would do the same for my niece or daughter - I think a good way would be to point out the healthy snacks, mention the treats are for special occasions, etc.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

You really can't limit food. Needing to grocery shop that much more suggests you're not buying enough at a time to accommodate a new adult who needs to be getting 3 meals plus snacks from your house.

But I would just stop buying sugary drinks.

[Anonymous]

I strongly agree that what you are dealing with is not about food. Your AP either is being thoughtless or she is being disrespectful, but either way, you have to have a conversation with her. I say this as a longtime HM who has had to talk to two APs over the years, including our current one, about their massive food consumption. In our current AP's case (and you can find the post about it from late Sept or Oct), AP was putting away 8 waffles in one sitting, 5 chicken breasts, 3 gallons of milk a week, two frozen pizzas, a quart of organic maple syryp in one week, 6-8 bananas a day, etc. In oue AP's case, his food consumption was also affecting his work: he was taking time away from interacting with my son to make himself enormous meals in the middle of the day.

So AP and I sat down and talked. I started by asking him a simple question: Is this the amount of food he was used to eating at home? He admitted it wasn't. What came out in that conversation were three things: 1) AP had never had free access to so much plentiful food. At home, food had been very restricted due to money and a very hard working mother who didn't stock the fridge the way our family fridge is stocked; 2) AP had decided - without mentioning this specifically to us - that he wanted to bulk up and gain weight during his year; and 3) AP was using eating as a way of filling time because he was feeling uncomfortable with being in charge with our son.

In other words, AP wasn't eating the amounts he was because he was hungry; he was eating for reasons that had nothing to do with hunger.

Once AP solved the third issue - interacting with our son - and became really good at his job, over-eating really slowed down. Yes, he still eats A TON, and we now buy waffles at Costco rather than Whole Foods and Aunt Jemima syrup for him rather than the good stuff, but overall, he isn't doing thoughtless eating like he was. And he now will say if we are down to four banaas, "May I go get some bananas with your CC today? We are low," rather than just finishing them and leaving us with none. But again - he is eating less because he isn't using eating as a crutch anymore, plus it has become more "normal" to have plenty of food around. Oh, and I told him that his weight gain wasn't my problem so he should get some whey protein powder to mix into his smoothies, which he did, and that helps a lot.

OP, I would address this head on. Again, this level of eating is either thoughtless - as our AP's was - or disrespectful, and either way, it isn't about the kind of "board" you are required to provide. NO ONE is required to provide an entire platter of brownies. Nor six sodas. Nor ANY alcohol at all.

So sit her down and talk. Don't mention the weight gain but find out how she is doing otherwise. Talk to her about whether she is happy with you and in the US. And then gently lead the discussion to food. You can begin with teh two easy ones - the alcohol and the brownies. Start by saying no alcohol period unless you specifically offer her, and then she only drinks the glass you or your partner pours for her. About hte brownies, I think this is a good way in to asking if she would do this at home. That will tell you something about her. If yes, then she is a huge eater and maybe is used to binging. So you can tell her that this won't fly in your household and it's a bad model for the children and from now on you will label. If no, then you can ask her why she is doing this here and see where that leads. But either way, it may be time to label.

In your shoes, I would stop buying sodas and gatorade. We are clear with our AP that the high protein bars and gatorade we buy are ONLY for our DC who is a competitive athlete, not for the rest of us.

Good luck with this one. Remember - this isn't about you limiting her food intake. It's about teaaching her to be respectful about the amounts of things she is eating.

[Anonymous]

if having sodas and gatorade and treats in the house is important to you, then I would make it clear that you bought X amount that needs to last X amount of time, to be shared amongst X number of people which means each person is allotted X number of bottles/cans. If she wants more than that number, then she needs to buy it herself. There's nothing wrong with that. Buy what you need for the week and when it runs out, it runs out.

I've had meal delivery from hellofresh a couple of times and they have a cool way of packaging the dinners. The items for each meal are packed into its own box. Maybe you can do that with things you want to make sure are still available at the end of the week. Everything else can be free for all, but when it's gone, it's gone and make sure the whole family knows that. Present it at a family meeting so it's not just AP being singled out. This should save you both time and money.

[Anonymous]

Those sound like symptoms of depression, OP.

Your booze needs to be locked, just like meds. You'll need to do that anyways when your child is older, FYI.

[Anonymous]

My approach to the alcohol would be to express sincere concern and try to help her find a way to be happier in my home - you know, try to get at the root cause, rather than immediately jump to putting a ban or a quota on her coping mechanism. After that conversation though, I would let her know that household alcohol is not meant for individual, private consumption - it's for family dinners, holidays, etc.

On soda, I'd buy her whatever is considered a person's serving in your family and let her know that bottle, or pack, is hers for the week.

On food, I really wouldn't limit her access, but when you do have a special purpose for something tell her. I ask AP to let me know whatever special things she'd like and I get those. She knows what our staples are and she's free to have that. On rare occasion when I've specially bought something, like baguettes for a dinner party or cake for a birthday party - she knows because it's naturally come up in conversation in the context of what plans we all have for the week, what the menu is, etc. I get excited about cooking, so what's on the menu for the week is a common topic.

[Anonymous]

Our AP gained 50lbs her first 6 months. The amount she eats is staggering. Gallon of milk day. Stick of butter every 2 days. Costco sized bag of granola a week. It's a good $75/wk extra.

I've learned to put stickers on food I'm saving for dinners. I've learned that is I cook a pot of chili to double the recipe because she will eat a pot herself alone.

We don't drink soda and she guzzle it by the liter a day or more. She is responsible for buying it on her own.

I don't supply any liquor to any APs ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our AP gained 50lbs her first 6 months. The amount she eats is staggering. Gallon of milk day. Stick of butter every 2 days. Costco sized bag of granola a week. It's a good $75/wk extra.

I've learned to put stickers on food I'm saving for dinners. I've learned that is I cook a pot of chili to double the recipe because she will eat a pot herself alone.

We don't drink soda and she guzzle it by the liter a day or more. She is responsible for buying it on her own.

I don't supply any liquor to any APs ever.

Back again.

Yesterday night I bought a bag of mixed nuts that weighed 1lb 14oz. Today I came home and the bag wad opened. It now weighs 1lb. She ate 14oz of nuts today. She will probably polish the remaining pound off tomorrow. $19.99, straight onto her hips and in her arteries.

[Anonymous]

She's not happy there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's not happy there.

She actually asked to extend, but we had to declie. The mental health issues are too much. Shes trying now to do an extension year and I struggle with weather or not i should warn tbe next family about her binge eating because this is clearly a sign of deep mental problems.

If she's so unhappy, she must be a masochist by wanting to extend. But yea, clearly she's not happy, but the reason remains unclear. Maybe it's whatever is at home, since she seems not to want to return.

[Anonymous]

How old is she?