Striking a balance between passive and critical

[Anonymous]

I am a nanny. In life generally, I tend not to bring things up every time something bothers me. Instead, I wait to see if it is part of a pattern before bringing up (e.g., if a college roommate didn't do their dishes, I would wait to see if this is a pattern of behavior or just a busy day).

As a nanny, I don't want to be too demanding/critical/negative towards my employers, but I also don't want to just find a new position without trying to address things. I am not talking about job creep (although similar answers may apply), but more about little things that show that MB or DB and I are not on the same page regarding my role or discipline or family culture, etc.

My current family has a very different approach to discipline (I am very big on positive discipline, they tend to vary depending on the issue, but we don't sync up very often). I don't think I will be happy here much longer, and I don't want to blindside them, but I also don't know how to address things that aren't a problem so much as a different viewpoint.

What kinds of things do you feel are worth bringing up to your boss? Do you wait until it is clear that something is a dealbreaker for you, or do you bring things up even if they may only be a minor difference? What kind of language do you use?

Employers: would you be upset if a nanny asked you to adjust your parenting style so that she could be more comfortable? Would it make a difference if it was a nanny with a history with your family that you really valued? How do you prefer these things be handled?

[Anonymous]

You want them to change their parenting style to suit you? you've got to be kidding me.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here. I think you're pretty delusional asking parents to change their parenting styles to suit you (unless they resort to physical discipline, but even then I'd probably say I"m not comfortable with it once and if it didn't change, I'd quit). They are going to be the parents long term. You will only be a nanny until the kids are old enough not to need one.

I think you can address it that you have different views of discipline and feel it is creating some problems and how do they feel? You could address it as you feel you guys aren't syncing, etc. But yeah, you ask them to change their parenting styles to suit you and you better hope you have a new job lined up.

[Anonymous]

Oh God, are you one of those nannies who doesn't believe in saying no, giving time outs, or holding their charge accountable for anything? I've run across nannies like you before when out and about with my charge and find that "style" so ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Uh oh the sharks are sensing blood in the water..OP could you be a little more specific about what discipline these parents are using that you don't agree with before these "experts" tear you apart?

[Anonymous]

I'm not going to get into specifics because it is irrelevant. I will say that I set clear firm boundaries and enforce them and that the parents comment frequently on how well the kids behave for me (and how they wish the kids obeyed them the same way).

Thanks to the PP who made suggestions as to how to have this conversation--we are on different pages and how can we correct that.

As to those who think I should just quit, that is the question. I feel confident that I could quit and find another job that is more in line with my discipline style, but I think the family would be completely blindsided. I love the kids and the parents are wonderful and considerate employers, just a little clueless about child development. I have suggested that they seek out parenting classes, when they complain about the kids' behavior, but they say aren't interested and feel that it's no big deal since lots of kids are worse for parents than for others (true, but not to this degree).

We are approaching the age when the kids will be constantly pushing boundaries and if things are inconsistent between caregivers, then I really don't think I will be up to having to break them of things like tantrumming, whining and ignoring directions every Monday after they get away with it all weekend. So is there a way to have this conversation or do I just quit and say that it's for some other reason?

[Anonymous]

As long as you continue to set boundaries and enforce rules while they are under your care then I don't understand what the issue is. Children grow up in households where caregivers are not on the same page all the time - and children learn to adapt based on the expectations set for them. Yes, consistency is great but children are incredibly able when it comes to adapting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As long as you continue to set boundaries and enforce rules while they are under your care then I don't understand what the issue is. Children grow up in households where caregivers are not on the same page all the time - and children learn to adapt based on the expectations set for them. Yes, consistency is great but children are incredibly able when it comes to adapting.

This isn't my first nanny job, so I've been here before and this family is different. In general, I've seen that kids have more trouble with differing behavior expectations when they are going through the 2.5-3.5 stage of constant boundary pushing, and given that the family is very inconsistent with expectations, they are already testing constantly (oldest almost 2), even with me. It is compounded by MB being a WAHM, so when she is around they obviously test more than usual, because she will sometimes overrule.

[Anonymous]

OP, the parents don't want to change. They don't want to alter their discipline style. They don't want to attend classes.

[Anonymous]

As long as you continue to set boundaries and enforce rules while they are under your care then I don't understand what the issue is. Children grow up in households where caregivers are not on the same page all the time - and children learn to adapt based on the expectations set for them. Yes, consistency is great but children are incredibly able when it comes to adapting.

This poster is spot on. You sound very rigid, OP. there is no reason parents should change what they do just because you think you're right about the best way to do parent.

You definitely need to find a new job. The family may be surprised, but they'll find a new nanny and everything will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

As long as you continue to set boundaries and enforce rules while they are under your care then I don't understand what the issue is. Children grow up in households where caregivers are not on the same page all the time - and children learn to adapt based on the expectations set for them. Yes, consistency is great but children are incredibly able when it comes to adapting.

This poster is spot on. You sound very rigid, OP. there is no reason parents should change what they do just because you think you're right about the best way to do parent.

You definitely need to find a new job. The family may be surprised, but they'll find a new nanny and everything will be fine.

MB here. I agree with both of these posters.

I would not be receptive to being asked to change my parenting style to accommodate you. These are my kids, in my house, and you are being paid to care for them as my husband and I choose.

Now, do I believe that my kids can handle different styles? Absolutely. Am I ok w/ that on issues that don't pertain to basic safety, physical discipline, excessive screen time, healthy diet, etc...? Yes. Our nanny (only nanny my toddlers have ever had) has a very different style in many ways than mine. She puts them down for naps differently, handles mealtime differently, handles their tantrums more patiently, etc... Her way works. My way works. The kids are perfectly able to respond well to the different approaches and they are the better for it IMO. And our nanny is happier being able to do things largely her way. However, we agree on discipline and big picture concepts.

If we did not agree on those things, or if she was unwilling (or unable) to care for our children in the way we specify, then she and we are not a good fit for either side.

[Anonymous]

I understand where you are coming from and I will tell you, nothing you say will change them. It's best you move on before you become too stressed. Not every parent realizes they give themselves more work by not maintaining a consistent discipline strategy. The children will eventually make your day more difficult because they will test more boundaries with you. I would have a serious sit down with handouts and a game plan on how to adjust behavior issues. Give them a month to see if they will attempt and if not then start moving on. If discipline philosophies are different than the position isn't going to work. No need to give yourself more work when you can another family with similar views.

[Anonymous]

It's fine to raise the issue of your different styles and the issues that might cause. If they are pleased with how the kids behave with you, you can tell them what you do. But you cannot ask the parents to change their parenting style for your benefit. They are the parents, and even if you think they are totally wrong, it's not your place to do that. It doesn't sound like they are at all abusive or anything, they just don't discipline the way you think they should. So you decide if you can work with that or not.

[Anonymous]

They are not your kids so how they behave for the parents shouldn't concern you. Just do your job when your working.