Tips on choosing an AP who will bond with your kids?

[Anonymous]

We are halfway through AP2's year. This morning I said to DH that I don't want to ask her to extend - and the reason is that she's just not very connected/bonded to our kids. The care is fine - in terms of: she is responsible, safe, does what we ask her to. But as compared to AP1 I notice a big difference in terms of affection/bonding on both sides.

Since it will be no time at all before searching for the next one is upon us (we will start looking about 3 months before arrival) . . . any tips on how you figure out - through applications and Skype interviews - whether an AP will form a closer connection with your kids?

AP1 was a star - she was great (not perfect) in many ways, but right now, I'm feeling the biggest single thing was the closeness with the kids. She genuinely cared for them, and they for her. She does not have any ambition to work with kids as a career; had done some (but very limited) babysitting; and had done an annual short summer camp where we was a counselor.

AP2 is much more distant. Yet, AP2 wants to be a teacher; has been a mentor/coach in her sport to kids for several years; and has done much more extensive babysitting.

Do I give up on trying to figure this out, and just chalk it up to the reality that our APs will vary - we'll have stars, we'll have duds, we'll have in-betweens? I feel like I really can't complain in the sense that AP2 absolutely does all that we've asked her to do. Kids are safe, cared for (albeit in a more distant way), no problems with drinking/partying/boys/etc.

[Anonymous]

OP can you identify any specific traits that you think helped AP1 bond better than AP2 (was she more active, more genuinely interested in kids or kids of a particular age, was she more extroverted and silly, more calm and nurturing)? That would be where I would start, by thinking about which people my children respond best to and what qualities set those people apart from the other adults in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Your question is as almost as elusive as picking a spouse, wouldn't you say? Certain people just click and others don't. That's why it seems so risky to seal the deal before you can even meet each other. Something like a yearlong arranged marriage. Doesn't seem fair to anyone. The rematch process sounds like a shameful process, as if you failed. And you hope for better luck next time.

[Anonymous]

We had a "cold-ish" au pair who did not bond with our kids (or even talk to them, for the most part), and two great ones who did. After the first, our pediatrician (a former host mom) recommended that we choose an au pair that comes from a big family, preferably with several siblings--because it suggests closeness, pitching in, and genuine comfort with kids. And lots of smiles in the photos. We are looking at one now who actually put embarrassing, silly stuff in her video and just sent me another video today of two 5-year-old girls playing with her hair while she giggles, sitting on the floor. I think she will be a good fit.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read your post but a good way would be Skyping the nanny and having your children (if they're old enough) conversate with nanny and see how nanny responds/acts. You will likely be able to tell if she is being phony or sincere but your children wont be able to tell so it's important for you to tune-in to the conversation but stay quiet at the same time.

Also note.. Kids love peppy, upbeat, energetic, optimistic people so look for that as well.