Unrealistic Expectations?

[Anonymous]

We’ve been working with our current nanny share for more than 6 months. I feel we still have a few challenges and wonder if my expectations are unrealistic. Because this is a nanny share I know the needs of both babies have to be met, but it seems that the nanny always prioritizes the other baby over my own little one. For example, the nanny often tells me she has to hold and play with the other baby more than mine because the other baby cries really hard and my baby never does so. She says my baby is so “independent.” He's barely walking! There is no way he is independent! Another concern I have is that the nanny has fed my baby food other than what I have left on at least 4 occasions that I know of. She even started feeding him solid food before I asked her to. Granted he was over six months and it was just rice cereal and bananas, but still. Each time I have reiterated how important it is that she feed my baby only what I leave, and let me know if I need to leave more. Finally, both families ask the nanny to keep logs of the time the babies nap and eat/drink bottles, and the number of diapers they have. The nanny flat out told me one time she could either keep the logs or care for the children, not both. Are my expectations unrealistic? Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can improve the siguation or better communicate with the nanny? Is it time to find another nanny? If so, how do I find a better nanny? I talked to four of this nanny's previous employers. They all raved about her. The most negative thing anyone said is that she didn't have a great sense of what was developmentally appropriate for children. Also, our contract says the nanny will keep logs of the children's day, so that wasn't something we added to her work load after she had started.

[Anonymous]

I would look for someone else. It sounds like she's overwhelmed with two babies and picked yours to take shortcuts with. That would not be acceptable to me.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be okay with her feeding food that you requested her not feeding him, but I understand the logs. I used to be a nanny that only ever cared for multiples and once they were crawling and on the move and the schedule became more regular - ie naps at the same time everyday - the logs become much more of a hassle. changing one child's diaper while watching to make sure the other is not doing anything dangerous is multitasking enough, writing down what kind of diaper it was is just a waste of time in my opinion, and I feel that way now that I'm a mom too

[Anonymous]

Sure, get another nanny. But first you take both babies for a day, and be sure to write everything down, please.

After just one day, you'll see how crazy your expectations are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't be okay with her feeding food that you requested her not feeding him, but I understand the logs. I used to be a nanny that only ever cared for multiples and once they were crawling and on the move and the schedule became more regular - ie naps at the same time everyday - the logs become much more of a hassle. changing one child's diaper while watching to make sure the other is not doing anything dangerous is multitasking enough, writing down what kind of diaper it was is just a waste of time in my opinion, and I feel that way now that I'm a mom too

I usually fill in the logs at the end of the day and just fudge the times. I can generally remember who had what kind of diaper and what they ate and can get close enough with the times. Seems its not really that vital to anything since no one has ever said anything or thought the times looked "off"

[Anonymous]

The logs help some parents "feel" connected to the child.

[Anonymous]

Im a nanny who has been working in a share for 18 months. OP, writing down simple stuff like food, diapers, naps is easy. She is lazy. Watching two infants/toddlers is not easy and those days are busy but you are not asking about writing down your baby's day mi?ute by minute.

As far as prioritizing one child over another thats normal.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here- I think your concerns are legit except for a diaper log. Come on!! I only log massive poops/diarrhea or if the baby hasnt pooped that day.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all so much for your perspectives. Since many comments have focused on the logs, I thought I'd clarify that the value of the logs for me is that I see them as a communication tool. I'd like my little guy's scheudle to be as consistent as possible on the week days and on the weekends. The logs seemed the best way for me to see what times he is eating and sleeping during the week so that I can continue a similar schedule during the weekend. It seemed this would make life easier for my little guy, and for the nanny if my baby gets the same scheudle on the weekends and on the week days and doesn't have to adjust every Monday. I guess I could try asking her each day when he ate and slept, but when I ask simple questions like "how was the day" the answer is always "he was happy." When I ask "what did he play with, or did he favor palying with any particular toys, the answer is "he played with a lot of toys, nothing in particular." This is pretty different from my experience with him on the weekends. He does have favorites toys which I always leave out. So, since I have a tough time learning much by talking to the nanny, I use the logs as a communication tool.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but she doesn't sound like much of a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Your expectations are not in line with the realities of a share with young toddlers/babies. If you want your child to never be kept waiting while nanny attends to another child who needs her, and keep detailed logs and follow your desired schedule to a T you need to hire your own nanny, not participate in a share.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered the app baby connect? I use this and love it. It's easy to enter things in as they happen it also lets the parents see what going on during the day. When one child eats I open the app put in the amount and time and the parent sees it immediately. It's a lot faster than writing it down and is done right after the activity is completed plus the parents love seeing what happens as soon as it happens.

Op has your nanny done a share or cared for multiples in the past? If you are the first families that she's cared for multiple children close in age she may not know what she's doing. How old is your child and the other child in the share? If one is say 7 months and the other is 4 months then the younger may need more care. Also some kids are more independent even if they aren't walking but can play by themselves. The other baby be more high maintenance. Either find another nanny or reconsider not doing a share since you want your child to get more attention. Wanting more attention is fine but then a share may not be right for you and your family

[Anonymous]

I agree that you might just not be cut out for a share. it sounds like you want a nanny just for your child - which is totally fine, but you can't expect your nanny to give 100% of her attention to each child. it kind of comes with the territory. also, I really don't see how you can tell that she is prioritizing one child over the other since you aren't there to see it

[nannydebsays]

Did any of the employers who gave you references say she had cared for multiple infants while in their employ? If not, that, coupled with the developmental appropriateness issues, would make me start looking elsewhere.

A log isn't that tough. Make a chart with 15 minute intervals, down one side and ate/slept/played//diapers across the top then fill in the times of each activity.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the baby app suggestion. I’ll check that out!

The nanny has been in many shares in the past. I know she wants to make all of the parents happy, and that has to be tough for anyone.

On the prioritizing issue, I suspect the nanny is prioritizing one child over the other because she tells me she is doing this. The nanny often tells me she has to hold and play with the other baby more than mine because the other baby cries really hard and my baby never does. She says my baby is “independent” and doesn't need as much attention. I completely disagree with the concept that a child needs attention only if it is crying, and that a child does NOT need attention if it is NOT crying. That said, I know that if my baby was the one crying a lot I would absolutely want the nanny to hold and comfort him more. I just thought that as the months went by one baby needing more attention would pass, but that doesn’t seem to have happened.

The two babies are two months apart. My baby is older, and I know that two months is a big age difference when they are little. I also know that the younger baby may legitimately need more care. How much more has surprised me.

In addition, we have a couple nanny cams which the nanny is 100% aware of and has been aware of from the beginning. She knows exactly where the cameras are. The presence of nanny cams is in our contract. Even still, I know that I can’t possibly see absolutely everything that happens during the day.