Over a Barrel

[Anonymous]

Our nanny was late again today-- over an hour-- no call, nothing. I think it was a little of the rain and a little that I was trying to be kind and told her to come in a half hour later than usual-- and she ended up an hour and a half late. She was already not wanting to come in today because she is used to getting Christmas week off because we usually go visit family but this year stayed in town. So- we are moving this summer- I told her that already so she could make plans for her next position. She has been with us for close to 4 years and has gotten progressively lax, coming in late, asking to leave early, etc. She is above market rates. Now my husband is blaming me because I don't want to have any kind of discord between us because I think that any anger or animosity on her part will get taken out on our children-- either in her care or attitude towards them. What do you think? Gentle talking doesn't do anything-- we have tried-- and in my opinion--- it is either deal with what we have and count our blessings that she isn't crazy like other nannies we have had or let her go and find someone else who will have her own set of problems. If we are able to interview and find someone- it would only be for 5 months. Is my husband right-- do I need to be "direct and threaten to fire her" or should I just overlook the major annoyances that don't have to do with her care for the children and suck it up? I am just really afraid to make any waves and then leave my kids with someone who could be angry. He is upset that he feels like we are getting walked on and taken advantage of and I agree-- but I am really hesitant to do anything-- and so now it is a fight between us and I hate that.

[Anonymous]

You've situated yourselves in quite a pickle, tbh.

Firstly, if you don't trust your nanny to continue providing excellent care to your children even after being corrected or given a formal warning, she's not a good nanny OR you aren't someone who is emotionally prepared to have a nanny. Nannies are employees who CAN be corrected, redirected, and managed - you just want to do it respectfully. Presumably you've had great and terrible bosses in your life? So just speak to her like your best boss would have spoken to you when your work wasn't up to par (i.e. not "threaten to fire her" but a "we need to issue a formal warning as you've now been late X number of times. if this happens again we will schedule a sit-down review of whether or not this is the right fit for you and for us.")

Secondly, if she's been with you for four years you should have been enforcing your needs and expectations at the first sign of slipping. If you're employing a new nanny after your move please remember this, as it's much easier to halt a downward spiral than to get someone to improve their quality of work after it has tanked.

Finally, you talk about having had crazy nannies or nannies with their own set of problems... but most people I know absolutely love their nannies. They interviewed some weird ones, or maybe had an unsuitable nanny for a few months when they were new employers, but then they figured out what they needed and how to look for that in interviews. Particularly if, as you say, you are paying above market rates you should have no trouble finding a true professional, so I have to wonder 1) how much you're really paying and 2) how you go about finding and selecting nannies. One or the other - or both - aren't working out as well as they could/should.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, you have let your nanny manipulate you. Your nanny is a classic case of the nanny who tests the boundaries and gets away with whatever she can. She knows if she pouty, pissy, or even rude then she gets rewarded with whatever she wants. She can ignore you and there are no consequences to her.

My suggestion would be to have alternate care or even a 5 month replacement lined up. She sounds like the type that will have a hard time finding another position so you may be stuck with her for 5 months. She'll be in for a rude awakening when she can't find an over market rate.

Please do not give this nanny a stellar recommendation. You can say that she was fine in the beginning but based on recent performance you would not re-hire her. This is all you need to say to be honest with new employers. It doesn't help employers, good nannies, or kids for the bad nannies to keep getting away with this stuff.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just went on sittercity.com and posted a job that was just for the remainder of the school year. I got tons of responses - mostly from students or other candidates who only wanted to/could commit to a short time.

I would let this one go, using this being 1.5 hours late with no excuse as the last straw. Find someone else for the few months, you can absolutely do it.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is right. I agree that you don't want this person taking care of your kids after you've had a serious discussion before - she doesn't sound like the responsible self-reflective type. But OP, being an hour and half late with no excuse is not a small deal. Is she wonderful with the kids? I seriously doubt she is. So what are you getting out of keeping her?

[Anonymous]

OP here. That is the thing-- she is great when she is actually here- think loving grandmother- never on the phone, always ready to help-- if you asked her she would say that she is exceptional. Today it was the rain, the bus was late, she thought I said 10:30 not 9:30, etc. Our first nanny was a young sister of a friend, our second had great recs but ended up doing a lot of crazy things- both were fired- this one came with good recs and was our 3rd. I am part of the problem in that my job is very flexible- so often, when she is 10-20 mins late- it isn't a big deal because I hire her to be here 30 minutes before I need to leave anyhow. It never fails, though, that the days when she is really late it is when I need to be somewhere. She is taking advantage of my being too lenient. I have tried-- "please be on time"-- should it now be "come on time or be fired"? I always have that nanny in NYC in the back of my mind-- not saying that would happen-- but neither did that family-- right? To the pp-- she is at 40 hours or less and nets about 800 a week-- and for her qualifications-- she is over market for sure.

[Anonymous]

Your nuclear family comes first. You don't want this to be a source of contention between you and your husband. Imagine how mad/sad/whatever you'd be if he really really insisted on something you just didn't agree with for some reason. You'd be pissed. You guys need to be united and it sounds like this is dividing you. If you think this can't be easily salvaged so you and DH are both happy, then move on. You'll definitely be able to find someone who's looking for a short term gig.

[Anonymous]

No parent is always perfect,
nor is any substitute caregiver.

Your child's needs should be paramount here,
not yours.

[Anonymous]

5 months is a long time to put up with an attitude and sloppy work. Your DH is right, find a replacement.

[Anonymous]

OP, what does your post title mean?

[Anonymous]

I would look for someone on a temporary basis. It isn't worth putting up with attitude for the next five months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what does your post title mean?

(Not OP) it's an expression meaning she's in a dilemma

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you still have a bad nanny if you worry about the care the kids would get if you take a firm stance.

I'd have a serious talk with her and let her know you'll have to replace her if it continues. If you want to soften the blow- tell her there's a bonus for her on moving day if she fixes the problems and stays until no longer needed.

[Anonymous]

OP, what did you end up doing?

And as a nanny, I would be mortified if my employers told me they were unsatisfied with whatever I was doing which was clearly my fault (something like being late) and would strive to change my behaviour immediately.

But then all my long-term employers have always been really upfront and the lines of communication between us have been very clear. My first 'official' family I au-paired for, and we're still great friends and keep in touch, and years later the mother told me she was annoyed with the way I did something. It had never even occurred to me and it was such a small thing that I would've, of course, accommodated her wishes had I known, but it wasn't really a big deal for her and she was happy with me otherwise so she never mentioned it. I wish she had!

So I'm wondering if your nanny is aware that what is happening is a big deal to you and is actual causing you grief?