Gifts for AP
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Anonymous
| My au pair recently complained to me that I didn't get her gifts for Valentine's Day and New Years. I was very surprised about this because I think of VD as a romantic holiday for lovers, and I don't think of NYE as an occasion that calls for gifts. Am I out of line here? Did you get your AP gifts for these days? |
Anonymous
| I have never gotten my au pairs gifts for these holidays. My rule is that if the kids are getting gifts for a holiday (Easter, Christmas etc) that the au pair gets a gift too. |
Anonymous
| We give our AP chocolate for VD. |
Anonymous
| I would tell her it isn't common in the US to get adults gifts on minor holidays or fun holidays. Birthday and Christmas/Hanukkah only. |
Anonymous
| That's bizarre. Maybe a cultural thing? Did you get your kids a gift for those holidays? Of so, maybe she felt left out. On the little holidays where I get something for the kids (e.g., a little treat left from the leprechaun on st Patricks day), I get something for my AP too). |
Anonymous
| OP here. I know it's not cultural because I'm very familiar with her culture, and they don't do VD. Host dad gave one of those 99 cent boxes of hearts with messages to the kids. That doesn't seem appropriate for an adult though. I was curious if her friends were all given gifts and I had missed the memo. |
Anonymous
| I preview all holidays with Ap: "Halloween we do not give gifts, nor do we give gifts for Thanksgiving. christmas we will all exchange gifts. If you would like to make gifts for the children, that would be lovely. Santa only comes to children in our family so while we will have gifts for you, you, like the other adults, will not have a stocking. Only DH and I will exchange cards and candy on Valentine's Day. The children will make cards for their classes but that's it. On Easter only kids hunt for eggs and we don't do anything else." By going through things carefully in this way, there is no confusion or feeling hurt that they were forgotten. We do make a BIG DEAL of AP's birthday (party, balloons, cake, gifts, etc). I always feel sorry for APs whose HFs do not fuss over ap on his or her birthday. |
Anonymous
| She complained about not getting gifts? The only problem here is her entitled attitude. |
Anonymous
You are about as much fun as the measles Not to mention CHEAP, CHEAP, CHEAP. How much would it cost to put up a sticking and fill it with toiletries or a gift card. |
Anonymous
| Stocking not sticking. |
Anonymous
It has zero to do with being cheap. Santa does stockings, and it would make no sense to our children if he brought one to an adult in the household. Our AP gets plenty of gifts, just not in a stocking. The accusation of cheapness makes no sense when you know nothing about the context. |
Anonymous
| If I can vent, just for a second, it is very hard as a host mom when au pairs are very insistent that they be treated like adults all the time. And then when you do, they feel like they've been left out of the fun things the children get. I know it's not quite one or the other and I get that sometimes AP should get the same things as the kids, but it is on a case by case basis. And different people will reach different conclusions about when it is appropriate and when it is potentially offensive to the AP. |
Anonymous
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I am stuck at the part where she complained to you about this. First of all, it's pretty out of line to complain about 'not getting a gift'.
And two, its April. When did this come up? Sounds like something that would come up in conversation to vent some buried frustrations. BTW- Both holidays mentioned don't warrant any gift giving in my book. |
Anonymous
|
16:43 here. We haven't had issues with APs expecting things we don't do because of the previewing. I mean, at 21 most of them don't have the same kind of Christmas or Easter at home that they had at 8 and 6, so they aren't really expecting to be treated like the children are. And by telling them that they will get presents from us but not from Santa or Easter Bunny, they aren't confused or left wondering about what the day will look like and whether they have prepared appropriately for it. Again, this isn't about cheapness; it's about differentiating between adults and children and reinforcing to AP that he or she is in the former and not latter category.
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Anonymous
| OP here. How would you handle it if an otherwise good AP made frequent complaints about presents and other expectations that are unconventional? |