Charge hitting, biting, and pulling hair

[Anonymous]

I have been with a new family for the past few months and have one 2 year old charge. I am no stranger to 2 year old behavior, but recently his behavior has gotten out of control. He is completely undisciplined, screams at the top of his lungs if he doesn't get what he wants, and has taken to biting me, pulling my hair, and hitting me. Within 20 minutes of arriving to work yesterday morning, he'd already pulled my hair when I picked him up to carry him inside because he'd crawled out through the doggy door into the backyard with no shoes on. Then he needed to go upstairs for a diaper change, but he didn't want to. I prompted him to come upstairs with me and let him know we could finish playing with toys when we had taken care of the task at hand, but he shrieked and threw himself on the floor. I picked him up to carry him upstairs and he repeatedly smacked me in the face.

I handle temper tantrums like that by putting him in time out, but MB was home and her solution to his behavior is to sweetly tell him to stop and ask him to say sorry (which obviously means nothing because he's just parroting the word). I'm at my wits end and feeling unsupported. If they let him get away with stuff like this when I am not around, his behavior is not going to improve. I feel like I'm coming into work every day to be hit.

[Anonymous]

There's something going on with him. Could be as simple as a growth spurt messing with his sleep, or maybe he's not getting enough food or sleep. Could also be an ear infection or two-year molars. Could also be a reaction to a major transition in the family if there has been one.

It is possible he is just an undisciplined monster, but my two-year-old is the most difficult of my three children, always has been, and when he really starts acting out like that, there is almost always a reason. While we wait for the reason to resolve, however, I don't try to force him to do things unless absolutely necessary, and instead tell him I won't talk to him or play with him until he calms down. It doesn't always stop the shrieking, but it means I'm no longer getting into a physical tussle with a two-year-old. After he calms down, we talk about any consequences for any damage he did to things or a person.

[Anonymous]

ugh so sorry OP. I have never minded hen my MB or DB is home but since their child started preschool (is with me part time) he has become a TERROR. when they are home he turns into a monster but they do nothing about it. this isn't a phase -- I've been watching it develop for about two years now. he hits his 4 month old sister with no consequences (yes, you read that properly), hits all of us, bites, throws, whatever. he even threw a heavy tonka truck at the sliding glass door and broke it!! I'm ready to quit. he is not the same sweet boy he used to be and it makes me very sad. I can't do this anymore and it's too hard to come to work every day and be slapped and bitten and not be allowed to do anything about it

[Anonymous]

My charge attends daycare part time and is with me the rest of the time. He has started hitting and being aggressive ever since he moved up to the older class. I figure this is probably something that goes on at school, and his mom knows about it. He throws things, but I don't think he has quite grasped the difference between throwing a ball or soft item vs a block.

Does your charge go to any type of daycare or preschool where maybe something like this is happening and teaching him this behavior?

My MB usually will show him how to "do nice" to people. If he smacks me on the hand then we will take his hand and just gently rub it on mine and tell him he needs to be gentle. We have tried other things including acting upset/sad when he hits, but he honestly thinks it's hilarious.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like typical toddler behavior to me. You need to ask yourself what are you doing to reinforce this behavior? If you arrive at work and see he is already wound up try to take him to the park or something active to get that energy out. Later in the day when you see him getting worked up try to do a calming activity like reading a book, coloring or stickers. Make sure he is eating every couple of hours too. When he starts to hit, bite, or be aggressive towards you put him down and tell him in a stern voice that he is not allowed to hurt you and walk away. I usually put them in their room, but if he is in the middle of a tantrum just put him down where he's safe. Do not engage him at all or try to get him to calm down yourself. When he's screaming and being obnoxious tell him he needs to go to his room until he is ready to be nice. Give him ideas of some things he can do with you once he is calm. The key is to give him as little attention as possible, while keeping him safe of course, until he is behaving correctly. It will take a few times but once he learns that he will get no attention from you until he's calm he will stop the behavior.

[Anonymous]

I have never had a two year old act like this it is not typical behavior as you speak. There is no way a child would disrespect me in that manner period!

[Anonymous]

Are his parents opposed to you disciplining him? When they sweetly say "stop it" - do they object to you saying "violence is unacceptable. that's a time out" and then superman carry him to the nearest corner?

That's really awful. I'm sorry you have to work in those conditions. I would be completely mortified if my child behaved that way. The few times she's hit some one, there have been time outs and if it was related to a battle over toys or playtime, that was taken away too.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I don't know of they're opposed to me disciplining him, but because I've seen the way they handle his outbursts, I'm concerned that my discipline will have little to no effect if it's not followed through on when I am not there. I'm honestly considering quitting. I will not be some child's punching bag. I, too, would be mortified if he were my child and extremely apologetic towards my nanny if I knew my child were hitting and pulling hair. The other day he hit me while holding a rock, and when I went to hold his hands to stop him from hitting again, he started trying to bite my hands so I would let him go.

[Anonymous]

Children are smart enough to know what they can and can't get away with from each caregiver. As long as you are always consistent with the way you handle his discipline he will behave appropriately for you. The biggest problem I would see would be if the parents are home with you guys. Because that can change everything.

[Anonymous]

I have a toddler who behaves this way, and for whom time outs did not work. The better solution with him was to remove my attention. When he acted this way I put him down and said I can't play with you if you hurt me.
And I'd walk away. (This assumes you're in a safe place to leave him of course.)

Depriving him of my attention was far more effective than putting him in time out (with this child - not my other one). Also, when there was a toy involved the toy was removed and sometimes that was effective.

Mostly we had to get through that stage though, and really work hard on giving him language to help express his frustration.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

The parents are not supporting you ...
They let their kid be a brat ... I would leave.

[Anonymous]

Totally common two year old behavior! You'll need to bring yourself to stop his hands before they hit you, then tell him "no hitting(biting, kicking)" and walk away if he is still angry. Give up the power struggle, he will win. Be more patient and calm when he's having a tantrum, leave him where he is (put him somewhere safe and soft if needed)and walk away. You need to be way less emotional about his behavior or he will have you wrapped around his little finger! Recognize transitions as a difficulty and try not to make such a big deal over very common two year old behavior. Signed: a teacher of twelve two year olds!