How do you say "I'm just not that into you?"

[Anonymous]

I started a nanny job a little over a year ago for a family that at the time had an infant. At the time it was also a part-time job. A few months ago, my other part time job and get around the time that they decided to get full-time care. I started working full-time for there now one-year-old. The problem is that because I was thinking of them as part time and a short-term gig, I didn't ask a lot of the questions I usually do. The family are very lovely and good employers. They treat me very well. But ultimately we are not a very good fit in terms of our opinions on child nutrition, discipline, sleep habits, the importance of outdoor activity, and many many other topics. I am just not sure that I can be happy here long term, but they have made several comments that make it sound like they would love to have me until their kid hits kindergarten. How do I break the news without burning a bridge?

[Anonymous]

As a nanny I have had to bite my tongue a lot. Nutrition and outside time are important to me but some parents just don't agree. I had one charge who ate 20 Oreo cookies everyday and chicken nuggets every night for dinner. Did I agree with it no but it was my job to feed him what I was told and he only ate Oreos and chicken nuggets. He also went to bed at 11pm. Adapting to different families is a skill.

[Anonymous]

Here's an astonishing revelation : most people don't like their jobs and disagree with their boss on certain things but they bite their tongue and do it anyway because that's what adults do. Or they quit.But if they're lovely people and good employers then I'd say you're being petty and/or self defeating. It's not your kid, so why do you care? They're paying you to look after their kid in their way. They're not asking you to treat yourself or your kid in a way you disagree with. It's their kid, for the most part your opinion is irrelevant baring a major safety hazard or something illegal. But differences in food.So what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's an astonishing revelation : most people don't like their jobs and disagree with their boss on certain things but they bite their tongue and do it anyway because that's what adults do. Or they quit.But if they're lovely people and good employers then I'd say you're being petty and/or self defeating. It's not your kid, so why do you care? They're paying you to look after their kid in their way. They're not asking you to treat yourself or your kid in a way you disagree with. It's their kid, for the most part your opinion is irrelevant baring a major safety hazard or something illegal. But differences in food.So what.

+1

I have worked with several families who do sleep/nap routines, meal foods, discipline, etc differently than I would if I was a parent. For the most part, I don't care. I do what parents prefer and not what I do unless asked for suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's an astonishing revelation : most people don't like their jobs and disagree with their boss on certain things but they bite their tongue and do it anyway because that's what adults do. Or they quit.But if they're lovely people and good employers then I'd say you're being petty and/or self defeating. It's not your kid, so why do you care? They're paying you to look after their kid in their way. They're not asking you to treat yourself or your kid in a way you disagree with. It's their kid, for the most part your opinion is irrelevant baring a major safety hazard or something illegal. But differences in food.So what.

I am certainly able to just go along to get along, but I have spent a lot of time learning about positive discipline, outdoor education, childhood nutrition, etc. with my current family, I have to basically forget all of that and follow orders. Many, many little judgment calls have me second-guessing myself and I'm not really enjoying my work. With previous families, my knowledge in these areas was viewed as an asset, not a liability and I could make judgement calls knowing that the parents and I were thinking about things with the same set of basic principles in mind.

You seem to equate being a responsible adult with being unhappy at work, but that has not been my experience. I feel 100% confident that I could find another job where I can feel that I am being the very best nanny I can be, rather than a good-enough nanny for hhis family. I just want to know how to phrase my departure, since I would be looking for an on-the-face similar job (same area, same age, same pay, same hours) so there's no easy excuse as to why I don't think we are a fit--they obviously do think so!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's an astonishing revelation : most people don't like their jobs and disagree with their boss on certain things but they bite their tongue and do it anyway because that's what adults do. Or they quit.But if they're lovely people and good employers then I'd say you're being petty and/or self defeating. It's not your kid, so why do you care? They're paying you to look after their kid in their way. They're not asking you to treat yourself or your kid in a way you disagree with. It's their kid, for the most part your opinion is irrelevant baring a major safety hazard or something illegal. But differences in food.So what.

I am certainly able to just go along to get along, but I have spent a lot of time learning about positive discipline, outdoor education, childhood nutrition, etc. with my current family, I have to basically forget all of that and follow orders. Many, many little judgment calls have me second-guessing myself and I'm not really enjoying my work. With previous families, my knowledge in these areas was viewed as an asset, not a liability and I could make judgement calls knowing that the parents and I were thinking about things with the same set of basic principles in mind.

