High needs baby in nanny share

[Anonymous]

I've been part of a successful nanny share for a while. There are just a couple of things that irk me, which I think are minor, and I just need reassurance that I'm taking things too personally.

The other baby in the share is very high needs attention wise, with early separation anxiety and jealousy. The nanny must hold her or be touching her the entire day (naps, feeding, and play) and screams whenever she is not. She also gets upset when she sees the nanny give my baby attention (like change a diaper). My baby is usually pretty content, likes to play, and can nap on her own. My baby seems to like our nanny and I trust she is getting the attention that she needs, but I just wonder if she isn't getting the attention that should fairly be hers. That being said, I'm not about to ask the nanny to make the other baby cry all day.

Sometimes this also makes me feel like our nanny has a better relationship with the other mom as they tend to spend a lot of time gushing about how cute and spoiled her baby is. They also spend more time talking about her baby than the nanny does about mine.

Because my baby is usually easy going, I tell myself if she were in day care it would probably even worse and that we have it pretty good, and to stop focusing on this. Any advice on the situation?

[Anonymous]

I was a nanny in a share just like yours.
One child was very easygoing while the other was extremely high needs. While I did have to spend a lot of time tending to the high-maintenance baby, I never ever neglected the happy baby and was able to form a very strong bond with him. In all honesty, I had a better bond with happy baby than I did with high-needs baby.
The mom of high-needs baby happened to be high-needs as well. She needed to be reassured that her baby was normal so I had to spend a lot of time speaking with her.
I'm sure your nanny isn't intentionally not speaking with you as much as she does with the other mother.
Try asking nanny questions about the day. Ask what they did that day.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the reply. I found that helpful and was the extra perspective I was lacking. Our nanny is pretty good about letting me know what they did that day, but I will ask more questions. I'd be happy to hear more advice like this if anyone has had experience.

Also, any thing we could do to make this easier on the nanny? I realize having a high needs baby must be stressful for her as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the reply. I found that helpful and was the extra perspective I was lacking. Our nanny is pretty good about letting me know what they did that day, but I will ask more questions. I'd be happy to hear more advice like this if anyone has had experience.

Also, any thing we could do to make this easier on the nanny? I realize having a high needs baby must be stressful for her as well.

Agree with PP. I was also in a similar situation as a nanny; high needs baby+high needs mama. I spent a lot of time attempting to keep baby happy and stroking mom's ego. I honestly MUCH preferred you and you baby! Kids go through phases, and a high needs baby could grow into a mellow toddler, while your baby could cycle into a high needs phase. A good nanny is perfectly capable of dealing with this, but I assure you that your happy baby, and you not being in her face all day is much appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Same here! The high needs mom texted me constantly throughout the day asking how her baby was and three and a half years later, she is still doing it! 5 days a week for the entire time we have worked together, she has texted every single day. It is exhausting, and while her son grew out of his high maintenance stage, she never did. Like the other nannies, I had a much better relationship with the other mom and loved her child just as much. I think the other mom knew when I struggled a bit with the other mom and although we never directly talked about it, she made sure to go out of her way and do something nice on the days she saw me struggling (a compliment, a cup of coffee, coming home a few minutes early, etc -- nothing big, just little things to show me I was appreciated)

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine taking care of a baby like that. I would simply let it cry. That baby needs to learn its not all about you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine taking care of a baby like that. I would simply let it cry. That baby needs to learn its not all about you

I hope that you're not a nanny or a parent. If you are, I beg of you please pick up a child development book.

[Anonymous]

How do you know so much about how they spend their entire day? Also, how do you know so much about the relationship the nanny has with the other MB? You seem to know what they talk about. That's, well, unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine taking care of a baby like that. I would simply let it cry. That baby needs to learn its not all about you

I hope that you're not a nanny or a parent. If you are, I beg of you please pick up a child development book.

I doubt nanny is talking about a very young infant and she probably isn't talking about letting a child cry for a long period of time.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with allowing a child, usually 4-5 months or older cry for a short period of time.
In my 10 years as a professional nanny, every single high-needs child had a parent who responded to the child the instant he showed any discomfort.
There is a difference between a serious cry and a "I'm bored so I'll cry and scream until Mom picks me up."
I am in no way suggesting that you ignore a serious, distressed cry. Letting a kid cry for 5 minutes while you make his bottle is not going to hurt him. Of course it is different if the child has a medical condition like reflux.
I don't play the "I'll pick you up the instant you cry" game. They are only high-needs with their parents.

[Anonymous]

I completely agree with the above poster. I was in a nanny share for 4 years, one high-needs baby and the other very mellow. The high-needs child was I believe taught to be that way. The mom would hear him whimper and she would run in and get him. She would get upset if I tended to the other child because hers wasn't " getting any attention".

Eventually the other family caught on and had word with the mom. She was paying considerably less but was expecting way more. At now 5 years old, she still spoon feeds, co-sleeps, and tends to his every whimper. He would scream and then be silent the moment someone scooped him up. The mom was also high needs, texting 30 times in a 7 hour day.

