One nanny gripe..
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Anonymous
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Our nanny is great...we love her to death. She's been with us for what seems like forever and as far as we know she's happy with us too! There's just one thing I've noticed recently that gets on my nerves. It's nothing big, but annoying nonetheless. She overuses the word hate a lot. Like it seems every other thing we talk about is something she "hates." I don't really like my kids (4&6) using it, but I've definitely heard them use it also, and I can't help but think they've picked it up from her. My husband and I try vey hard not to use phrases with this term in it, because I very much dislike it. I don't hear her using it directly with the kids, but she definitely uses it in front of them--when in conversation with me or my husband etc.
How can I bring this up gently without hurt feelings? This is just a small thing like I said and we've really had no other issues that are even worth discussing. I just would prefer the kids not hear the word from someone they look up to. |
Anonymous
| What kind of stuff is it that she "hates" so much? |
Anonymous
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Just talk to her about it. Frame it in the context of being a very small issue, just a personal quirk that you and your husband have, and a request of her - rather than a criticism. Tell her what you've said here - that you're so happy with her work, really value her, etc...
She may think you're a little nutty, but if you're careful about how you word it she'll likely think it's a simple enough request to try to accommodate. It's probably one of those unconscious things that will be hard for her to break though - so try to realize that she may not be able to stop entirely. The other thing you can do, of course, is talk to your kids. "Daddy and I don't really like that word - maybe you mean you don't like it?" They're old enough to understand that different people use different kinds of language. They might even correct the nanny! 
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love
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OP-
If she is from another country I can totally understand. My husband asked me to stop using hate because he also said it is not nice and too strong. Specially when I was simply mentioning something that I don't like. I would say, no thanks, I hate eggs. Now, I always remember to say, No thanks. I don't like eggs. |
Anonymous
| Ask her to try and use slightly more positive words instead. Like instead of saying she hates it when it rains, that she dislikes it when it rains. It is still not necessarily a positive since it is a negative feeling, but not as strong. |
Anonymous
| I'm calling out the novelist OP here. |
Anonymous
| I realize it may be hard for her to break, and if she could make a conscious effort to lessen her use of the word I would be so thankful!! Thanks for the ideas. |
Anonymous
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I told my DS this story (I said temper but also added he was negative to others saying hateful and negative things. My than 5 year old understood it all and still brings the story up.
We also say hate is word you cannever take back (like the nails and holes in this story and you have to come up with another similar word) Author Unknown There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there.”The little boy then understood how powerful his words were. He looked up at his father and said, “I hope you can forgive me father for the holes I put in you.”“Of course I can,” said the father. Perhaps you could be telling the story while nanny is around? Or start saying wow hate is a you can never take back. Lets find a similar word. |
Anonymous
| Pp that's a great story/lesson. It would be great for me to tell it to the kids while nanny is there! She may or may not take the hint, but at least then I can have the conversation with the kids about the word while she's in earshot. I don't expect her to change her whole vocabulary, but using it less when she's with our kiddos is all I can ask. |
Anonymous
Please don't infantalize your nanny. What's so difficult about pulling her aside to say, "you know, hate is a very strong word that we avoid in this house and it would really help if you could model this for the kids using "I really dislike" something rather than "hate" it. Thanks." Also, this could be a good opportunity to teach your kids that they will encounter others doing and saying things differently than they have been raised, but that doesn't mean its okay for them. Growing up, my extended family used curse words and "hate" like it was nothing, but from a young age my siblings and I knew it was not tolerated in our house. |
Anonymous
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I would talk to her about it.
To avoid any awkwardness however, do so as kindly as you can. Make sure you get your point across, but do so without offending the nanny. Then let her know we ALL say certain things that we shouldn't at times, yourself incl. and remind her what a great nanny she is!!! |
Anonymous
+1 I'd much rather my boss just tell me directly if there is a word or phrase she'd prefer me not to use with or in front of the kids than for her to be hoping I'd take the hint from something I might overhear. Presumably you hired an adult, so just talk to her (nicely) and let her know the language you'd like her to model. |
Anonymous
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Hate is a descriptive and necessary word in the English language, but when your with the children I would prefer if you save it for things you really detest. I want them to have blah, blah, blah, communication skills.
I'm so confused by people who are uptight about words. Some people speak eloquently, most of us do not. It's very difficult for most regular folks to speak like someone with multiple deterred and 6+ years of college education. We still try to be the best caregivers for your children and family, but you can't teach us to talk like you. That's Pygmalion of you and a huge challenge! Let it go, and when your with you children tell them you don't like (hate) that word! English is my first language and I still speak casual 80's Midwest valley girl. It took me ten years to change OMG to Oh my goodness, and boy was it difficult. If she's great with your kids let her know how you feel and let it go. What are words worth...? |