Advice Needed from Host Families Adjusting to Lack of Privacy for the first time

[Anonymous]

I need some advice from those families who are dealing w/ hosting an AP for the first time. I am a WOHM w/ a 2.5 yr old DD and #2 DC due in one week.

Last weekend, my cousin called me to tell me that she has been awarded a 1 yr fellowship in DC. We live in Arlington. When I mentioned that I was expecting #2, she seemed very surprised (she lives overseas and is on a student visa) as she hadn't heard from our mutual relatives who I speak to more frequently. I get the feeling that she was hoping to live w/ us, but she wasn't explicit in her request once she heard my news. She did mention how tight her finances were even with this fellowship. After we got off the phone, I mentioned it to my DH and he seemed pretty open to the idea of her living w/ us--mainly b/c she could teach my DD another language. When I brought up the privacy issue, he said we had already given up a lot of our privacy. We currently have a nanny (40hrs/wk) and a housekeeping service that comes every two weeks. He was pretty open to the idea that she could help us out a few hours a week (exposing our DD to another language and maybe some food prep) in exchange for free rent.

DH was pretty open to this as he said it could be a trial run of hosting an AP. I am more conflicted for the following reasons:
1) It's not clear when she would need to come to DC. If it's June (assuming that her current lease might end in May), it would be during the first few months of DC#2's birth and I recall that period as being very chaotic and not too fun. This time we would be doing it w/ a toddler. (It might be different if the timing coincided w/ DC#2 being about 10 months old or so, which is when DD started to sleep more regularly through the night. Before I had a kid, I did not even comprehend this, and I doubt my cousin who has very little exposure to young kids would know this either.)
2) I really am an introvert and need my down time. After DD goes to bed at 8, I usually decompress on my couch in the living room, and DH decompresses in his office. (We will be consolidating our two offices into one, a few months after DC#2 transitions into his own room. With only one spare bedroom, we would be w/o a dedicated office space for both of us. DH mentioned we might be able to tolerate this for a year. I would put my desk in our bedroom and he might put his desk in our finished basement which currently stores extra gear and serves as an additional playroom for DD.)
3) As my cousin is no longer in her 20s, I feel like she would be less likely to go out and be super social. She's already visited DC a number of times (e.g., she stayed w/ me when I was in grad school one summer and saw all of the sights). Plus her long-term boyfriend would be back in the midwest and so I doubt she'd be dating anyone either. So I am not sure how much of a social life she would have. Since she's family, she may assume that she can just hang out w/ us all the time if she felt like it. She also comes from another culture where the older ones take responsibility for the younger ones, so she may revert to this. She has in the brief times we have hung out when's she's visited me, etc. It may feel like 2.5 kids, despite her actual age.
4) It could get really awkward if things don't work out, as she's family and not a stranger who we would not have to see again. I guess I should stress that we are not really expecting a quid pro quid arrangement (e.g., you will work 10 hrs a week for us in exchange for free room and board.), but since she's overseas she may not fully appreciate how much she'd be saving even in exchange for say 5 hrs a week of helping us out w/ food prep and playing w/ DD to teach her another language.

Now that i've listed my reservations, I guess I should give more background as to why this isn't an easy "no" either.
1) I am really fond of my aunt who was always the nicest of my mom's (deceased) siblings. My cousin's dad died shortly after my mom did, and they've had a lot of financial set backs. In my culture, it's not unheard of to help out family, and previously, when able to, I've always hosted family (albeit for a few months over the summer at most).
2) It really wouldn't be a financial drain for us but could be a huge difference for my cousin. I've done some preliminary searches on Craigslist and it looks like it would save her a huge amount. She doesn't drive and would need to be reasonably close to DC where her fellowship/classes are.
3) If it did work out, it could be great for my DD to get broader exposure to my culture. Since my mom died, there's really no one to practice my second language with. I didn't live overseas very long so my knowledge isn't as great, but my cousin is a native speaker.

Please give me your experiences with losing your privacy, particularly if you are an introvert like me and need space to decompress.

[Anonymous]

If this is going to work, you need to A) set very clear expectations up front (I strongly suggest a written contract) and B) be comfortable with assertive and open communication between the two of you.

So you need to be able to tell her, "I've looked at rooms in groups houses around here and you'd be paying at least X for a group house in Y neighborhood. We are interested in having you stay here to save money but it would need to be different from other visits as you would be a member of the family, not a guest. To us that means that you would be helping out with A, B, and C about D hours every week."

You will need to think through where she will relax, entertain guests, etc. you will also need to find a place in the house for you yourseld to relax in. You should think through how to handle things like food, paper supplies, cleaning supplies, etc. I would advise against getting an au pair in your situation, but if your niece can handle you being "mean" to her in exchange for hundreds of dollars worth of free rent each month, then I think it could work. But you need to be clear up front that you really want her out of the way most of the time so you can focus on the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: You should think through how to handle things like food, paper supplies, cleaning supplies, etc. I would advise against getting an au pair in your situation, but if your niece can handle you being "mean" to her in exchange for hundreds of dollars worth of free rent each month, then I think it could work. But you need to be clear up front that you really want her out of the way most of the time so you can focus on the kids.