There isnt anything wrong with teaching a child to self-soothe and be self-sufficient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know so much about how they spend their entire day? Also, how do you know so much about the relationship the nanny has with the other MB? You seem to know what they talk about. That's, well, unbelievable.

OP here- while I can't say I know everything that is discussed and every detail of the day, the share is at my house currently and I am home for the other MBs every drop off and pick up with the nanny. I'm also basing this off what the nanny has said about the babies' behaviors, what the other MB has told me about her baby, and my own observations with how the nanny interacts with the babies. And of course my baby has her days with teething, etc., where she is fussier than normal.

I hadn't considered the possibility of the other MB being high needs as well, but in retrospect this is likely the case. Again, thank you for all of the insight and sharing of experiences. This scenario sounds to be more common than I expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine taking care of a baby like that. I would simply let it cry. That baby needs to learn its not all about you

I hope that you're not a nanny or a parent. If you are, I beg of you please pick up a child development book.

Yes I am a nanny and I have a masters degree is early childhood education. Babies like that need to learn I don't tolerate that behavior. And guess what after a day or 2 they learn it. The most difficult baby who cries all day long and all night for the parents ends up being great with me. It's like they can actually just relax. Then the parents come home and they get upset again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine taking care of a baby like that. I would simply let it cry. That baby needs to learn its not all about you

I hope that you're not a nanny or a parent. If you are, I beg of you please pick up a child development book.

Yes I am a nanny and I have a masters degree is early childhood education. Babies like that need to learn I don't tolerate that behavior. And guess what after a day or 2 they learn it. The most difficult baby who cries all day long and all night for the parents ends up being great with me. It's like they can actually just relax. Then the parents come home and they get upset again.

If you knew anything about child development, you would know that ignoring the cries of a BABY does not teach them that "everything isn't about them". Their brains are not developed enough for such a concept. All they understand is the self. Crying is their only form of communication, if we are actually talking about a young infant, and the "calmness" you are seeing, after you ignore their cries, is them accepting that their attempts to communicate will be ignored. BABIES, young babies, do not cry to manipulate. Please stop ignoring them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine taking care of a baby like that. I would simply let it cry. That baby needs to learn its not all about you

I hope that you're not a nanny or a parent. If you are, I beg of you please pick up a child development book.

Yes I am a nanny and I have a masters degree is early childhood education. Babies like that need to learn I don't tolerate that behavior. And guess what after a day or 2 they learn it. The most difficult baby who cries all day long and all night for the parents ends up being great with me. It's like they can actually just relax. Then the parents come home and they get upset again.

If you knew anything about child development, you would know that ignoring the cries of a BABY does not teach them that "everything isn't about them". Their brains are not developed enough for such a concept. All they understand is the self. Crying is their only form of communication, if we are actually talking about a young infant, and the "calmness" you are seeing, after you ignore their cries, is them accepting that their attempts to communicate will be ignored. BABIES, young babies, do not cry to manipulate. Please stop ignoring them.

+1 and I say this as someone who fully agrees with CIO but just at the appropriate age and with compassion. I understand that it is necessary sometimes to teach an older baby how to soothe themselves. You may not have meant it this way but your first post comes across as very cold-hearted. All a baby knows is itself so of course to a baby it's "all about you" and your post sounded unnecessarily flippant bordering on cruel. I understand I don't really know you or what you are like in real life but based on that post I can honestly say I'm glad you are not my children's nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine taking care of a baby like that. I would simply let it cry. That baby needs to learn its not all about you

I hope that you're not a nanny or a parent. If you are, I beg of you please pick up a child development book.

Yes I am a nanny and I have a masters degree is early childhood education. Babies like that need to learn I don't tolerate that behavior. And guess what after a day or 2 they learn it. The most difficult baby who cries all day long and all night for the parents ends up being great with me. It's like they can actually just relax. Then the parents come home and they get upset again.

If you knew anything about child development, you would know that ignoring the cries of a BABY does not teach them that "everything isn't about them". Their brains are not developed enough for such a concept. All they understand is the self. Crying is their only form of communication, if we are actually talking about a young infant, and the "calmness" you are seeing, after you ignore their cries, is them accepting that their attempts to communicate will be ignored. BABIES, young babies, do not cry to manipulate. Please stop ignoring them.

+1 and I say this as someone who fully agrees with CIO but just at the appropriate age and with compassion. I understand that it is necessary sometimes to teach an older baby how to soothe themselves. You may not have meant it this way but your first post comes across as very cold-hearted. All a baby knows is itself so of course to a baby it's "all about you" and your post sounded unnecessarily flippant bordering on cruel. I understand I don't really know you or what you are like in real life but based on that post I can honestly say I'm glad you are not my children's nanny.

+1. I am definitely a believer in CIO but when done at an appropriate age and time and when done in connection with the parents. And once a loving trusting bond is established. For young babies, it is all about them and that's okay. You cannot spoil an infant and many (including our pediatrician) believe CIO is entirely inappropriate before six months. If babies younger than that are "behaving" for you, it's because they don't trust you to respond to their needs ...