Advice Needed

[Anonymous]

A good friend of mine has a live in nanny. She is a SAHM and has 3 kids- 2 ES age and one toddler. They spend the entire summer at the beach house which is on a remote lake about an hours drive from a store. The nanny spends the summer there with them. The nanny has been with them for years (maybe 8 years or so?)and is part of the family (according to my friend). While at the beach house she works every day but probably only has 4-5 hours a day where she is responsible for the kids, and often only the toddler as my friend spends most of the day with the kids. The nanny has tons of down time while there (although she can't go anywhere!).

We are going to spend a week with them. We have 2 ES aged kids and 4 year old twin girls. My friend told me that the nanny wouldn't mind at all watching the twins sometimes so we can take the older kids out on the boat, to the beach etc.. Also that she would stay with them while they napped if we wanted to do other things. I said while that sounded great I would want to talk to the nanny to make sure she was okay with it and about compensation. My friend said not to worry that she would mention it to the nanny herself. I am worried though that the nanny will just tell my friend it is fine out of loyalty to her employer

What do you think. Should I just let my friend talk it over with the nanny or should I insist on talking to the nanny myself and creating a separate agreement? I think this would annoy my friend but I don't want to take advantage of the nanny.

we don't have a nanny so I am not sure how these things work.

[Anonymous]

More importantly: Do you need a nanny? No? How about a babysitter? Best friend?

This is an incredibly considerate question! I obviously can't weigh in on your friend or friendship - it seems reasonable enough that you would be allowed to clarify a second time, but a more sensitive person may take your concern as a suggestion that she doesn't treat her nanny well.

I also don't know this nanny, but you can always think about these relationships like any other long-term, intimate relationship: Rewarding, completely worth it, but not easy. In all likelihood, both the nanny and your friend have come to take each other for granted on occasion. Although there is an implicit balance there (who doesn't take the people their closest to for granted at times?), the power-dynamic of the employer-nanny relationship is one in which the nanny will never feel as empowered to speak up or defend herself as the employer. This can lead to greater or faster resentment on the nanny's end despite also appreciating a fundamentally healthy and mutually-beneficial relationship.

SO. Those are the broad-strokes that you can reasonably assume for most employers and nannies. I'm assuming that if your friend were abusing her nanny she a) would not have had the same one for 8 years, and b) would not have a close friend this concerned with the welfare of others. That said, I have to be honest, spending the summer at a beach house with my employers and not being able to leave (really? at all? ever?) does not sound like a great time to me. If what made that worth it were having a significant amount of downtime (Maybe she's a student? A reader? An introvert?), then you're right to think you should acknowledge the times when you're tripling the responsibilities she expects with only one toddler. Regardless, your children are not a part of her work arrangement, and no matter how little concrete effort it seems to add, I think anyone would appreciate the courtesy of being asked!

It's only a week, it doesn't sound like you intend to leave the girls with her often, so my suggestion would be that you not risk making a big issue of it, but that, before your trip, you plan a way to show your appreciation to the nanny. Tally up an estimate of the number of hours you plan to use her (do not distinguish between when the children are or are not sleeping - it's all time that she cannot use for herself) and come up with something you think is commensurate with that value.

Is she the type to pamper herself? Does she eat out? Anywhere in her hometown where you could get her a gift card or reservation for when she's back from the summer house? Everyone loves a gift certificate - I don't know where you live, but Target is generally a safe bet or, since the summer is only half over and you say she can't go anywhere, a gift card to Amazon.com (which you can pick up at most drug or grocery stores) would allow her to treat herself to something without having to request the family car or time away.

Regardless - be sure to thank her profusely for her help while you are there and, if you plan to leave your children with her when they're up and busy and wondering why their siblings are off on a special boat ride, then also be sure to provide her with some activities and resources to make her time with hem as smooth as possible. The best way to do this is by preparing your children in advance, getting them excited about THEIR special time, which is easily accomplished by engaging them in the planning of those activities. That way you will hopefully minimize any potential meltdowns (but don't panic if they can't be avoided - it happens).

Then pick up a thank you card & throw a few crayons in your bag. On your last night, write a nice note in the card and have your children color/sign it too. Add the gift card and leave the envelope for her before you head out. Hopefully that will be subtle enough not to ruffle your friend's feathers but, taken together, a more-than-appreciated gesture for the nanny.

Thanks for such a generous question and enjoy your vacation!

[Anonymous]

I would suggest talking to the nanny when you arrive. If your friend does talk to her nanny and the nanny agrees it would still be respectful of you to talk to the nanny yourself upon arrival. You can thank her upfront for agreeing to help with your kids (assuming this is the case) and assure her that you plan to compensate her for the help.

Speaking as a nanny I would imagine your friend's nanny would be very appreciative of your offer to compensate her for her help with your kids. Not all families would offer to do this, and often times the nanny ends up watching extra kids for free. Regardless of what your friend says about compensation you should do what you are comfortable with since it sounds like you feel most comfortable compensating the nanny so she doesn't feel taken advantage of.

I have done something similar...two families traveling (my nanny family and their family friends) with 5 kids total (2 were my charges). There were times along the 10 day trip I was responsible for all the kids. The other family compensated me once we returned. It was agreed upon upfront...per my employer's insistence that I was not free and convenient childcare for the other family.

[Anonymous]

I agree, it might feel weird to demand to talk to the nanny before you show up, but I would insist on talking to her when you arrived to make sure that she is cool with it. When doing so, then you can ask about compensation. If she makes a comment about how it is fine, and not a problem (meaning she doesn't want to charge an hourly rate), then I would do as PP mentioned and get her a gift card etc as a way to show your thanks and appreciation.

[Anonymous]

MB here. I always tell our manny to feel free to say no when a friend tries to imply he can watch her kids too.

You don't need a contract just for a week. But you should absolutely say to her as soon as you arrive (without the mother in earshot) that you wanted to speak directly with her to see if she's comfortable watching two extra kids and if you can pay her $15 an hour.

PS: bring cash.

[Anonymous]

Wow, it so nice to hear there a considerate, respectful people out here, considering this is a very common situation. Do exactly what you feel, because your friend isn't going to ask her, she's going to TELL her to do theses things!

I just don't understand why MB's and DB's don't understand that conversations like this should involve the nanny, not amongst yourselves. She is the one doing the work and unless this was something agreed in the contract, she doesn't have to watch your kids! Just because we work for you, doesn't mean we automatically are responsible to care for friends kids that you vacation with, or go out with for dinner!

RIDICULOUS!!!!!

[Anonymous]

10:56 here, sorry for misspellings!