OP here. I appreciate most of your advice but this last part is confusing. As I mentioned before, it's not about additional expenses. We would be fine w/ my cousin eating any of our food, using any household supplies and not sure what you mean about cleaning supplies as we have a cleaning service. Since she's an adult, we would of course expect her to keep the bathroom that she uses tidy, most likely she'd have one to herself as our DD bathes in our big master bath tub.

And what do you mean about whether my "niece" can handle my being mean to her in exchange for hundreds of dollars worth of free rent each month? My husband lived in our neighborhood in a group house over 8 yrs ago and paid $700 before utilities and food. I recently looked on Craigslist and most studios around Arlington started at $1400 and up. None of this would be charged to her.

My question really is about whether I can handle having another adult living w/ us for at least a year who happens to be my relative--so I couldn't just ask them to leave if it wasn't working out.

[Anonymous]

That is something only you can decide. I would be concerned about the lack of space with another child coming and you like your privacy. If you had a basement suite, that would be best where she'd have space and so would you. Can you convert the basement into an extra bedroom/space for her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: You should think through how to handle things like food, paper supplies, cleaning supplies, etc. I would advise against getting an au pair in your situation, but if your niece can handle you being "mean" to her in exchange for hundreds of dollars worth of free rent each month, then I think it could work. But you need to be clear up front that you really want her out of the way most of the time so you can focus on the kids.

OP here. I appreciate most of your advice but this last part is confusing. As I mentioned before, it's not about additional expenses. We would be fine w/ my cousin eating any of our food, using any household supplies and not sure what you mean about cleaning supplies as we have a cleaning service. Since she's an adult, we would of course expect her to keep the bathroom that she uses tidy, most likely she'd have one to herself as our DD bathes in our big master bath tub.

And what do you mean about whether my "niece" can handle my being mean to her in exchange for hundreds of dollars worth of free rent each month? My husband lived in our neighborhood in a group house over 8 yrs ago and paid $700 before utilities and food. I recently looked on Craigslist and most studios around Arlington started at $1400 and up. None of this would be charged to her.

My question really is about whether I can handle having another adult living w/ us for at least a year who happens to be my relative--so I couldn't just ask them to leave if it wasn't working out.

OP, the PP was trying to be helpful. There is no need for snippiness. These are the kinds of issues that do come up when relatives stay, and she was just prompting you to think them through. We have hosted APs for 7 years, but we don't have your privacy issues and don't mind sharing our space. Still, I have found it best to be really clear about expectations, as in: "we love having you join us for dinner, but after dinner, DH and I like to watch TV/read/talk on our own." All PP was suggesting is that you need to be able to say things like this and your neice needs to be able to hear them without getting insulted. That is it (as far as I read it anyway).

[Anonymous]

OP, you are rigth in thinking that it can be a problem, especially since she is family. obviously you are the only person who can decide if this is going to work for you or not. but in your message you seem to have some assumtions you'd better clarify to her. you say it would be good to your DD to be exposed to another language. it is not obvious that a young woman spending a year in DC on a fellowship may want to spend time talking to a toddler. she may, she may not. if you expect that, tell her. also, one additional adult adds costs to a household, if you go to the refrigerator to start dinner and dinner is gone, you would be angry. make sure you talk about that. also, expectations about dating and personal life seem not reasonable to me. her boyfriend is in the midwest. how would you feel if he visits in your home for a week? two weeks? if she brakes up with the boyfriend and finds another locally, can she brings him home? can she invite friends home? you need to discuss all this before. you say you expect her to keep her bathroom clean. you'd better clarify this too. life with two kids is hectic and your tolerance level toward your cousin will be much lower than when she briefly visited you in DC years ago before kids. a year is a long time. it may work, but you need to set expectations extremely clear well before she arrives, do not assume anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are rigth in thinking that it can be a problem, especially since she is family. obviously you are the only person who can decide if this is going to work for you or not. but in your message you seem to have some assumtions you'd better clarify to her. you say it would be good to your DD to be exposed to another language. it is not obvious that a young woman spending a year in DC on a fellowship may want to spend time talking to a toddler. she may, she may not. if you expect that, tell her. also, one additional adult adds costs to a household, if you go to the refrigerator to start dinner and dinner is gone, you would be angry. make sure you talk about that. also, expectations about dating and personal life seem not reasonable to me. her boyfriend is in the midwest. how would you feel if he visits in your home for a week? two weeks? if she brakes up with the boyfriend and finds another locally, can she brings him home? can she invite friends home? you need to discuss all this before. you say you expect her to keep her bathroom clean. you'd better clarify this too. life with two kids is hectic and your tolerance level toward your cousin will be much lower than when she briefly visited you in DC years ago before kids. a year is a long time. it may work, but you need to set expectations extremely clear well before she arrives, do not assume anything

