question for nannies: what to do when one baby in share is higher needs

[Anonymous]

our baby has been fussy a lot during the day. she tends to be worse when at the other baby's house (we switch). she's about 9 months old. our nanny has told me that our baby girl starts to cry when the other baby girl in the nanny share is around; she'll even cry when she enters the room. has anyone had experience with this? what can i do to try to make things better? we think she may be teething but other than that no medical concerns to note. we would like to help figure out a way to soothe her so things are easier on everyone.

[Anonymous]

This is likely just a stage and your nanny will have to muscle through. BTDT! Do what you can to make sure your daughter is rested and happy when you hand her over to nanny.

[Anonymous]

Switching is generally not the best "routine" if you consider the real needs of the children. Can the nanny care be in just one place, maybe yours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is likely just a stage and your nanny will have to muscle through. BTDT! Do what you can to make sure your daughter is rested and happy when you hand her over to nanny.

This exactly. You can only make sure baby had enough rest and is getting plenty of live at home, like PP said.
The rest is your nanny's responsibilty.
How long has your DD been in the share?

[Anonymous]

DD has been in the share almost 6 months. The initial adjustment was a hard couple of weeks, and then since then she has been pretty happy with some reasonable periods of unhappiness (illness or other normal baby phases they go through). Recently the issue has come up because the other family is dissatisfied with the care their baby is receiving, and so I feel even more pressure to make things right (though they are completely out of my control outside of doing what pps mention). We would like to just have the share at one house full-time, I do think that would help, but it doesn't sound like the other family is into that idea. Our nanny is wonderful, she really does get through the hard periods well. I do get paranoid she will quit though, and we are already so attached to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD has been in the share almost 6 months. The initial adjustment was a hard couple of weeks, and then since then she has been pretty happy with some reasonable periods of unhappiness (illness or other normal baby phases they go through). Recently the issue has come up because the other family is dissatisfied with the care their baby is receiving, and so I feel even more pressure to make things right (though they are completely out of my control outside of doing what pps mention). We would like to just have the share at one house full-time, I do think that would help, but it doesn't sound like the other family is into that idea. Our nanny is wonderful, she really does get through the hard periods well. I do get paranoid she will quit though, and we are already so attached to her.

When I'm going through a rough time with one or both of the kids, my MBs have done little things to show their appreciation or to give me a break, and it really goes a long way toward keeping me happy and ready to keep at it. They have brought me coffee and muffins in the morning, let me off early, and once at the end of a really trying week they sent me home with a bottle of wine. As for the other family, maybe you need to have a discussion about what they feel is the issue and how they'd like things to change. You guys really need to be on the same page, and your nanny doesn't need extra pressure while dealing with this. Kids go in and out of phases. Right now its your kid, next month it could be their kid, and they will hope that you will be understanding.

[Anonymous]

I agree with all of the above.

1) it's a phase. Separatiom anxiety peaks at this age and the presence of the other child means less attention for your daughter. She recognizes and protests this, but it will pass.
2) anything you can do to limit the switching between houses will help. Kids thrive on routine and predictability.
3) what is the other family's concern exactly? If it's that your daughter is temporarily requiring more attention, remind them that in a week it could be their child who is going through a rough patch with teething and needs to be held constantly. I'd think a bigger issue in this scenario is your partnership with the other family, not an issue with your child or the nanny...these kids will get bigger and toddlers are a handful. If theirs is a biter, s/he will get more attention. If theirs is a risk taker and injured often, s/he will get more attention. Etc. Just like in marriage it will never be 50-50, the trick is to get comfortable being on either side of the 70-30 line, because you'll both take a turn there. If the other family can't recognize this, which is fundamental to the nature of a nanny share, after you've spoke with them...try to find one that does.

[Anonymous]

You might to bring items from home that help kids feel secure. Some research suggests the item be something with you scent.

Also, let your nanny know what your expectations are for those times when DD is difficult to manage. I will opt for the back yard rather then the park or just stay in to play if a kid is having an especially hard time and being extra sensitive.

If you can not stop the rotating then consider finding a new share. In the end, it is worth it to feel confident DD is secure and not feeling threatened and to allow the other family to find what they need in a share arrangement.