How to convince MB that her child's schedule should be sacrosanct?

[Anonymous]

I have been a nanny and preschool teacher for a long time. I understand the importance of a schedule for a child especially as they are approaching the "terrible twos" and tantrum-territiry. MB agrees with me and I keep my twenty-month-old change on a healthy schedule during the week. He eats well, sleeps well, plays well, and has exceeded all developmental milestones. He is a happy little man.

HOWEVER on weekends it is a free for all - no schedule at all. I take over on Mondays with a constipated, tired little guy prone to sudden tears. By Tuesday afternoon, he is back on track but he isn't himself for 1.5 days with me.

What can (and should) I say to convince MB that he needs his schedule every day? She has already made numerous comments about how much better behaved he is with me.

She is a loving and good mother and no one is quitting.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if you want get some one to make their lives revolve around nap schedules. That's not how everyone does it, and unless her son has special needs, it shouldn't really be necessary. What if he had an older sibling in a sports team? Would big brother only be allowed to attend games on days when it doesn't conflict with nap time? Not all families put the entire family on hold for naps. either nap on the go, or don't.

[Anonymous]

MB here, who is utterly with you on the importance of schedules OP. I have twins and maintaining a schedule was the only way I survived, and it clearly worked for the kids also.

When she makes a comment about his behavior can you say something like "Well, you know I'm pretty strict about his schedule and even if he doesn't like I think it sets him up for more success in managing his behavior. And it makes my life and job easier and happier!"

Can you find a good sleep chart you can share w/ her? I have one that was my bible, that very clearly lays out appropriate nap times and length at various ages, etc... It was a fantastic toolm and it came from "experts" so it was useful to show certain other key adults in their lives that it wasn't just me nagging about the schedule.

If she's open to this kind of conversation then hopefully she would listen to your advice. If she's not, then you have a bigger challenge.

If you decide you're fed up could you come help me figure out how to survive what I'm hoping is normal 3 1/2-4 yr old behaviors around tantrums, bedtime struggles, nightmares, etc...? My previously fantastic sleepers are suddenly exhibiting all kinds of problematic bedtime stuff. Argh!!

[Anonymous]

Honestly, she's not going to listen. I would bring it up once to say something along the lines that you've noticed he's having a rough time on Mondays and Tuesdays and that it might be helpful to be consistent with his schedule over the weekend (and print out a simplified version of the schedule), but my guess is that like many parents she wants and easy, well-behaved kid like she sees you have, but she's not willing to actually change her life enough to accomplish that goal. Sadly, a lot of parents just don't understand enough about child development to get the connection.

[Anonymous]

I know what you are saying and I know you have a point but I would not say anything about this or if you do, make it light. Do not use the word sacrosanct or anything of that nature.

People have different beliefs and her belief just does not lie with yours. If you say something, she is not going to suddenly see the light and change her philosophy and parenting style. Some parents firmly believe that kids should have a relaxed schedule or no schedule and "go with the flow." Some people have a firm belief that kids do not need to go by the clock all hours of the day and learn discipline from toddler age to make the caregiver's life easier.

She may just have a hard time balancing all that she needs to do over the weekend, ends up taking the little one on her errands which she must do to run her life, and the little one gets over simulated and doesn't nap. She may fully know this and look to you to balance it out by giving him some days where he does get good naps. I actually plan the weekends to be full of fun and include field trips knowing the nanny will spend the week with my little ones (who are a bit older) and give them more routine. Weekdays are supposed to be for work, weekends for fun and relaxation.

Again, I know what you are saying, and I know that kids will get tiring and cranky if they do not get good rest. But from the subject where you said "schedule is sacrosanct," I think that is coming on way too strong because she could be one of those people who believe the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Wait till you become a parent - easier said than done.

[Anonymous]

The next time she comments about how well-behaved he is with you, just say, "I find that keeping kids on their schedule every day really improves behavior."