You seem to equate being a responsible adult with being unhappy at work, but that has not been my experience. I feel 100% confident that I could find another job where I can feel that I am being the very best nanny I can be, rather than a good-enough nanny for hhis family. I just want to know how to phrase my departure, since I would be looking for an on-the-face similar job (same area, same age, same pay, same hours) so there's no easy excuse as to why I don't think we are a fit--they obviously do think so!

I totally agree with you OP. in a similar situation in the past, I told them that I would be interested in taking some classes, but would need a different schedule, and a shorter commute. This was somewhat true, although a bit of an exaggeration of my needs. The truth was that I simply did not enjoy working for them or keeping my mouth shut about what I viewed as bad parenting decisions, and things that would ultimately harm their child (late bedtime, poor nutrition, too much TV, etc.). I gave them a lot of notice, and played a big role in finding and training my replacement. They are still a very strong reference.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm an MB. I think this is a circumstance that calls for some creative truth-telling. You go find another position that is a better fit for you. You give your current family as much notice as you possible can to soften the blow. Then you say something like "I really enjoyed working with you and your child is delightful. It was just time for a change for me OR I was looking for an opportunity to use more of my education in child development more directly OR this family really needs someone with extensive training and was looking for someone to help them develop their parenting approach - which is an opportunity that appealed to me. YOu all are very secure in your parenting which I respect, but as a result you don't have the need for my training as much.

Etc...

It will be fine if you're gracious and they're reasonable. Feeling like you want a better fit is perfectly reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, all! I will start looking around for a better fit.

[Anonymous]

Keep it simple. You are not a good fit for this family. Quit and give only this explanation.

From your posts, it's obvious you see yourself and your principles as superior to your employers'. You can think that, of course, however, no one but you cares and your judgmental attitude, if made obvious, could damage you in your job search.

So, keep it to yourself and just quit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep it simple. You are not a good fit for this family. Quit and give only this explanation.

From your posts, it's obvious you see yourself and your principles as superior to your employers'. You can think that, of course, however, no one but you cares and your judgmental attitude, if made obvious, could damage you in your job search.

So, keep it to yourself and just quit.

This attitude cracks me up. How dare the nanny with extensive experience training and education in the field of caring for and educating children, perhaps even raised children of her own, think she knows better than the parent (most of whom are first time parents). I would venture to guess that you, as a professional in your field, have opinions as to the best way to accomplish your job? And if you had a boss with a totally different way and was not interested in letting you use your experience and training, you might feel uncomfortable or unhappy and want to seek a better fit? OP said nothing to indicate that she feels superior. She has her way, they have theirs, and its not a good fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep it simple. You are not a good fit for this family. Quit and give only this explanation.

From your posts, it's obvious you see yourself and your principles as superior to your employers'. You can think that, of course, however, no one but you cares and your judgmental attitude, if made obvious, could damage you in your job search.

So, keep it to yourself and just quit.

This attitude cracks me up. How dare the nanny with extensive experience training and education in the field of caring for and educating children, perhaps even raised children of her own, think she knows better than the parent (most of whom are first time parents). I would venture to guess that you, as a professional in your field, have opinions as to the best way to accomplish your job? And if you had a boss with a totally different way and was not interested in letting you use your experience and training, you might feel uncomfortable or unhappy and want to seek a better fit? OP said nothing to indicate that she feels superior. She has her way, they have theirs, and its not a good fit.

OP here. I agree that this poster is a bit much. I actually don't think my way is "better"--because I don't think there is One True Way to raise kids. But there are ways of working with kids that work for me and ring true to me and they don't share that sensibility. As I posted earlier, the big problem is that our mindsets are so different that I can't trust my judgement. E.g., something I think is a totally healthy meal (homemade quiche with lots of veggies and full-fat cheese) they think is unhealthy (full-fat dairy is too high calorie for their toddler). An activity I think is great (running around on a tennis court chasing a ball) they think is dangerous (should only run on soft surfaces). Everything is about balancing different competing priorities, and when the priorities are different for nanny or parent, then the nanny is stuck doing things "wrong" or basically asking them to micromanage me. I would rather find someone with the same priorities, who will be thrilled with activities, food and discipline choices that come naturally to me than work to fit a square peg into a round hole.