When your children have different needs from an AP

[Anonymous]

I would love to hear feedback from HFs whose children have different needs from an AP. There was a brief discussion of this on aupairmom, but I would love to see some more insight and perspectives. Our two children - both school aged though 3 years apart - have very different needs from the AP. One spends quite a lot of time with the AP and really relies on the AP for a lot of the daily care/play/instruction, whereas the other, being older and very independent, spends very little time with the AP, due to her school and sports schedule. We are trying to pick an AP for next year, and each wants and needs something different from the AP. Have others wrestled with this? How do you make your choices? What kinds of trade-offs have you made? I don't want to present this as "your bother's needs trump yours" to my DD, but on the other hand, his needs ARE greater, so in many ways they should. But I don't want to foster resentment between them. Would love to hear any insights or experiences people may have.
Thank you!

[Anonymous]

I don't see what the problem is. If the older one doesn't need much from the AP, then so what? The AP then has the time to focus on the kid who needs the attention.

Is the older kid jealous or something?

[Anonymous]

OP here, and I can see how my posting wasn't particularly clear so could lead to the question about the older child being jealous. No, she isn't jealous at all. What we are dealing with is that we think a male AP is better for our younger child, but our older child, being almost 12, really wants a female AP. This is not something I take lightly: forcing a 12 year old girl to have a male AP. On the other hand, her brother spends MUCH more time with the AP and relies on the AP much more, and in his case, it is a clear benefit for him to have a male.

But this isn't just a question of male-female. I know there are many families who struggle to match with an AP who can meet multiple children's needs, and this doesn't always go as planned: for example, the AP who is great with babies but not with toddlers, and the parents have to choose which one needs the AP more. Or the AP who is very sporty but less able to meet the needs of the quiet artist. I'm wondering how people have wrestled with this calculus and would love to hear what others have done.

[Anonymous]

Okay now that you've explained, I say get a male but get one who understands he can't JUST play legos and video games with the boy, he has to also find ways to bond with the girl (which is a challenge, at 12). Let's be honest: your 12 yr old will need someone to drive her places, and ... that's it really. By 12 my kids were cooking their own meals, doing their own laundry, all they needed was someone to get them places.

[Anonymous]

I would get a female one for your daughter. That is a difficult enough age and if she'd prefer a woman, I would respect it.

[Anonymous]

I think at this age the needs/wants of your developing daughter trump your son. this it's a delicate time in her life andshe will resent it forever if you don't respect her wishes. another year ortwo and she'll be fine and can take herself places or get rides with friends. listen to her on this one.

[Anonymous]

Wait, the kid is 12. In a year or two she'll be, at most, 14. How exactly will she be more able to take herself places at 14 tan she will at 12?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would get a female one for your daughter. That is a difficult enough age and if she'd prefer a woman, I would respect it.

This is how I would land too. We are a HF and struggled with the infant v toddler issue and we went for the one that was better with toddlers as the challenges of dealing with the emotional needs of a toddler seemed to be bigger a d possibly have longer term effects for everyone than the physical needs of a baby.

[Anonymous]

I remember your post from aupairmom and I feel pretty strongly (based on what little we know of course) that you should listen to your daughter. It's not as if you *can't* find an au pair who is a great fit for your son, who just happens to be female. I would work hard to find that female au pair who can fit your sons needs and then you won't have to ask your daughter, who is in a very emotionally difficult stage, to be around a person who makes her uncomfortable in her own home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But this isn't just a question of male-female. I know there are many families who struggle to match with an AP who can meet multiple children's needs, and this doesn't always go as planned: for example, the AP who is great with babies but not with toddlers, and the parents have to choose which one needs the AP more. Or the AP who is very sporty but less able to meet the needs of the quiet artist. I'm wondering how people have wrestled with this calculus and would love to hear what others have done.

I answered your specific question in my post above, but I think what you posted here is a really interesting discussion too. We have two kids whose needs are also very different, one of whom is very very easy to like and get alone with and the other, who is young anyway, is just not as friendly right away and is more difficult discipline-wise. We've had three au pairs (in four years) and I still haven't found one that worked well with both of them. The first and third got along great with my oldest and never really bonded with my son. The second was great with my son (she was more of a baby person than an older kid person) and my daughter liked her, but really loved our first. For our next au pair, I will definitely look for one specifically for my son, since my daughter just gets along with anyone.

But really, it would be really difficult to find that one person that bonds well with everyone in the family - host dad, host mom, host kids. We're all very different people as I'm sure most families are, and certain personalities just fit better with others. I think I may also err on the side of finding someone that would fit my son, but make sure she knows that part of her job is to "win" both the kids over, even if she doesn't necessarily fit well with one or the other.

[Anonymous]

get a girl, but a well rounded one that is very into sports. then you can have the best of both worlds.

[Anonymous]

I think given your DD's age, it might be a little awkward to have a male Au Pair since many of them would not be that far apart in age, particularly if she is mature. That said,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, the kid is 12. In a year or two she'll be, at most, 14. How exactly will she be more able to take herself places at 14 tan she will at 12?

by bus einstein

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, the kid is 12. In a year or two she'll be, at most, 14. How exactly will she be more able to take herself places at 14 tan she will at 12?

by bus einstein

that's no different than at 12. so again, nothing changes in two years.