What to do about kid who hits/kicks me out of frustration?
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Anonymous
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I am an au pair in a lovely family. I like my host family and kids, but am struggling with a 6yo boy that shows his frustration with hitting. He will 'head-butt' me in the stomach or recently he hit my face with his hands.
I tell him no and that's not OK and make him stop, but he struggles with transitions (bed to breakfast, car to school, school to car, to his dad). Those seem to be the most common times of frustration. I have talked with my hostmom and she has given me a few tips but we are both unsure what to do about it. It may be a phase or he might be struggling with something that we can't figure out. I don't want to leave them because 95% of the time things are great. I have a good relationship with my kids and the host parents. When I ask this child if he wants me to leave, he says no and seems genuinely sorry for his actions. He hugs me and stuff..and is sweet most of the time. It has just started with the start of school. During the summer, it had not been this way. Maybe new school environment causing trouble? Any suggesteions on how to deal with this? Thanks. |
Anonymous
| I would post this on the general DCUM board, in either the older kids page or the special needs page, not on the au pair board. This has nothing to do with you being an au pair (unless you're looking for guidance on how to talk to your HM or LCC about it - and it doesn't sound as though that is the case) but everything to do with how to support a child who is frustrated. |
Anonymous
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Catch his hands/feet/head in your hands to stop him from completing the hit/kick/headbutt. Hold him firmly and say "People are not for hitting. Do you want to make a different decision right now?" if he says yes, release him.
Also, I found my DD was not good at articulating her feelings. Its a little iffy to do this because you could be going in the wrong direction, but I articulate FOR my DD. "Leaving is really hard, you get into a groove and get comfortable and then you have to stop to switch gears to do something else." Can you come up with something you teach him to do to self-soothe during transitions? |
Anonymous
I have a child who has always had trouble with transitions. What really helps us is an egg timer  whenever we need to move on to something new (bath, homework, chores, going somewhere), I give her a bit advance warning along with the timer. Sometimes I give her a choice: 'how many minutes would you like to finish what you are doing and come set the table? 10 or 15 minutes'. Then I set the timer and give it to her. She feels in control and it helps tremendously with her behavior during transition.
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Anonymous
| It isn't up to OP to stop this behavior, but his parents responsibility. If one of my kids ever acted like this, I would have accepted this as my responsibility, not the au pairs.u |
Anonymous
I really don't see it as an issue of responsibility. I have had good partnerships with all my au pairs. I think for sure the mom needs to be addressing this, and it sounds like she is engaged... but it requires teamwork. Because even if Mom comes up with a brilliant solution, it won't help if it doesn't work for the au pair and the kid is hitting the au pair during the day when Mom isn't around. To the OP -- I'd talk to the Mom. In my view, 6 is too old for this behavior, unless the child has some significant special needs. Tell the Mom, "we need a plan." And then be ready to support it. Give the plan a few weeks to see if it is working. If it doesn't, go back to host mom and say, "we need a new plan, this one isn't working." I'm curious whether the child just hits the AP, or whether he also hits the mom? If it were MY child, and especially if he were 6 (and not special needs), I would pull him aside and give him a really stern talking to -- and probably a punishment. I'd reinforce to him that AP and I are on the same team, that AP has MY respect, and that he had better behave -- or else. I think the Mom needs to go to bat for the AP in this instance. But if Host mom is just shrugging it off with a "gee, I don't know why he's doing that?" with no plan in sight... THAT is a problem. If that is the problem, you probably need to have a really mature conversation with host mom, and say, "Hey Host Mom -- I understand that little Billy is going through a time of transition-- and he's acting out -- but I"m really concerned about the hitting. How would you like me to handle it? Or is there something else I can do that will ease him through the transition?" Giver her some time to think if she needs it... but you need to slowly escalate the discussion with the Mom until she takes notice and gets a plan. Alternatively, you can propose a plan (if he hits me, I'm going to take his TV time away)... but I think its always better to see if Mom has a plan first. |