Also, how do you know it's a free-for-all over the weekend? Have the parents said so?

[nannydebsays]

Have you not experienced "Monday Madness" before in your time as a teacher and as a nanny, OP? It's a job issue most nannies have most of the time.

That said, you can talk to her about how YOU rely on scheduling to keep NK on a good track during the week next time she complains. Take the tone that you really are invested in helping MB figure out how to have a happy kiddo during her time with him.

Ask what she does and how he responds. Ask what their days look like on the weekends. Refer to your logbook/journal to show MB your general daily schedule. Ask how she thinks you can help her have a cheerful calm kid on the weekends.

Don't mention how hard Mondays are for you - you want to make the discussions completely about helping her,which will then help you.

And don't be shocked if it takes a while for changes to take place. Parents need to make their own choices and deal with the outcomes while they are figuring out their new 24/7/365 job.

[Anonymous]

Long time nanny here. IMO, your MB is unlikely to change her ways. I've worked with a number of families over the years. Some MBs and DBs will try very hard to stick to the schedule as best as they can on the weekends. Others will say they agree the schedule is important for their child, but choose not to make it a priority themselves.

I've worked with parents like that, and even when they had a little terror on their hands all weekend who refused to nap and was just impossible (and was starting to exhibit signs of special needs, and had no other siblings complicating things), they still would say things like "I tried to do it, but it's too hard.."

Parents who choose not to follow the schedule on weekends are not likely to change. You can show them every chart and study and book that exists on the importance of a schedule for a toddler, but they already know it is important, and are choosing to prioritize other things over the schedule.

You've already said you won't quit, so honestly all you can do is deal with it.

[Anonymous]

This is why I prefer 6-7 days a week, 12+ hours, up to 24/7. When I set the schedule, I know what can be changed and what is absolutely necessary, and the kids benefit from a steady adult who consistently guides the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I prefer 6-7 days a week, 12+ hours, up to 24/7. When I set the schedule, I know what can be changed and what is absolutely necessary, and the kids benefit from a steady adult who consistently guides the day.

Hope you're well paid for that kind of responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait till you become a parent - easier said than done.

How do you know OP isn't a parent? I am a nanny with two kids now in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if you want get some one to make their lives revolve around nap schedules. That's not how everyone does it, and unless her son has special needs, it shouldn't really be necessary. What if he had an older sibling in a sports team? Would big brother only be allowed to attend games on days when it doesn't conflict with nap time? Not all families put the entire family on hold for naps. either nap on the go, or don't.

He doesn't have an older sibling on a sports team or any where else - he is their first child. OP here and I raised my own daughters and was able to keep them on a schedule for weekends as well as on weekdays with my husband's help.

And you need to understand that my MB agrees that he needs a schedule and is happy with how happy he is when he is on his schedule.

[Anonymous]

OP again and thank you for your suggestions. I will bring back the log book for a bit and talk to MB about how she can keep his nap and eating schedule on weekends. The poor little guy really is miserable on Sundays, Mondays and about half the day on Tuesday and it isn't fair to him.

[Anonymous]

"unless her son has special needs, it shouldn't really be necessary. "

-1
That's ridiculous. Glad no schedule worked fine for your kids. Personally the people I know that keep no schedule tend to have more frayed around the edges kids, but I assume the lack of schedule works for their family overall so they suck it up.

OP, feel free to mention lightly what works for you or start a log book so you can track when he sleeps each day for them to maybe look at. But if this is constant as opposed to occasional and he's not even 2 yet, then they are just not believers in a schedule. I do not think you can convince people who are not believers in the importance of a schedule to change. (Also I think probably a kid who ALWAYS has to go with the flow gets used to it more than a kid who has a great schedule for 4 - 5 days a week & then is schlepped around all over the other 3 - 2 days.)

it is what it is. Maybe baby steps? Try focusing on the constipation thing first as this would ideally impact the parents the least to fix it.