Matching quandary - she not only dates but also lives and works with her boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Very longtime HM here (on year nine of hosting). We have learned that having a boyfriend/girlfriend isn't an impediment to a great year, so we do not screen out candidates with a signif other. We are fairly along in matching (through almost a dozen emails, not yet on skype) with a great candidate for arrival next summer. She has the experience we look for, has the drive, has the athletic interest and energy, etc. She told me in her first email (and wrote on her application) that she has a boyfriend and asked how we felt, and I considered this a mature "address the situation head-on" from her. I asked her several questions about how they had talked about the program, how much he supported her, whether he had attended any info sessions, etc., and all the answers were good: he really believes she needs this for her career, he fully supports her, etc. BUT then last night she shared a little more: Not only is he her boyfriend who supports her while she going to school, but it turns out they actually live together AND he owns the dance studio where she works. So really, this young woman is completely tied up with this guy, not just "dating" him. I'm now having serious pause about her, because now that I take a second (third) look at her application, I don't see pictures of friends with her - just her and her family and her and her children she teaches. She doesn't mention friends in her essay. Is she someone who is just totally wrapped up in the boyfriend - and HE wants her to go abroad to learn better English? Or is this something SHE really wants to do? I can't tell.

I sent her a bunch of questions about how she socializes, who her friends are (are they from univ or only couple friends), and how much time she and boyfriend actually spend apart in any given day and week, but I'm wondering if this is just not a situation to even start trying to figure out.

I'd love some feedback from wise and experienced HMs. Is this something you would run from or try to sort through? ANd if the latter, what other questions can I ask to start to suss this all out? If it matters, she is 22 and from Germany, two years through a teacher training program in English and German, hence the need to perfect her already fluent English. She is also a dancer -- and as an athlete but non-dancer myself, i have all sorts of judgments and assumptions about dancers that I am sure are lurking even though I am trying to keep them at bay.

THank you.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm. HM here.

Is it possible she's actually becoming an AP to get out from under him? Not that it really improves things from your POV.

The lack of friends would also give me pause. I need my APs to have strong social support so they aren't relying on us for their companionship the entire time. I want to make sure they will make friends and have fun as a young person should, not hang around with us watching old TV.

Perhaps you can speak to her references to get a better sense of how connected she is to people.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am the same - must make friends easily and ASAP (our current AP is beyond social - literally everyone knows him). I know....wondering if this one is right for us. Thanks for input.

[Anonymous]

Our last AP also lived with her boyfriend and told us he was totally supportive etc. The boyfriend broke up with her 3 months into her year. She was really down for 2 weeks but then picked herself up. We had a good year in that she performed her job but we later learned that she wanted to have a year of sexual freedom but "park" the boyfriend for her return. He must have figured that out or something.

OP, if you have misgivings about this listen to your gut

[Anonymous]

I would choose someone else if you see any red flags. Rematch is hell, you want to feel like it will definitely work.

[Anonymous]

Were someone to look at my social media photos, or otherwise, they would mostly be of my SO and family. This says nothing about my relationships with friends, just what I choose to post online.
I also live with and am in a relationship with someone who travels abroad (for many months at a time) for work, and it's never occurred to me that my existence/our relationship would pose a red flag for potential employers. Odd, that it does in this situation...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Were someone to look at my social media photos, or otherwise, they would mostly be of my SO and family. This says nothing about my relationships with friends, just what I choose to post online.
I also live with and am in a relationship with someone who travels abroad (for many months at a time) for work, and it's never occurred to me that my existence/our relationship would pose a red flag for potential employers. Odd, that it does in this situation...

It really does in this situation because here, this young woman is proposing to leave the boyfriend she lives, works, and wholly socializes with for an entire year. ALL new au pairs experience homesickness but in this case, the question is whether this AP is just too much of a risk for missing her boyfriend and this going home early. If you don't understand this then you don't understand the AP program.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Just skyped with her. The boyfriend is 30, and they basically live the life of a married couple and have done so for years. Very nice young woman but not a risk I am going to take as an AP.

Thanks for the input from other HMs here