Anonymous
No, parents can't just "stop" a child's behavior short of physically retraining the child at all times. It's up to the parents to "address" the behavior. In any good child care situation, the provider will work with the parents on the issue since changing a behavior requires consistency. I think the OP is doing the right thing by trying to help come up with a solution and it sounds like they are on the right track. The thing is, nothing is going to work overnight. My only advice to OP that hasn't been mentioned is not to talk to the child about leaving. One of our APs told our 6 year old she was afraid I was going to be mad about something and she "really wanted to be our AP." My DD became very worried that we planned on firing the AP and was afraid to tell me what was bothering her. The stress gave her a stomach ache and she couldn't sleep until we finally talked about it. Point being, kids don't know how to handle stuff like that. If he has trouble dealing with transitions, think of how scary it could be to think of you leaving and, on top of it, to think he caused it. More than likely, that stress will make him react with even more intensity since he doesn't know how to manage his feelings. If you are 95% happy, I'm not sure why this would cause you to rematch. However, if you are seriously thinking about it, you should keep those thoughts away from the children and discuss them with the parents and local contact. |
Anonymous
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Ask the llc if you can rematch. That host family is violent. Nobody has the right to abuse you. Not even the charges. If the do not listen then go back to your home country.
There are plenty of other ways to have a fulfilling gap year. |
Anonymous
Wait... my (own) 4 year old hit me the other day. I never realized he was "violent," but now I do. Thanks PP. Since nobody has the right to abuse me... do you recommend a restraining order? #getreal |
Anonymous
your own 4 year old is very different from someone elses 6 year old, when the parents do nothing about it. I would tell the parents that you are not going to tolerate it and ask them to make sure it does not happen again. An au pair does not have tostay |
Anonymous
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Hopefully the little demon will kick and hit someone his own age who will beat the $#!t out of him
The OP should move on to a family. |
Anonymous
No, an au pair does not have to stay. But someone who is going to call "abuse/violence" the first time a child hits/kicks her has no business in a child care role. Granted, OP says this has happened several times. But I think the real issue is -- what is the family's response? OP sounds much more realistic than you. I thought your response was ridiculous. |
Anonymous
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OP, if you do nothing,nothing will change.
can the child attend after school program, so you do not have to care for him? Clearly you are not able to meet all his needs and should not have to. Family should find a solution for you to able to do your work safely. |
Anonymous
Head-butting someone more than once is not violent behavior? Okay... then what is? In my second (non-US) au pair experience I left a family early (gave six weeks notice though, I was far too nice actually) because the 8 year old slapped me in the face, twice. Once because he lost a board game, second time because I asked him to please come out of my bedroom and especially get off my computer. When I knelt down to talk to him, he first punched me in the chest and then slapped me... and then lied to his mom, telling her I had hit him. Did I leave because he hit me? Not really. While I really don't like to be slapped, I do understand that sometimes children, even 8 year olds, cannot communicate their feelings clearly, get frustrated and can only react physically. I left because the host parents didn't give a damn and "rewarded" him for his behavior. Oh, you hit the au pair? Here, have a new bike and let us take you to the movies tonight, buy you popcorn and tell you, you are the best child under the sun. If you don't want to support your child-care provider, I will not provide child-care for you. |
Anonymous
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My 10 year old is sweet as sugar 90% of the time, but the other 10% of the time... ugh. As far as I know, he's never hit or lashed out at anyone but he sure does know how to throw a fit when he's really, really upset. His favorite is to slam doors. Of course we discipline (take away privileges, allowance, etc) and of course we make him apologize to whomever the yelling/anger/slamming was directed at. But he can be wildly upset and inconsolable sometimes. I know AP1 was a little baffled when a month or two into the gig, she finally saw this side of my kid. It wasn't pretty. But once he calmed down, life returned to normal. He's not a bad kid, he's just a kid.
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