TMI, MB!

[Anonymous]

My MB told me confidentially that she is going to divorce DB in a few months. She asked me to start planning what the kids will need to have at his apartment since he is going to move out, and to think about ways to help kids with transition (look for books, etc.). She then asked me to keep it quiet, as SHE DOESN'T PLAN TO TELL DH YET! She wants me to keep this a secret from him for two-three months, until she has an apartment lined up for him and has her finances in order. He works from home and I live in.

I get that she wants my help and support and I am glad to ease this change for the kids as much as possible. And I am confident that I won't accidentally let it slip or something, but still, WTF? I just need to vent as I am so flabbergasted that she would a) tell the nanny before her husband and b) tell me MONTHS ahead of him. Am I crazy or is this a really wierd way for her to handle this?

[Anonymous]

It is weird. But... just go with it. Questions to ask

-will you still live in at the current residence
-how will your hours/availability be effected

Now we just play the waiting game. Wait till she tells him

[Anonymous]

Prepare yourself for this to get very ugly. Imagine the parents get into a bad custody battle and try to put you in the middle of it. I've heard of nannies being called into court to testify in divorce and custody cases.

If it were me, I would tell the mother I don't want to be involved in the divorce. She can furnish her husband's apartment herself. She is trying to get you on her side. You should only be on the side of the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Prepare yourself for this to get very ugly. Imagine the parents get into a bad custody battle and try to put you in the middle of it. I've heard of nannies being called into court to testify in divorce and custody cases.

If it were me, I would tell the mother I don't want to be involved in the divorce. She can furnish her husband's apartment herself. She is trying to get you on her side. You should only be on the side of the children.

One can argue that being on the side of the children would include making sure they have what they need at the new apartment to ease the transition. OP is not being asked to furnish the apartment...just make sure the kids have what they need there.

OP: while it's a bit strange to tell you first I get waiting to tell him. She's smart to get her finances in order first before things get potentially ugly. It sounds like she's trying to get as much figured out ahead of time so that there is less to deal with once she announces her intentions to DB. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is a job, not your family. Get out now before they tear ypu yo shreads. His lawyer will also tear you to shreads and you should already see what your MB is up to. Believe me, this will hurt you more than you want to pay. Get out now.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, all. I don't think this will be too bad ( given that it's a divorce, "bad" is obviously relative), because MB appears to be very focused on maintaining a healthy relationship between the kids and their dad. She is planning on moving with the kids closer to her work, and she has an apartment complex in mind for DB about 15 minutes away. We have talked about schedule and she plans to keep the same number of hours, but possibly switch days. Right now I do do evenings shifts and she wants to have me work those shifts during DB's nights with the kids so that on those two nights he can visit with them while I run to the store, make him/them a nice meal, clean the dishes after and do kids' laundry for that week, so that his time with them will be low-stress. Obviously DB is the wild card, but so far it sounds like she is wanting to support their relationship.

[Anonymous]

*I do two evening shifts

[Anonymous]

Know it takes far more to maintain two households over one, so protect yourself and make sure that they can afford you on top of two of everything, including rents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Know it takes far more to maintain two households over one, so protect yourself and make sure that they can afford you on top of two of everything, including rents.

Thanks. This is good advice. I already have a part-time job 2 days per week along with some weekend sitting families, so I am not too concerned (I have a buffer) but I will keep my ear to the ground with respect to this.

[Anonymous]

Will you still be a live in when she moves?

[Anonymous]

the MB has already decided where her ex will live? Controlling, isn't she? I saw what divorce did to nanny in my neighborhood. She had a nervous breakdown. Get out now if you are smart. This divorce sounds as though it will be very, very nasty.

[Anonymous]

OMG, DB is going to be *told* that they're getting divorced, and by the way, you are moving by yourself to your newly assigned apartment complex?

Yap, this is going to get ugly. She is planning for what *she* thinks is best for the kids, but co-parenting requires a lot of flexibility. DB needs to be given notice, and they need to plan together before telling the kids. But, you can't make any of that happen, so just start looking for another position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, DB is going to be *told* that they're getting divorced, and by the way, you are moving by yourself to your newly assigned apartment complex?

Yap, this is going to get ugly. She is planning for what *she* thinks is best for the kids, but co-parenting requires a lot of flexibility. DB needs to be given notice, and they need to plan together before telling the kids. But, you can't make any of that happen, so just start looking for another position.

DB has no money. He has only a very small income from a very part time (10 hrs per week) job. She is selling the family home and moving somewhere smaller so that she can afford to pay rent on a two-bedroom apartment so that he has space for the kids to visit him. She plans to pay his rent for the first year while he gets on his feet. I am surprised that so many people believe that all divorces are bitter and acrimonious. I know many families who have been through divorces (including my parents) and that majority have been able to look at heir differences through the lense of what is best for the kids. I honestly know only one couple who had a nasty, messy divorce.

[Anonymous]

If he has no money now, what will change in a year. She is probably trying to avoid paying alimony and other issues. You are only hearing her plan and her side of it. Is he going to agree to this? In a year, will he have the income to be self-supporting (why does he not now).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, DB is going to be *told* that they're getting divorced, and by the way, you are moving by yourself to your newly assigned apartment complex?

Yap, this is going to get ugly. She is planning for what *she* thinks is best for the kids, but co-parenting requires a lot of flexibility. DB needs to be given notice, and they need to plan together before telling the kids. But, you can't make any of that happen, so just start looking for another position.

DB has no money. He has only a very small income from a very part time (10 hrs per week) job. She is selling the family home and moving somewhere smaller so that she can afford to pay rent on a two-bedroom apartment so that he has space for the kids to visit him. She plans to pay his rent for the first year while he gets on his feet. I am surprised that so many people believe that all divorces are bitter and acrimonious. I know many families who have been through divorces (including my parents) and that majority have been able to look at heir differences through the lense of what is best for the kids. I honestly know only one couple who had a nasty, messy divorce.

I don't know the laws you have in your state regarding divorce and alimony, but she needs to figure out if she will be paying him alimony once it happens. She obviously makes more than he does, and this could happen. My current MB went through a divorce with a husband that had no real job anymore and she was forced to pay for him each month. They broke up 3.5 years ago, and divorced soon after. This month is finally her last month for paying alimony to him. You MB might end up having to pay for much more than just that 1 year if he ends up not being able to support himself (and depending on your state laws).