PP, thanks for your response. I guess I just needed to hear from others that this is actually a huge commitment. I definitely do need to have a longer, deeper conversation w/ her. it's just that i am less than a week from my scheduled delivery for my 2nd baby, and so I am just trying to get all my last minute stuff done. don't have as much time to process this as I normally would. I don't think she would object to hanging out w/ my 2.5 yr old. She kind of stressed how much she missed seeing our daughter etc., and that's why I think she may have been hinting at the idea of staying w/ us (before she heard the news of our impending second baby). w/r/t food, she's stayed w/ me for months at a time, so i'm not too worried about it. she's like me and eats very little and the other times she mainly cooked cheap tv dinners in the microwave. also, when she stayed w/ me in my small nyc studio one summer, i told her not to bring any guests back (really no space to entertain and not what most people in ny do anyway) and she did it once, and i called her out for it and she was fine w/ it. i've met the boyfriend and he's a nice guy. since he works in Illinois full time it shouldn't be too much of a problem for us to host him occasionally. can't imagine she would expect us to let a new boyfriend crash at our place though. (not part of our culture to have boyfriends regularly crash at a relative's house.) Plus, since she's not paying rent, she couldn't really expect us to house a local boyfriend.

I think it largely rests on whether I can deal with having another adult living w/ us full time for at least a year. If she stays a respectful adult who cleans up after herself and pitches in here and there, it obviously would lessen my stress. i believe my cousin is about 33 yrs old (too many cousins overseas to remember their exact ages).

[Anonymous]

Ok i'm very curious. What culture are you from?

[Anonymous]

OP- You may want to search online for Au Pair Family handbooks, at least for reference on the type of issues host families prepare for and deal with when hosting a young adult for an extended period of time. These might privacy, but also other family house rules you may want to communicate with your niece. Will she be able to use your car? Your computer? Can she have guests sleeping over? Do you expect her to help with cleaning up? How will she contribute to food shopping or prep? What are your expectations for her spending time with your toddler? etc...
Here's a reference: http://aupairmom.com/?s=handbook

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do it, if it were me.

Too many variables and I wouldn't want a relative working for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't do it, if it were me.

Too many variables and I wouldn't want a relative working for me.

OP here -- just had dc#2 six days ago. i am adjusting to the newborn's eating schedule and plan to defer any decision until after my 30-something cousin shows up in june sometime.

To the last 2 PPs--

Thanks for your input. For some reason one of the PPs thought i was talking about a niece, and it's my 30 something cousin. Also, we are not planning on hiring her. It's more that i got the sense that she was hoping that we would offer to let her live with us rent free for a year. I mentioned it to my DH after her call a few weeks ago, and he said he might be open to it if she could expose our DD to her native language. My cousin also stressed how much she missed DD and after DC#2 was born, texted and said she was looking forward to meeting the baby as well. To make it fair to my DH, since he'd be potentially be giving up our one spare bedroom, which was once his "man room" I said that she might be willing to help us out a bit in exchange for free room and board. (For example, she might help us out by hanging out w/ our older DC and teaching her a bit of her native language or help us prep food for dinner (don't think she can cook) which she would also be eating with us (for free) around 5 hrs a week in exchange for living rent free in arlington and not paying for groceries or utilities).

I just wanted host families' advice on the lack of privacy w/ having another adult live in. My DH thought it might be also be a trial run (losing privacy, having another adult living w/ us) if we ever decided to go the au pair route.

Also, to the other PP, my 30-something cousin does not drive (comes from large asian city), so she would not need to borrow our car. Since we live in arlington, she'd be pretty close to whatever location in DC she'd be traveling to.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations on dc2!

I think all the PPs have highlighted a lot of the concerns/things to consider. We've been hosting for 4 years and I think the biggest benefit that makes it workable for us is that our basement is finished and has a full bath. So, after dinner our ap goes downstairs and relaxes on her couch, calls jer frends and family and watches tv. We do the same upstairs. We do invite her up if we are watching a movie and she sometimes comes upstairs just to chat, but only about once a week. We do not go into her area without asking first and respect her privacy. She has had friends stay over night, but always asks ahead of time.

Essentially it boils dwn to each of us having our own livable private areas. Respecting each other's privacy and being friendly when she unexpectedly hangs out with her because we are her only family in a foreign country and I'm sure sometimes she gets lonely. Treating her like the adult she is and having almost no restrictions on her use of anything, including our car. And us, as the host family, truly not being concerned about the small things (food being eaten, towels being beached, heat on high, ac on low, etc). And communicating honestly and immediately when an issue comes up.

Only you know if your personalities can work through these issues.